“Was I Sincere in the Apologies I Made to Him?”
Adele, how did your restoration begin?
When I filled out my Marriage Evaluation I said:
I just wanted to know if I can ask God to let my husband leave the house? Or, can I remind him to bring the divorce papers that he wants me to sign? He told me he wanted to divorce and would soon bring the divorce papers, but he spends all the weekends and some weeknights with the OW. She is the mother of his ten year old son. He told me the story. They were not in contact since she gave birth, she never wanted to let him see the baby. I'm thinking that if he leaves the house, maybe if I'm not aware of when they see each other or sleep together, I will not suffer the pain. That's why I want him to leave, it's too painful! Even when I pray the whole time, it's still hard the next time he leaves.
Also,I don't know if I should continue to try to live as a wife. It’s so heavy and hard because he is living as if he is alone. For example, if I cook, he will not eat and I suffer when he ignores me like this. I just want to stop trying to be a wife. For example, because of the situation, I don't have an appetite, so when I buy foods or fruits and cook it's really so that he will have something to eat. To be honest, I don't even want to be near him, even if we try to be polite with each other. I work during the day, so I'm tired in the evening when I come back home. At work, I lack concentration, and I’m trying to hide the constant tears so my colleagues won't notice. It's really hard to stand and do everything as if he did nothing to me. So I was asking myself what I can do or not do and be sure I'm still in the God's word and will.
My husband said we don't love each other, and that "I know our marriage was a mistake." He said, "Just before we were about to see my parents during the engagement, we were quarreling often and I said I don't want to get married, but finally, we had a reconciliation and got married." He also said that “while we were engaged, I said that men are just for having children”, and since he already has 2 kids with 2 different mothers, he said he doesn't want to take the risk to have another child with me because he knows our marriage will not last.
I also said in my evaluation: I don't believe my situation is hopeless because I believe the word of God and have read so many of the testimonies on your site. But the facts that we don't have children, he doesn't wear his ring since the day he said we were over, he still lives at home, but he openly lives his relationship, these cause me to doubt. At times I'm so desperate and doubt the restoration is possible. Even though I never ask anything about the OW, he knows I know about the relationship. We are living like roommates.
Then in the space to pray I prayed: Thank you so much, Precious Lord Jesus for the strength you give me every day, despite the crisis. Please make me love Your word more and feel Your presence to be able to continue my journey. I beg you to forgive anything you see is not good in my present way of living in this situation. I beg You to show me precisely and give me the wisdom and the strength to do anything You want me to do or not do towards my husband. Please, Lord, You know at times I have anger and unforgiveness in my heart, and at times I lack faith and feel so desperate when he seems happy with someone taking care of him. Please let me let him go and live with her or stop their relationship, You know how it's hard to know that he is sleeping with her...Be my Savior please Lord, without You, I cannot make it it's so difficult. Please, Lord, turn his heart back to You and then to me; in the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.
Now that this part of my journey has ended, I realize that my husband wanting to leave me was the end of the life I had hoped and dreamed for. All I wanted was to have children. But by losing my plans, and opening my heart, God has opened amazingly new and exciting experiences that are changing me mentally and my world.
Today, I so desire the Lord and experience that intimate relationship with him. If this is why all this happen to me, I can say I feel privileged that He cares for me enough to allow this to happen in my life. Thinking like this helps me not suffer rejection again, nor be shocked when there is a crisis. I'm seeing them more and more like opportunities to put my trust in Him and apply His word to each. I gladly wait for the day I will have the courage to share what I’ve learned with others to change their lives also.
Adele, how did your restoration actually begin?
I'd been married for exactly 2 years. We didn't celebrate the 2nd anniversary because of the bad climate at home, even though we were trying to live as if everything was ok. But things were so bad that I used to cry and cry when praying. I went to see my pastor’s wife telling her I want to leave the house for some days because I'm not understanding what my husband wants. I have done everything for our marriage to be better but things are getting worse. I thought that maybe if I go, my husband will understand that we cannot continue that way. She told me not to leave, it will be a big mistake. She said I can kindly ask my husband to think about what he wants us to do to make things better. I also sent a prayer request on a Christian website to pray for my marriage and I received an encouraging answer from a sister sending me to your website, in French.
My husband and I had planned that I should go on our behalf to see his brother's new baby. So before going, I did what my pastor’s wife counseled me to do. Finally, when I came back a few days later, my husband told me he wanted to divorce because we don't love each other, our marriage was a mistake. I later discovered because of his coming late and going out, not sleeping at home that there was an OW, the mother of a son he had 9 years ago. I was devastated. It was at 11 PM, I remember I got into our car and cried until like 2.00 AM because I didn't want to cry in front of him. Days after this I clicked on the link to your ministry to see if I could get help from there.
Dear brides, beyond what you are going through at this moment, and no matter what your marital status, social status, physical stature, spiritual state, or mental capabilities, the abundant life can be the same for each and every one of us having the very opportunity to become His bride. He loves you just as we are and loves us, not in spite of, but because of our weaknesses! “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us”; simply awesome! He never meant that we had to literally die to live in paradise, nor do we have to wait until He comes to get us as His bride. “Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.”
Jesus didn’t die so we could, one day, go to heaven. He laid His life down to set us free now, in every area of our lives; His blood and His resurrection changed it all and it was for now. It takes us thanking Him, and being broken, in order for us to be blessed. The only way to multiply, and the only way for His glory to appear, is when we give thanks and allow ourselves to be broken in order to one day be able to feed those who are hungry for the truth, and heal those who are unloved. It is all about Him becoming our Husband and us becoming His bride. This happens when we are willing to embrace enthusiastically whatever crisis or trial He allows to come against us. They will result in “no more tears and no more sorrow” only if He is first.
How did God change your situation Adele as you sought Him wholeheartedly?
I can never thank God enough because after I went to the website I started reading the book How God can and will restore your marriage. I finished it in less than one or 2 weeks. God used that to help me stop focusing on my situation. Instead I was thinking about my own sins in our marriage and praying for forgiveness. It was so painful to discover that I was not doing things right in our marriage. I felt so sorry that I was not even sure that God could forgive me, crying and crying again.
But then I read in other testimonies that those tears were because God was purifying me. So I was encouraged to continue. Reading everywhere that only God can change things in us. This also helped me enough to continue my journey because of all the burdens and the pain. This teaches me to present to Him everything, how I feel, what I felt I cannot do, even if I'm willing to go on; I don't know how but day after day I gave it to Him and I found strength. At the time I couldn't walk, but I fasted. At work I couldn't concentrate, I used to go several times per day to pray for a few minutes in the restroom. I could not eat so I used my lunch time reading your materials on the website, A Wise Woman book...etc, reading my bible or praying. Lunchtime began to seem so short.
Today I now see that I spend more time with God or in prayer than I ever imagined I could. IF I could stop doing everything and just be with Him, I knew I would have been so happy. I couldn't wait to get up in the morning and read Psalms and Proverbs, I was discovering them again—it was amazing!
What principles, from God's Word (or through our resources), Adele, did the Lord teach you during this trial?
Won without a word, not speaking about him or the situation to anyone, having perseverance, to never give up, and most important endurance to finish my journey by completing the courses.
Because of the RYM book, I never asked him anything about the OW despite what I discovered. I wrote an apology letter to him and told him that we could still save our marriage and that if he wanted we could talk.
While doing the Finding the Abundant Life Course He has taught me:
1-it’s not the will of God to have a child in order to save my marriage. It sends me to pray that God removes that idea in me and gives me his peace.
2-I now see any crisis or trial, and it makes me present that to the Lord, and wait for His mercy and power.
3-I went to the Lord most often to have that peace He is talking about so that I will be calm and not doing anything that can make the situation worse
4-I desperately want that intimacy with the Lord since I read that it was possible, and had happened, to be sure that even if my marriage is restored I truly will be that woman precious to Him, and not go back to my old bad ways.
I've noticed that since some time, I'm not really praying for my husband anymore and for the restoration (like I used to do, every day, being in “warfare” as Michele is saying). Instead, my heart is crying for that intimacy with the Lord, I want to feel that He is my Husband.
Just from the introduction of the Abundant Life book, I've been touched by the verse “Seven women will grab hold of one man at that time. They will say, “We will provide our own food, we will provide our own clothes; but let us belong to you— take away our shame!” which spoke to me personally. From the first sentences, I'm finding myself at Michele's place and just the definition of finding an abundant life got me excited because those are questions I used to have, but not knowing the answer. It's possible to experience what God says in His word like joy, peace, in the midst of immense trials. Knowing that more of Him is not found in reading about Him in your Bible, quoting Scriptures or rebuking the devil, but in intimacy with Him fills me with more enthusiasm to learn more about finding my abundant life.
The Lord is Good and Love and His word is really the truth; Take it literally, exactly as He said it. His promises are really true and attainable to each and every one of us. What matters is simply our heart opened and shared with Him, He accepts us that way and He will lead us towards what we need. If you want Him, tell Him you do, He will answer You.
John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
I'm so grateful for having these lessons in this book. They’re preparing me that even when everything is back in order, I must watch out and know that my HH should really be the 1st priority of my life. I'm excited and afraid to go further. What really matters is not even the love or the heart of my husband, I can have it and still be out of God’s will or His glory. One part spoke of finding my place in this world was a person who had once moved mountains, but now was a "missing person." I wanted to feel like that again, to be the person who felt so alive, able to believe God for the impossible, and live out on a limb where only my faith was holding me up!
This morning when my husband said goodbye, something that we were not doing before with all that is happening, I'm happy because God is working for sure, but I'm realising those good things can happen but deeply in me I know I want HIM, I want to feel Him, I want Him, that's really my cry this morning, please Lord see my tears and answer me please. My marriage restored or not it's hard to feel empty and lost when I have You and only You.
Dear Brides, God sees beyond all we are going through. Let's just use the little strength remaining when we think we can't go a step further to believe in Him and do what He wants us to do, or just ask Him what really is in our heart. He not only knows everything but He loves us and will come to us if we look towards Him. And step by step or phase after phase He will bring us through our journey, and put in us the hope for a personal and intimate relationship with Him above anything and everything.
What were the most difficult times that God helped you through Adele?
The most difficult time was when he would spend the weekends with her, or come home too late. Also, the struggle to not call anyone, but I failed many times. But I learned about the sacrifice of praise which helped me at that moment since I could only cry because of the pain knowing they were together. Our families were finally involved, he called his dad, and they called my parents. At the beginning, I told his elder brother too. He was supposed to come and hear from my husband's mouth that he want to divorce so that everybody will know that it is acted and I will be free. Later I understood it was a mistake, but couldn't stop it, I told him not to come again, but he still came. I'm realising today again that it was a mistake, some of my trials were due to this mistake.
Adele, what was the “turning point” of your restoration?
After almost 3 months, my brother and husband were about to come and see us and discuss the situation. Just some days or a week before, I noticed that my husband was greeting me again at home, or would try to be nice when I ask him about something.
Just 3 days before his brother's arrival, my husband called to me, asking me to sit down, for us to discuss things. (We were no more speaking in the house, maybe just to ask where is the car park for example). He began by asking me about the apology letter I gave him at the beginning, asking if I was sincere in the apologies I made to him. I simply said, Yes. He told me that he will be lying if he says I was only every day a bad wife to him, and that there was about 40% of good in our marriage and that we should consider that. But that he still wanted us to divorce, but just civil and that it must remain just between the two of us, but we will continue to live as a couple, and observe each other to learn to know each other again.
I told him that I was ok if he wants to divorce me if he is not happy, like I read in the RYM book. But I was sorry that we will not be able to live as a couple if we divorce. I failed when he said something about one of the weekends he spent with the OW; I responded that I don't know what they are doing and he should just tell me if it's finished or not.
He said somewhere that they didn't sleep together on the weekends he's with her. After that conversation, I ask him if I could write to his brother and tell him not to come again to discuss our situation, he said yes, so I did it.
But early in the morning when I was praying in another room, he came to ask me if divorce is a sin why did I agree to divorce when he said it last night. I told him because it is His will and I don't want to be against him, I also said that he is already in the sin of adultery so..., He said since he doesn't want me or us to sin, so he is not divorcing me anymore, but since adultery can lead to divorce, I'm free to bring divorce papers for him to sign. I was so mixed up in my head, I wanted to cry, I couldn't, I was like shocked by the way things were so mixed up and the responsibility was back on me. So without a word, I just got up and went to work—it was one of the hardest days to handle. But after that, like I said, he didn't leave for the weekend, but he started spending weekends at home, was coming back normally as before when we were just married.
Everything changed after reading FAL Chapter 5 "It’s SO Worth the Wait!" I began to reconsider my desire for restoration, thinking about it being too enormous, embracing what He has prepared for us, instead of praying and pleading for today’s difficulties to change. I am going to take time to tell my HH how much He is all I want and all that I need. Then when I see the vision for the future or read a promise in my Bible, I will anticipate its coming, and not waste my time wondering if I heard God correctly, no matter how big the promise or vision seems to me. I will simply believe it. From now on, I will write down and each day I will stop to look at each and everything that God has blessed me with and thank Him for each. As of that day I began to write down the vision I had in my heart for us, searched and found the verse attached to it and believed God.
Dear Brides, will you ever reach the place of peace, prosperity, and joy in our lives? YES! We may have to wait for all our promises to be fulfilled, but the waiting room that He has designed for you is suited for a woman just like you. Let us learn why He purposely designed waiting to bring us the promises that He has every intention of giving us once He knows that we are truly ready to handle them. He can and will bring peace to our storm, joy to our broken heart, and strength to our weary body and soul. God is molding us moment-by-moment, day-by-day, through each event and circumstance in our lives. Nothing is worthless or unnecessary. Let's trust Him and love Him with all our hearts.
As Michele said, simply put, when God shows us something for the future, it is because we are not ready to deal with it, or to enjoy it fully, without this intended period of waiting. He can and will bring peace to our storm, joy to our broken heart, and strength to our weary body and soul. Let us learn why He purposely designed waiting to bring us the promises that He has every intention of giving us once He knows that we are truly ready to handle them.
Restoration will happen the moment where we decided to let the Lord be everything to us. So that when someone does us wrong, which seems to happen daily, we search our hearts and seek from whom are we trying to get what we believe we “deserve”—from God or man? God has everything; man has nothing (only what God gives him). And He wants to lavish you with love, compassion, kindness, and safety from all harm and never anything that brings heartache.
Tell us HOW it happened Adele? Did your husband just walk in the front door? Adele, did you suspect or could you tell you were close to being restored?
No, because he was still sleeping somewhere else, never spending weekends at home, or coming back very late almost the next morning just to get ready for work. Just before his brother was about to come, he said he was going away for the weekend, it was supposed to be from Thursday, while it used to be from Friday or from Saturday. I was surprised because he used to just go without saying anything. Yet finally he didn't go, I didn't know why, but he just chose us.
Dear Brides, as I also learned in Finding the Abundant Life, when we choose to turn our passion and thirst for the One who created us, and become His bride, then we will be filled with good things, all good things, since we are truly—His—His faithful bride. The tragedy is that the happiness that we believe will turn our lives around, which we believe is found in having a man, doesn’t even exist. God created us to need to be loved by One, and only One. And when we are unfaithful to Him, we end up with the very same broken life as if we were unfaithful in our earthly marriage. This is where I was. If you are there too, stop right now and tell the Lord that you want to be closer, closer than any human who had walked the face of the earth. As a result of that simply asking, each day you will continue to fall more and more in love with the Lover of your soul. And each day you will see how He provides not just for your needs, but also for the desires of your heart. Just as I discovered. No man on earth can compete with what you, what I have found once I gained the intimacy, love, and protection that He gave me, what He will give you when we truly long and yearn for Him.
Do you have favorite Bible verses that you would like to pass on to women reading your Testimonies? Promises that He gave you?
Proverbs 21:1 "The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: He turneth it whithersoever He will." is my favorite.
Dear Brides, like Michele said and what really speaks to me is, we need to trust God to help us to let a situation go. We need to meditate on how good God is and how much our HH loves us. We need to refuse to recount and replay unkind words. Much of what we learned came from our childhood and the lies we believed then, and sadly, choose to believe as adults rather than choosing to believe the truth. When we choose to believe a myth, which is defined as a falsehood, we keep ourselves from our abundant life. Our family, friends, or husband may have planted the lie, but when we continue to believe it, we are the one doing the watering that keeps the lie alive. All of us need to learn to listen to and obey God’s voice above anyone else’s, including our own. This begins with our day-to-day living and not just for the important decisions we make. Wherever and whatever you are struggling with (your lack of discretion, your mouth, your emotions, or any other areas that you are dealing with), your Bridegroom wants to help you with it. He never wants you to struggle by carrying burdens that you have picked up or encumbrances someone has dumped on you. Instead, pass them to Him to carry for you. This will leave your arms open wide to embrace Him with the appreciation and love He deserves and is longing to receive from you.
Would you recommend any of our resource in particular that helped you Adele?
Yes, all of them and the entire resources that I read continuously. But 1st of all, the How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book, it helps me to know practically what to do and not do so that the situation will not be worse. So even if it was difficult to follow, I was sure of the right things to do. A Wise Woman workbook, is absolutely the best to know about my sins in the marriage and having like a face to face with God. Powerful.
Also, the Be Encouraged eVideos were very encouraging! I was listening to them every day over and over to hear encouragement.
Each morning I can't wait to come and read the next chapter of FAL. It's brought tears to my eyes, it's like I'm reading a letter of love from God about His Son and my HH. And I just want to love Him, to stay there immobile all the day, but I have my husband at home and a home with its duties :-).
“The world of the generous gets larger and larger; the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller. The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped.” I'm learning this morning to just begin to give what we have when we see that the Lord has given us the opportunity to do so. Especially when we seem to have nothing left, give in order to receive. If we fail to give, we will be left wanting, while on the other hand, we will again overflowing, thanks to our Lord and His faithful promises. Give to women who don't know the truth, don't know there is hope.
Though I was a born-again Christian, I was not so wanting the Lord, I wasn't aware of some verses in the bible. At the time I was desperate for the void in my life, for my marriage not being like God intended it to be, but not knowing how to work it out. I found here essential responses to all those questions.
So, thank you very much for your free resources. It's no doubt the Lord is using you in my life, I will not have enough words to say how I'm grateful and I've changed since I'm reading all the resources available for me here. Each time I need to be encouraged or to learn something it's always with excitement because I know I will find more than I knew I wanted. Each time I will stay reading and meditate, organizing what I learned for more than the time I allowed at the beginning, so thank you and God bless you.
Would you be interested in helping encourage other women Adele?
Yes of course
Either way Adele, what kind of encouragement would you like to leave women with, in conclusion?
Don't give up, persevere, and continue, when you fall or fail to do something, ask God to forgive you, and ask Him to give you the strength to continue. Afterward, you will look behind and notice that you succeeded in walking, praying, enduring because God was helping you day after day.
As it says in Finding the Abundant Life I want to also say to each of you dear Brides.
There is no reason for you to long for a man who is longing for the world and the things of this world. You have a special Someone who will cherish and love you, and give you every desire of your heart and if you have enough of Him, you will never experience that pain of rejection or longing again. He does not want you to be His wife, He longs for you to be His Bride—forever!! A bride and a wife are two very different things. A bride is cherished, is new, and is someone very much in love! A wife is more of a helpmeet and a “completer.” We need to feast on the intimacy with Him that is ours when we just take the time to develop it. Nothing comes from thinking about it—it comes from prioritizing our lives by first prioritizing our hearts! The Lord we are speaking about is right now on bended knee with a proposal on His lips! Tell him you want to be loved by Him. He will give you all that you want and need, withholding nothing. And because of that kind of love flowing through you, you will be able to give unselfishly to your husband and children. But we cannot express to anyone what we don’t have ourselves, when we live in poverty and in need.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). The fact that my situation didn’t resemble any other restored testimony was because God wanted to change my life, to do that, He has to stretch me (and you), and the only way to do that is to bring really incredible trials into my life and yours in order to stretch my and your faith and to learn to trust in Him.
“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?” (Jeremiah 32:27).
Search out all the verses concerning the specificity of the situation, so that when my thoughts or anyone wants to come and discourage me, I will have them.
~ Adele in France
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Now, stop to relax, grab your coffee or cold beverage, and talk to your Husband, your Maker, and ask Him questions. Listen to what He's telling you in your heart. Then when He leads you—pour your heart into your journal, writing down what you've learned in your 💔 30-Day Journal to Heal ❤️🩹.
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