Audio: Chapter 1 "My Beloved"
Chapter 1 “My Beloved”
I thank God . . . as I constantly remember you
in my prayers night and day,
longing to see you,
even as I recall your tears,
so that I may be filled with joy.
—2 Timothy 1:3–4
Dear Beloved Sister in Christ,
It is not by chance that you are holding this book in your hands; it is by Divine Providence. God has heard your cry for help, as He did mine, and He has come to rescue you. The pages that follow will guide you as He guided me when others said it was completely hopeless.
What He asked me to do was not easy, nor will it be easy for you. But if you want a miracle in your life, it can happen. If you want a testimony to share with others on the faithfulness of God, it will happen. If you really want God to restore a marriage that is hopeless, read on. God can and will restore your marriage as He did mine.
The Bible says that “the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His” (2 Chron. 16:9). He has been looking for you to help you. Are you ready?
You will need zealous obedience. You must “enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Matt. 7:13–14). It is your choice whether to follow His narrow way now or to turn back.
This is the time to choose. “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days . . .” (Deut. 30:19–20).
If you are still reading and have not thrown this book away, then you have chosen to go on. Tears are in my eyes as I think of the glorious resurrection of your marriage and family that awaits you. I pray blessings upon each and every one of you. I rejoice that some day we will meet, either on this side or the other side of heaven, where there are no more tears.
Dear sweet sister in Christ Jesus, God can and will restore your marriage: you have His Word on it. “And Jesus answered and said to them, ‘Truly I say to you, if you have faith, and do not doubt, you shall not only do what was done . . . but even if you say to this mountain, “Be taken up and cast into the sea,” it shall happen’” (Matt. 21:21).
Since you are reading this book, I assume that you are in a crisis in your life because of your marriage. Has your husband left you? Have you left or asked your husband to leave? Perhaps you have gotten this book before either of you has taken this drastic step of leaving. Even if divorce has been spoken of during an argument, divorce papers have been filed, or a divorce has gone through, you must believe that “all things [can] work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose” (see Rom. 8:28).
As you go through the personal trials in your troubled marriage, if you really want things to work out for good, you must first love God and really want His purpose for your life.
Right now His purpose is for you to draw closer to Him, to let Him transform you more closely into His image. And take courage, for God has said, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5). God has not left your side: “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me” (Ps. 23:4 KJV).
I’m sure that the “valley of the shadow of death” describes how you feel about your situation, but God has allowed this for your good.
Only afterward will you shine forth as gold. “In this you greatly rejoice, even though for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold (which is perishable) even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory and honor” (1 Pet. 1:6–7).
The most important thing for you to do right now is “Be still and know that I am God . . .” (Ps. 46:10). Then follow God’s way. Make sure that everything that you do or say follows the Scriptures; be sure that it follows the Bible consistently.
God has no desire for your marriage to be over. Remember that Jesus Himself said, “a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Consequently, they are no longer two but one flesh. What God has joined together let no man separate” (Matt. 19:5–6). Also, “‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel. ‘So take heed to your spirit . . .’” (Mal. 2:16).
Satan is the one who wants your marriage destroyed, not the Lord, not God. Remember that “the thief [the devil] comes to steal, to kill and destroy; I came that [you] might have life, and might have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Don’t believe the devil’s lies but “take every thought captive” (2 Cor. 10:5).
Don’t allow him to steal your husband. Don’t allow him to destroy your family, your life, and your children and to steal your future. Believe me and believe others who can tell you from experience that divorce will destroy children and steal your children’s future as well as your own.
Follow God’s way instead. Take Him as your husband as you await restoration: “For your husband is your Maker . . .” (Isa. 54:5). “‘For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you” (Isa. 54:10).
Pour over the Bible letting Him “wash you with the water of the Word” (Eph. 5:26). Pray and believe what Scripture says, not what you see, since “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Heb. 11:1). “And without faith it is impossible to please God . . .” (Heb. 11:6).
No one but God knows exactly what you are going through or the answers you need right now. If you pray (simply talk to God) and listen to Him (read His Word, the Bible), He can lead you to the victory that He has for you. Be very careful when choosing to follow what others may say, including those of the world, friends in the church, pastors or any counselor who tells you something he has heard or read that is not in the Word of God. If you are praying and reading God’s Word, God will speak to you first in your heart or during your Bible reading then someone will confirm the direction in which He is guiding you, which will be consistent with His Word!
Too many people, Christian or not, tell you things that sound good and feel good in the flesh. But if it doesn’t follow Scripture, it is wrong! You will be on sinking sand. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked” (Ps. 1:1). When it is of God, it usually sounds crazy (like believing for your marriage when others say “get out”!) and it always needs the help of the Holy Spirit to carry it out.
Don’t act impulsively or be quick to move. God usually says, “Wait!” Many times during the wait, He changes the situation. God said that He is the “Wonderful and Mighty Counselor” (Isa. 9:6). Don’t you want the best? Wouldn’t you want a Counselor who knows the future? One who can actually turn the heart of your husband? There is only One who can show you the right direction. Trust Him and Him alone! There are actually more broken marriages in the church than there are in the world, so don’t follow any Christian, Christian counselor or pastor who gives the world’s advice instead of God’s.
Sadly, Christian marriage counselors destroy too many Christian marriages. They get you and your husband to talk about the past and to say things that should never be said. Cruel statements are lies of the devil or fleshly feelings. Then, after the counselor listens to what he has prompted you to say, he will tell you that your situation is hopeless!
If someone (including your spouse) has told you that your situation is hopeless, start to praise the Lord. Hopeless situations are exactly where the Lord chooses to show His power! “With people this is impossible but with God, all things are possible!” (Matt. 19:26).
Work with God. And don’t believe that without your husband’s help or cooperation your marriage can’t be saved or improved. Our ministry was founded by and for those who are the only partner seeking marriage restoration! All that is needed is your heart and the Lord’s strength. “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth that He may support those whose heart is completely His . . .” (2 Chron. 16:9).
I have had the privilege of being “counseled” by the Best Counselor and I want to share some of what He has told me through His Word. No two situations are exactly alike; nevertheless, His Word applies to all. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor. 1:3–4).
Search His Word after you have prayed. “Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find . . .” (Matt. 7:7 KJV). “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:5–8).
You must have faith! And where do you get faith? From Him! Ask Him for faith, since “all good things come from above” (James 1:17).
God’s Word, His Principles
Beloved, whether you know the Bible well or even if you have never read it before, the Bible alone must be your guide to restore your marriage. This book that you are now reading consists of all the verses that the Lord used to guide me through the fires of trial to my restoration.
The Lord showed me that I had violated many of the principles of marriage, and He also showed me other sins that I was unaware of or had never dealt with (by repenting of them). All of these sins and violations led to the destruction of my marriage.
It is the same with all who find their marriages in shambles or completely destroyed, including you. You will soon find, if you are not aware of it yet, that it is not just your husband who violated God’s principles. You will find, as I did, that you have done much to contribute to the destruction of your marriage. This understanding will be the turning point as you accept and look at your sins, not your husband’s.
The wisdom that I learned, from reading and rereading the verses of Scripture that the Lord led me to, helped me to understand what the Bible really was and what I needed it to be in my life—my guide. The Bible is filled with the spiritual laws of His creation. When God created the world, He not only made it with physical laws, like the law of gravity, but He created it with spiritual laws as well.
Just as violating the physical law of gravity will result in the consequences of us stumbling or an object falling, in the same way, violating the principles in Scripture regarding marriage will result in your marriage falling.
Another amazing discovery is that the ways of the world are always opposite to the ways of God and His Word. The way you have been dealing with your husband’s leaving you, his adultery, his drinking or drugs, or the divorce papers he served you more than likely is the same way that anyone in the world would have dealt with them. What you will find, as I did, is that this is the exact opposite of the way that God intended trials to be dealt with in order to bring victory. “. . . This is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith” (1 John 5:4).
When I began to follow God’s way, which was the opposite of the way everyone else was doing it, I started to see my marriage turn around. The ways of the world always result in destruction, but the ways of God always bring about healing and restoration. “For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life” (Gal. 6:8).
I have put together a quick reference in this chapter to help you to immediately get your marriage out of crisis. These principles, if followed to the letter with a sincere and humble heart, will result in an immediate or future restoration of your marriage—it is guaranteed, not by me, but by God in His Word.
The more a woman follows these principles, the more restoration she will see as a direct result of her obedience. Those who stay in crisis, or who never see their marriages restored, are those who refuse to believe and obey the spiritual laws of God or erroneously believe that they are above the laws of God. One of the “Be Encouraged” videos is devoted entirely to testimonies of mistakes that kept women from restoration.
If you are one of those who believe strongly that you are not “under the law” and are therefore free to violate God’s laws, “may it never be!”
“What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!” (Rom. 6:15).
“Do we then nullify the Law through faith? May it never be! On the contrary, we establish the Law” (Rom. 3:31).
“May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?” (Rom. 6:2).
Those who understood the law of gravity learned to rise above it, which resulted in man being able to fly. The Christian who studies the Word of God will rise above the world and astonish the unbeliever who will then seek God. However, a person who believes that he is above the law of gravity, and violates that law by jumping out of a plane without a parachute, will fall to his death. This is why so many Christians live lives full of destruction.
Believe and Obey
If you are like many women who want to restore their marriages, not only must you believe that God can restore your marriage, but you also must obey His Word. When you read this book, it might help you to remember that the book you are reading was written by someone who was desperate—desperate to follow God’s Word no matter what!! How about you? Are you willing to follow God’s Word, no matter what it costs? No matter how much it hurts? The question you must ask yourself is “How important is saving my marriage?”
Receive anything. If you don’t obey God with zealous obedience, you should expect nothing from Him because you are double-minded. “For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:7–8). “I hate those who are double-minded, but I love Your law” (Ps. 119:113).
Faith by my works. If you say you have the faith to trust God for your marriage, act on it. “What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith, but he has no works? Can that faith save him? . . . But someone may well say, ‘You have faith, and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works’” (James 2:14, 18). There are so many testimonies of those who chose to “believe” instead of obeying. Every one of them is still “believing” for their marriage, but not one is restored!
Tear it out, and throw it from you. Again, how important is your desire to have a restored marriage? Are you desperate enough to do whatever it takes to save it? If you don’t believe God calls us to that kind of obedience, look at what Jesus said in Matt. 5:29–30: “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.”
Through the entire fifth chapter of Matthew, Jesus calls us to a higher obedience than what had been written in the Old Testament. Read it to motivate yourself to obey to the point of looking like a fanatic. If what you are doing right now does not seem crazy to others, you need to become more radical in your commitment to your marriage, because that’s what it takes!
We all must be like Peter in our obedience. Each time he was asked to do something, like allowing Jesus to wash his feet, he went overboard! He even went overboard when Jesus asked him to get out of the boat. He was the only one who followed Jesus with such a zealous commitment. Even so, Jesus rebuked Peter for his little faith (Matt. 14:31). Are you lukewarm? “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth” (Rev. 3:16).
Trust and believe that God is able and wants to restore and rebuild you, your marriage, and your family. God does not have any other person out there for you, nor does he think you’ve picked the wrong person. “For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning her husband. So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man” (Rom. 7:2–3).
If you are thinking about remarriage, you should know this—your second marriage has less than a 20% chance of survival! You would have an 8 out of 10 chance of going through another painful divorce! Then it’s on to numbers three and four. Stop now at whatever number you are on. There is a better way!
Instead, “Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord” (Ps. 27:14; see also Isa. 35:4). “O give us help against the adversary, for deliverance by man is in vain. Through God we shall do valiantly, and it is He who will tread down our adversaries” (Ps. 60:11; see also Ps. 108:12, and please read chapter 11, “For I Hate Divorce,” for more knowledge).
Don’t run to others about your situation. First talk to God; search His Word for your answer. “. . . Seek and you will find” (Matt. 7:7, Luke 11:9). “He is the Mighty Counselor” (Isa. 9:6). “Do not walk in the counsel of the ungodly” (Ps. 1:1). Don’t tell others about your situation: “May a slanderer not be established in the earth” (Ps. 140:11).
Also, “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain” (Prov. 31:11). “For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:37). “A slanderer separates intimate friends” (Prov. 16:28; see also Prov. 17:9.) (See chapter 7, “Kindness on Her Tongue,” for more knowledge. Such knowledge is not optional but essential: “My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge” [Hos. 4:6].)
Ask God for a female prayer partner who will believe God with you for your marriage. If you want your marriage restored, stay away from singles groups!! You do not belong there if it is your desire to have God restore your marriage! Stay away from “support groups” that are too often nothing more than “pity parties.” If you want a restored marriage, don’t attend a divorce recovery group that will encourage you to move on. You have to choose now whether you want hope or closure with your marriage.
Instead of joining a group, we strongly suggest that you pray and ask the Lord for just one other woman who will help you. All I had was one other person and the Lord. All you need is one other person and the Lord! You can find an Encouragement Partner who understands what you are going through on our website.
Stop all arguing with your husband! This one principle will be a deciding factor as to whether your marriage will be restored. There are so many Scriptures on this topic, pages and pages I could type out for you. Here are just a few: “Agree with your adversary quickly”! (Matt. 5:25 KJV). “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). “The beginning of strife is like letting out of water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out” (Prov. 17:14). “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise . . .” (Prov. 17:28).
“She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Prov. 31:26). “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel” (Prov. 20:3). And, “He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom” (Prov. 18:1). Have you been a contentious woman? (See chapter 6, “A Contentious Woman,” and chapter 8, “Won Without a Word,” for more knowledge.)
Remove the hate or hurt; then try to look lovingly into your husband’s eyes. “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed” (Ps. 34:5). “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matt. 23:12, Luke 14:11, Luke 18:14). Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother who had sinned against him. “Seven times?” he suggested. But Jesus replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:22). That’s 490 times! Have you decided not to forgive your husband for what he has done to you or to your children? The lack of forgiveness is very dangerous to you and the future of your marriage. (For more knowledge, read the section entitled “Forgiveness” in chapter 9, “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit.”)
You must begin to see your husband as God sees him. Pray for your husband. You need to first forgive him and any who are involved with him—friends, family, co-workers, and even the other woman. (Again, see the section entitled “Forgiveness” in chapter 9, “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit,” to learn more about the dangers of not forgiving.) Then you will be ready to pray for the man God wants your husband to be. Stop looking at the bad things he is doing. Replace that with asking God to show you the good that he is doing and especially the good he has done in the past. (See the section entitled “Respectful” in chapter 7, “Kindness on Her Tongue,” for more knowledge.)
Thank God for these things and take the time to thank your husband when he calls or comes by. If your husband has left you, don’t call him! But if you have left your husband or ordered him out of the house, you must call him and ask for his forgiveness. This point is critical! The longer you wait, the greater the possibility of adultery, if it hasn’t occurred already. (Please read the testimonies on our website, which provide evidence of how these very principles worked in the lives of women who followed them.)
Once you have repented, do not keep repenting. This can be counterproductive. Also, whether or not your husband accepts your apology is not the issue. You are doing it out of humility and obedience to God and nothing more.
Speak kindly and lovingly to your husband when you have an opportunity to talk with him. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Prov. 16:24). “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22, Prov. 18:14). You don’t have to be joyful about your marriage problems; just be joyful that God has them all under His control. “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness” (Heb. 12:11).
Don’t listen to gossip or anyone who tries to give you bad reports about your husband. Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:7–8). Maybe your husband says he’s not involved with anyone else, yet you know he is. Nevertheless, you must believe him instead. You’re not being stupid or naive; you are expressing unconditional or God’s love.
Sometimes it is your family or closest friends who try to persuade you to pursue divorce or to tell your husband off for the things he has done or is doing. You must separate yourself from those who attempt to lead you astray from God by feeding your flesh and emotions. “Leave the presence of a fool or you will not discern words of knowledge” (Prov. 14:7). “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip” (Prov. 20:19). If you slander your husband, others will slander your husband too! “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy . . .” (Ps. 101:5).
Because you will receive much advice that is contrary to the will and the Word of God, don’t share your situation with anyone! Ultimately it will arouse self-pity or anger in you! These emotions are of the flesh and will war against your spirit. God says in Galatians 5:17, “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” Listening, discussing, or seeking counsel for your situation will also bring in confusion, since most Christians do not really know the Word of God. Even pastors may advise you contrary to God’s Word! Unless they have “walked on the same water,” they may disregard or minimize God’s principles when you desperately need the entire uncompromised Word of God to save your marriage!
Do not try to find out what your husband is up to. That means following him or any kind of snooping. If you do suspect there is someone else, or you know that there is someone else he is involved with, then do what God says: “Let your eyes look directly in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established” (Prov. 4:25). “Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught” (Prov. 3:25–26). Again, remember that love “believes all things” (1 Cor. 13:7).
Do not confront your husband or the others involved! That is a net that Satan has left. I, like so many other women, fell into this trap. Watch out! You may satisfy your flesh, but the consequences will destroy you and any feelings your husband may have for you. Don’t talk to the OW over the phone or in person or send her a letter telling her that you forgive her. This is not God. It’s the devil playing on your self-righteousness.
So often, women erroneously think that they should confront their husbands because “they shouldn’t get away with it.” All who have confronted their husbands, out of ignorance as I did or out of ignoring this book or my personal warning, have written to tell me how much they regret it! They all have shared that it resulted in many horrible consequences! Please don’t be like Eve who went ahead and did what she knew she shouldn’t!
Once the sin is out in the open, it will be flaunted in front of your face, and you will lose the advantage that God has given you as “the wife of his youth” (Prov. 5:18). Remember, love “believes all things . . .” (1 Cor. 13:7).
You must remember at all times that this is a spiritual war. As in all wars, it is foolish and dangerous to let the enemy know what you know. No battle in the Bible was ever won by revealing inside information from the Lord! Nor does it tell us to reveal enemy movements. Instead, the Bible warns us to fight this as a spiritual war! First Timothy 1:18 says to “fight the good fight.” “We do not war according to the flesh” (2 Cor. 10:3). We are told instead to “be of sober spirit [which literally means wake up], be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8).
Your husband (and others) is working with the devil, as his slave, to destroy your marriage, future, and children. “Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?” (Rom. 6:16). To win this war, you must be a slave of righteousness—don’t confront him about his sin or what you know!!
Do not try to find out where your husband is if he hasn’t given you his whereabouts! This is God’s protection for you! Be quiet; be still. Go into your prayer closet and begin to fight the battle through prayer, on your knees before the Lord. God can change your husband’s heart, but you will harden it if you openly reveal mistrust, suspicion, and jealousy. “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). The other woman will then appear to be the one wronged, not you! Every man protects and defends the adulteress when his wife verbally (or physically) attacks the other woman. Be quiet! Listen to the “Be Encouraged” videos to avoid making this fatal mistake.
Don’t act hastily in any decision. At this time you are not thinking clearly and are most certainly acting on emotion rather than wisdom. “And he who makes haste with his feet errs” (Prov. 19:2). “The prudent man considers his steps” (Prov. 14:15). “There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Prov. 16:25, Prov. 14:12). “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Prov. 29:20).
“The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord” (Prov. 16:33). “A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil” (Prov. 14:16). Don’t hurry to make changes like setting up a “visitation schedule.”
Don’t be quick to run to get a divorce. God says, “I hate divorce” (Mal. 2:16). Don’t move out or leave your home: “She [a harlot] is boisterous and rebellious; her feet do not remain at home” (Prov. 7:11). Don’t follow her ways!
Have you gone to your husband with your needs, your fears, or your problems—only to have him let you down or reject you? Memorize these Scriptures: “My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory” (Phil. 4:19). “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, yes, wait on the Lord” (Ps. 27:13).
“When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Prov. 16:7). “Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future” (Prov. 31:25). Instead of pleading, take this opportunity to thank your husband and praise him for how he has taken care of you in the past. This is God’s way; it’s called contentment.
Part of your problem may be your career outside the home. Since God said to wait for things, but we move ahead and charge things, you may have “needed to go to work.” Now your house sits empty while you work, your children are in day care, and your husband has his own apartment. Satan is a thief!
Soon you will lose the house that you worked so hard for. Allow God to save your house, your family, and your marriage. (For more knowledge, see the section entitled “Servant of All” in “The Ways of Her Household,” found in A Wise Woman.)
Never seek your husband’s help and support in your present trials. There is no better way to drive your husband away from you than to tell him all that is wrong at home! The reason he left you was to “flee” trouble. He will never return to a home that is in chaos or come to your rescue—never! A man who leaves or gets involved with another woman is concentrating on finding happiness. If you find help through your “love relationship” with the Lord as you should, when trouble hits (and it will hit!) then your husband will come running back home!
Did you ever encourage your husband to leave? We at Restore Ministries have seen too many wives who have asked their husbands to leave or who have been first to mention the word “divorce” in a time of anger. When you plant bad seeds, don’t be surprised if he ends up in adultery. Words have more power than you know. “But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment” (Matt. 12:36).
If there have been problems like alcohol, drugs, or abuse, don’t add adultery to them! Maybe you wanted him to leave because of alcohol, drugs, or abuse. Maybe one of you just felt that you didn’t love each other anymore. (Please read the section entitled “Comfort Those” in chapter 8, “Won Without a Word,” for more help.) Men who are out of their homes are considered “single” even though they are not! Separation is the first step toward divorce, and divorce is a life-changing mistake.
Too many older women, ignorant of the destruction of separation, advise young women to tell their husbands to leave or not to allow them to return home. Older women, as stated in Titus 2, should teach what is good and encourage younger women to “love their husbands, to love their children . . . being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.”
The separation that is spoken of in 1 Corinthians 7:5 is to be done with mutual agreement and for the purpose of fasting and prayer. This is confirmed in 1 Corinthians 7:13: “And a woman who has [a believing or] an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away.”
By making a decision to separate or divorce, you will have chosen to destroy not only your life and your husband’s life, but also your children’s lives and future. Your (future) grandchildren, your parents, and all your friends will also feel the devastating effects of this selfish, ignorant, and foolish decision.
By suggesting that your husband leave, you have taken that first step toward divorce. Isn’t it time to turn around before things go any further? The world and Satan have convinced you that this separation or divorce will make things better, but it is a lie! If that were true, 8 out of 10 people wouldn’t get divorced in that second or subsequent marriage. Once again, the Bible is clear: “a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away” (1 Cor. 7:13).
If your husband has left you, you must stop pursuing, pushing him, or even standing in his way. He will only try harder to get away from you or to run to evil. “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners . . .” (Ps. 1:1 NIV). The only roadblock should be a “hedge of thorns” (see Hosea 2:6). You should read the book of Hosea in your Bible. We have a prayer written for you to memorize based on the hedge of thorns. (You will find it in chapter 17, “Stand in the Gap.”) Pray it daily for your husband.
We have heard of ministries who encourage “standers” to continue to pursue the spouse who has left with phone calls, cards, letters, and statements about their “marriage covenant.” This is not scriptural and has caused many to become “standers for life”! The Bible says, “. . . if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). If you won’t let go, friction will continue. “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners . . .” (Ps. 1:1 NIV). You must let your husband know that he is free to leave (based on 1 Cor. 7:15). This will cause him to stop running, pursuing divorce, or jumping into another marriage!
But I am already divorced. It’s never too late even if a divorce has taken place. Many “remarry” their former spouses after they have divorced. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). God specifically asked His prophet Hosea to remarry his wife Gomer even after she was blatantly unfaithful to him: “. . . For she is not my wife, and I am not her husband . . .” (Hos. 2:2). “Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now’” (Hos. 2:7). “Then the Lord said to me [Hosea], ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress’” (Hos. 3:1). God used the story of Hosea and Gomer to show His commitment to His own bride (the church) and His strong stand on marriage.
Don’t allow your children to see your pain or anger toward your husband. Do all that you can to shield your children from what is going on. Sharing with them about your marital troubles will only cause them to have bad feelings toward you and/or their father. (Please listen to “Be Encouraged” to see how to do this scripturally.) Don’t place the blame on your husband. “A wise woman builds her house but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1). The Lord “turns [the heart] wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). Be careful where you turn your children’s hearts. “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse” (Mal. 4:6), for “the glory of sons is their fathers” (Prov. 17:6).
The Lord has allowed these trials in your life, and your children’s lives, for a time, in order to draw you all closer to Him, accomplish His work in all of you, and then draw you back together again for His glory! When your husband is not around to blame, you can then look to God! When you are closer to Him, He can change you more into His image! “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed” (Ps. 34:5).
Don’t allow your children to speak badly about their father. You must demand respect for their father (whether they are 5, 15, or 25!). “Honor your father and your mother” (Exod. 20:12, Deut. 5:16, Mark 7:10). Again remember, “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse” (Mal. 4:6). (If you have spoken badly about their father, first ask God for forgiveness; next ask your husband’s forgiveness; and lastly ask your children’s forgiveness.) “He who conceals his transgression will not prosper” (Prov. 28:13). Then begin to build him up in the children’s (and your) eyes. (See the section entitled “Respectful” in chapter 7, “Kindness on Her Tongue,” for more knowledge.)
Remember, you will have trouble enforcing respect for their father if you exhibit disrespect for your husband.
Don’t allow your children to become unruly. “A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother” (Prov. 29:15). Instead of allowing them to vent their anger, use this time to teach them to forgive and pray for their father. When the anger is gone, the pain will be felt; then teach them to rely on God for comfort. This Scripture helped my (then) five-year-old when he memorized it: “For He has said ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” (Heb. 13:5). Your children are confused right now, so give them clear directions. (For more knowledge, see “Your Mother’s Teachings,” in A Wise Woman.) Again, you will have trouble enforcing this if you exhibit a lack of control.
Be careful not to choose the “easiest” road. It may seem like the easiest road, but in the end it is the road to even more sadness, trials, difficulties, and heartache than you are now experiencing. We, who have gone through difficult marriages, separation, and/or divorce, want to warn you against any ideas, books, or other people who will sway you to go the way of the world, which always ends in disaster! If the world endorses it, as Christians, we know it is the wide road to destruction.
Narrow is the way that leads to life, and few are those who find it! “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Matt. 7:13–14). You must look for that narrow way in all your decisions, in the way you speak to others, and in the way you handle the trials that will come your way now and in the future.
Please be careful what you read. The books whose foundation is in philosophy or those written by psychologists or marriage counselors can fill your mind with ideas that are not scriptural. These destructive ideas that are contrary to God’s principles will cause your restoration to go backward, not forward. We have learned the hard way that books that cover such topics as “tough love,” “spicing up your marriage,” and “co-dependency” have hurt our marriage tremendously. We have seen the damage that these ideas have done to our marriage and to the marriages of the men and women who have told us that they looked to them in their desperation. Instead, renew your mind with God’s Word. If you meditate on His Word, God promises in Psalm 1 that you will prosper in everything that you do!!
Look to God and to those of “like mind” to encourage you to believe God for your marriage. Please go to the Counselor (God’s Word), which is free, and save your money and your marriage. God wants you to Himself! Stay away from the “professionals.” Every professional has his or her ways and beliefs. There are thousands of Christian and secular marriage counselors and books about marriage problems. If they knew all the answers, why is there an epidemic of divorce especially in the church?!
Where do you begin? What should you do? Begin to move your demolished house onto the rock. “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock” (Matt. 7:24–25). “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1). “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Prov. 24:3–4).
Praise God in all things. “Let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name” (Heb. 13:15). “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4).
Learn to really pray. “I searched for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, that I would not destroy it; but I found no one” (Ezek. 22:30). Standing in the gap does not mean standing in your husband’s way!
Take every thought captive. “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).
Begin to renew your mind to be like Christ’s and to look down at your situation like God does, from above. Get A Wise Woman and work through it with a friend. Get a “Bible Promise Book” from your local Christian bookstore (very inexpensive) and put it in your bathroom. Many women use this as their prayer closet when they have children or a husband in the home. It is a place of refuge and you can pour over His promises to you.
Get 3x5 cards and write down different Bible verses that you can use to renew your mind, to fight in the Spirit (the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God), or to run to when you experience an attack of fear, doubt, or lies. Keep these with you and read them over and over again. Stop talking so much about your problems; listen to God and read His Word. Psalm 1 gives you a promise: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. And he will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” Practically speaking, if you read and reread this book to the point of wearing it out or take the time to make 3x5 cards with the Scriptures you need, you can’t help but meditate on His Word. Almost every woman I have met who has a restored marriage did one or both of these things.
No marriage is too far gone! “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matt. 19:26). Again remember that it is not true that you and your husband, together, must seek help to change the marriage. We have seen the good “fruits” of the women who have asked God to change their husbands’ hearts and to work on them, and God was faithful. (See “fruits” in Matt. 7:16, 20.) “And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3, Luke 6:41). We pray the same for you: that you will see clearly how to really help your husband by being a godly woman with a gentle and quiet spirit who smiles at the future.
How long? Many women have asked me “how long” their husband will be gone or “how long” their trial will continue. It may help you if you think about it as a journey. How long it takes often depends on you. As the Lord shows you an area that He is working on, work with Him. Do not become sidetracked with everyday life. Satan will bring in “the cares of the world” in order to choke the Word out of you. He also will bring situations, emergencies, and other crises that will divert your attention away from your destination—your restored family!
Too often our journey seems to have “stalled.” Just take the next step of obedience. Our “Be Encouraged” videos or audiotapes can help. When you become weary with the “wait,” do not lose heart. This is the time our Lord is using to stretch our faith and focus our attention on His workings in our lives. All that is required is our obedience, which will release spiritual power to work on our behalf. It is not necessary that God gives us a detailed explanation of what He is doing. We know that He will work out His purposes through whatever happens even when we have made a mistake. We must believe that He is working with people and situations and arranging circumstances for His good for us.
There Is MORE Help!
When women continued to come to us weary and needing hope, we were led to create a fellowship on our website to give more help, support, compassion, and guidance to those seeking to restore their marriages and all the relationships in their lives.
We would like to invite you to join our fellowship. We have received so many awesome praise reports about this area of our ministry, and it is growing by word of mouth. What is even more exciting is that we have seen more relationships restored on a regular basis than we ever thought possible!
We also want to help you find an ePartner, which is an encouragement, prayer, and accountability partner. Women are paired with other women who are going through the same or a similar situation and have a heart to restore every area of their lives. If you would like to join, visit our website at:
Many women in your situation rave about the change in them and their situation after reading A Wise Woman, which appears to be foundational to your restoration.
To give more hope when everyone keeps telling you that your situation is hopeless, we have our testimony book, By the Word of Their Testimony. This book is filled with testimonies of hopeless marriages that God miraculously restored. If your parents, friends, pastor, or coworkers think you are crazy because you believe God can restore your marriage, give them a By the Word of Their Testimony book and watch them begin to encourage you rather than discourage you!
We also have a book, Questions and Answers, that has proven to be extremely helpful in answering many of the questions you may have concerning marriage restoration. This book contains over 300 questions, which are answered through Scripture. In this book you will find the answers to most, if not all, of the questions you may have in terms of the practical walking out of the principles that you are now learning about.
Our most popular resource is a video series that goes into more detail and gives you more help in answering your many questions—the “Be Encouraged” video series. These will answer most, if not all, of the questions you may now have in terms of practically walking out the principles that you have just read or will read.
We look forward to the opportunity to help you through our website and to pray for you as you post prayer requests. Until then, let me pray for you now . . .
“Dear Lord, please guide this special sister during the trouble in her marriage. And her ears shall hear a word behind her saying, this is the way, walk here, when she turns to her right and when she turns to her left (see Isa. 30:21).
“Please reassure her when she sees a thousand fall on her right side and ten thousand at her left; help her to know that if she follows You, it will not happen to her (see Ps. 91:7). Hide her under your protective wings.
“Help her to find the narrow path that will lead her to life, the abundant life you have for her and for her family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.”
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith, in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness” my restored marriage! 2 Timothy 4:7-8
If you are ready to make a commitment to GOD to finish the course, by CLICKING HERE you've agreed, and are ready to document this first step of your Restoration Journey in your "My Daily Journal" form. Take your time, sit down, grab your coffee or tea, and pour your heart into your Journal.
Also, if you want to be paired with a LIKE-MINDED ePartner after your Rebuilding, be SURE to pour out your heart in EACH lesson.