Renewing Introduction, Week 1:
Establishing Relationships & Restoration Secrets
This Introductory Lesson is filled with principles that you should not just read once, but several times throughout your Restoration Journey—and especially when helping other women who are hurting.
So if you've read it before, read it again and then begin applying the principles with each and every one of your relationships—not just in your marriage—until it becomes second nature and you are no longer falling into the ditch most women fall into. And to make sure it becomes part of your life, ask the Lord to show you at least ONE other woman to share the truth with. That's when you know you're on the right road to restoration.
Establishing Strong & Lasting Relationships
When we begin any new relationship it is important that we are careful to make sure that each party is encouraged to INVEST equally into the relationship.
In almost ALL the relationships today, women are the ones who give the MOST—and are often the ONLY ones who give!
The results have been heartbreaking and I am sure this is what you are experiencing right now! The reason this happens is due to simply not realizing how dangerous giving too much is and how to avoid making this repeated and painful mistake.
Another huge mistake is what we do when we are rejected. Even though most woman have experienced the agony of another person walking out on us and telling us that he completely wants out of our relationship, we do the exact opposite of what would turn this situation around. Instead, we just repeat this pattern over and over and over again making things even worse and more and more painful. Even women who are restored will go back to this common pattern, but those who learn this one key principle, find they are free from the suffering of rejection.
Here is what you need to understand. When one person invests a LOT while the other person invest little to NOTHING, it is extremely easy for the one who has not invested into the relationship to leave—since that person has nothing to lose. And when that party leaves, the other (we) are devastated since WE had everything to lose!
Trying to protect ourselves is not the answer either. You'll need to learn and then apply the knowledge you're about to learn. You can either embrace this truth or reject it, but at some point the pain usually will drive each of us to do what we learned, what will work, and what will spare us from any more excruciating pain.
"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge— Because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you"—Hosea 4:6
Why or How Does this actually Happen?
Why do so many men NO LONGER invest into personal relationships? It's simple—because they don't have to!
They don't need to invest anything because we women do all the investing. In other words, it's because we leave NO ROOM and NO TIME for them TO invest!
While we are busy doing ALL the GIVING, the other person is far too busy TAKING, leaving them no room and no time and no desire to give anything back!
And because we never stop giving, which is called WAITING for them to give back (waiting is something God tries to teach us a LOT about), we never give the other person TIME to invest into the relationship.
GOD says WAIT
Habakkuk 2:2-3, “Then the LORD answered me and said, 'Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets, that the one who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.’”
Isaiah 64:4, "For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, Nor has the eye seen a God besides You, Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him."
Isaiah 30:18, “Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.”
Isaiah 40:31 KJV, “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
Even now you are probably the only party seeking help to know what to do to save or restore your relationship. Am I right?
What you need to do is to make ROOM for the other person in the relationship to make INVESTMENTS. And what you need to GIVE them is TIME to invest. WAIT. If they don't want to, or never get around to it, more than likely they never will—especially if we leave no room and no time.
*There is a God-given remedy for men who don't WANT to invest into a relationship, which you will learn in a later lesson. However the remedy will ONLY work if you take this first step by waiting and making room—giving the other person TIME.
When relationships begin this way (with you doing most of or all the giving) it's a good indication that at some point in time, maybe sooner than you thought, you found the other person wanting out of the relationship and you found yourself hurt— used and abused. And if you continue along this same course, I promise it will happen again and again and again.
Most women either become so messed up (thinking medication will help, but it only makes it worse) or they become so hardened and bitter, which affects every other relationship in their lives (as if a bad marriage is not bad enough to deal with) that their entire life is one horrible relationship after another.
In order to teach you this principle, this is actually how God led us to set up our entire RRR, which you are now taking part in. In order to teach you the right way to Establish a Strong Relationship, we have already started you off to experience just how it's done:
FIRST we offered or invested in you—by giving you encouragement on our website. Then we left room for YOU to invest into our relationship by filling out the Marriage Evaluation Questionnaire.
Then WE invested into the relationship again by offering you our RYM eBook as our GIFT when you read Part 2: Where Do I Begin, and made room for YOU to invest in our relationship by reading the books while you WAITED until WE contacted you again with our FREE Course 1.
Now, stop and read that again. Look at how we left ROOM for you to invest in our newly established relationship. If we were to give too much, not allowing you to invest back so that we were mutually and willingly BOTH investing, then one of us would soon end the relationship, leaving the other (who invested more) hurt.
Let's keep using this relationship as an example and watch how it began to grow. Once we offered you Course 1 of your Restoration Journey, we left room for you to read what we have written to you, while you pour your heart into your Journal—which keeps us in daily contact! Are you beginning to see how this needs to work in your current relationship?
Now here is a key point, if at any time there is a break in us hearing from you, we will WAIT to hear rather than to rush ahead and find ourselves not making room for you to invest in our newly-formed relationship. And should you not return, we don't chase after you either because when we've done this in the past the women who don't return on their own will never finish and experience a life changing restoration in their lives or marriages. Only those who invest into this relationship soon fill out a different form—their restored marriage testimony!
In the very same way, this is what you must change in the relationship you are here to RESTORE. More than likely, due to YOU being the only party who made ongoing investments, you are going to have to completely REFRAIN and stop from contacting your husband again until he contacts you. Because each time you make contact, you will poison more of your relationship and any positive feelings he may still have, he has buried, will completely die.
Restoration is a Journey, and journeys that change people's lives take TIME. And even though you don't want it to take time, but you want it to happen immediately, today. This time, these next 30-days will be time well spent— IF you still want to establish a strong and LASTING relationship and experience a restored marriage. The choice, the decision is entirely up to you.
You don't understand, it was ME who didn't invest.
There are always a few students who will not be able to relate to this lesson or to other lessons in each course. What we have done is to do our best to cover the most COMMON situations we see in our marriage questionnaires and journals; however there are always so many variables that would be impossible to cover.
To remedy this and what we have encouraged you to do from the very beginning is to allow the LORD to guide you. Have you taken His hand? Are you discussing each principle you've read with Him? Have you written your concerns and questions while you journal? Again, this is what will bring you to your desired destination the quickest while also making your journey pleasant 🙂
So it is with this lesson that doesn't apply: If it was YOU who did NOT invest in the marriage, then this lesson can simply be applied in REVERSE. Begin to INVEST into the relationship now.
However, if the other person is still hurt or still angry, and especially when they've done their best to make it clear they want to be left alone, then the most important thing is to HONOR and respect where they are NOW. No matter what, we can't go back, however, we can always move forward.
This is very much like the situation when you learn you were "suppose to submit" to a husband who is no longer living with you or you even have contact with. God will witness when you begin submitting to Him and to others in authority.
In the same way, if you were "supposed to invest" in a marriage that is now separated or divorced, then invest in another relationship, in another hurting woman AND help other women who still are able to invest in their own marriages. Encourage them to invest before it is too late for them!
God will see this and HONOR you by opening a small door to invest into your failed marriage in the near future. I can guarantee it only because I know God so well and have seen Him do amazing things when He witnesses a heart who wants to do what is right.
Those of you who need to do the investing in your marriage, but your investment would no longer be welcomed, OR if you just want to get on the fast track to restoration. Then use this time you're waiting to INVEST into the lives other women! While you wait for HIM to open the door for you to have the opportunity to invest in your marriage (or former marriage)—show God your heart and He will see it and HONOR you by opening a small door to invest in the near future.
Ask the Lord to show you just one other woman who is hurting. A woman, like yourself, who has been rejected and simply share Hope At Last.
Or take if you're more zealous, learn how to search for and respond to posted prayers on prayer sites by becoming an evangelist.
Let me conclude with a well-known fact: One of the most common characteristics of the women you read about who are restored, and especially those who were restored quickly—are the women who reach out and find others to help encourage!
Restoration is a very difficult journey to travel. MOST women who begin, sadly, never finish.
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith” —2 Timothy 4:7
WHY women don’t finish once baffled the few of us who made it and experienced a restored marriage. So we got together and agreed there are 3 Secrets that we agreed seem to be the greatest downfall of most women who give up and never finish—and we also have included 1 Secret to help you actually enjoy your journey.
Secret #1 Don’t Get Lost
Very few have been able to make the journey alone. Unfortunately most women grab onto a friend or a family member or their pastor or a counselor—hoping they will lead them. But how can anyone possibly lead you on a journey they have never taken? It’s like the blind leading the blind.
Each of us knew one thing: The ONLY way to get to your destination, your restoration, is by holding HIS hand. As we have said from the beginning, even more than following the principles we were called to teach you, what the most important principle is to grow in your intimacy with the Lord. This is the Master Key that will unlock every door to your future—or it can be the missing key that keeps you locked out IF you don't focus on this relationship first.
Each of us who experienced a restored marriage will also tell you that we would never have made it without having a good map. Our resources: our books and videos, are taken from the Bible that are the very Bible verses and promises and principles that He illuminated for each of us.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” —Psalm 119:105
And to help you with your journey, what women who traveled before you did not have, are these FREE lessons that are set up to help you along your Restoration Journey. Taking our books and lessons, while providing an easy way to Journal, is again what most of us used to navigate while changing along our journey—preparing us for restoration. We are able help show you the most direct path to take, but you'll need to invest your time, and to help you know which way you are going and to learn what He is teaching you at each stop, you'll need to stay close to Him and, again, journal each day.
Secret #2 Sing!
The one secret that will help you enjoy your journey—is having a song to sing along the way. What we've discovered is the absolute best song is choosing a love song to sing to Him. By singing a "love" song, rather than a "praise" song, which you may be used to—you'll discover how much it helps you understand the deeper relationship the Lord wants to have with you.
And, by singing, it will also help you to travel along joyfully, as you begin understanding that your Husband is right there—right next to you!
We hope you've done this throughout your journey thus far, that you've let go of "praise" music that has us assume that God or the Lord is far away in heaven rather than with us. Sometimes praise music makes us feel we need to be bowing down at His feet rather than where He wants us to be—in His arms—embracing Him.
Once you understand that He is not far away, looking down from heaven—but, instead, He's right there with you—the more it will change your life and help change the lives of everyone around you!
So, again, rather than singing praise music, begin singing a love song, which will help you feel Him right there beside you, deepening your relationship with Him even more. And if you listen to it over and over again, you'll find yourself singing it throughout your day—leaving you with a smile on your face!! “She smiles at the future” (Proverbs 31:25).
The song we'd suggest for this part of your journey is "Because You Loved Me." However, if this song is familiar and it reminds you of your EH or another man, then we ask that you stop and ask the Lord to show you another song. The last thing you want to do is to be unfaithful to your Husband by being reminded of another man, right?
If this isn't really your style of music or if English isn't your first language and you'd prefer another song, just let Him show you "Your" song. Be sure it's a love song, and be especially conscious [mindful] of the lyrics, because the words will be sown into your mind and emotions. Emotions will make your heart swell when you think of Him.
So, to prepare your heart and in order to really feel how close your Heavenly Husband is to you, we'd encourage you to download this MP3 file of the song that our Ministry Team chose for you to sing, at least once, to your HH. Be sure that each time you come to read a lesson and anytime throughout your day, you listen to your Love song (either this one or another one He says is "your" song). Begin your day with coffee or a hot beverage (or something cool to drink if you live in a warm climate), while you listen and sing your love song focusing on the Lord and feeling His love for you. Then move onto a Devotional, a praise report and then your lesson.
★ Why this song? Read the lyrics and the explanation, Song Chosen for Course 2
You can’t make it to the finish line if you carry too much with you. Most women feel that they need to carry their husband, their marriage, their problems, and a lot of sins with them. If you are carrying your husband, your marriage, all or even some of your problems—along with a lot of worry, or any sin—you will never make it.
“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart”
SIMPLY LET GO
Unless your husband has the opportunity of realizing his mistakes, with something motivating him to change, he never will. Another reason is because if you stick around in his life, he is going to continue to blame you. And even if your husband should come back, he will also bring his sins back home with him! This can mean him still wanting the other woman (or whatever else lured him away), or simply still being attracted to other women (or sins), finding someone or something new shortly after his return.
Secret #4 Truth will Set You Free
The final secret helped most of us find the endurance we needed to let go, travel light, and stay on the course. It was revealed in the above principle. Though we felt and others told us, including and especially our husbands, that he left or found someone else because he no longer had the same feelings for us, the TRUTH is/was, that it was GOD who removed them and made us an object of loathing to them!
Read the verse again with this truth in mind:
“You [Lord] have removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness. You have removed my acquaintances far from me; You have made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out.” —Psalm 88:8,18
Read the truth again in this verse:
“The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes.” —Proverbs 21:1
It will be the TRUTH, not what anyone else says or what you feel. And it’s not even what you believe you SEE!
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things NOT seen. —Hebrews 11:1
By knowing and studying the TRUTH, which is ONLY found in what God says, in His Word, will you be FREE to finish the course, receive the prize in a Restored Marriage of your own!
If you're ever missing a lesson form confirmation email (see the link below) that you remembered filling out, it's always due to not being careful when putting your email address in. So if this happened, due to the privacy the Lord wants us to give you, and the easy and light yoke He's given us, you will need to ask Him if He wants you to do that lesson OVER again or just move on.
We are simply your Spiritual Coaches and trust that it's your future and family's future that's at risk. It's your future you're working toward, good or bad—so remembering you're traveling this Restoration Journey with the LORD, not us. All we can do is Encourage you to take His hand and keep moving.
Since it’s YOUR future that’s at stake, we believe YOU should be given the choice to skip a potentially important lesson, to rush through it, OR to listen to the Lord (who may or may not) want you to repeat a lesson, repeat the entire course, or to skip a lesson or wait a full month for another session to begin. 🙂
What we will use your lesson forms for is pairing you with a like-minded ePartner. Once we see you are going to the LORD and not another person for help (us, a friend, counselor, or even someone like a pastor or priest), then we will PAIR you. Most often this happens during the Rebuilding Phase of your Restoration Journey—giving you time to be well grounded in His Word AND also to be sure that your relationship with the Lord is strong enough so you will be in the habit of running to HIM when you need comfort or direction.
To sum up your Lesson Form (the link is below): When you pour your heart out when filling out your lesson forms, keep in mind these are being written to the LORD, not us. HOWEVER be sure to fill out ALL the lesson forms so that your journaling will make in you the same changes they made in each of us.
"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win"—1 Corinthians 9:24
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith"—Hebrews 12:1-2
Much love to you,
Our Marriage Ministry Team