Chapter 13 "The Ministry of Reconciliation”
“Now all these things are from God,
who reconciled us to Himself through Christ,
and gave us the ministry of reconciliation...”
2 Corinthians 5:18
Everyone reading this workbook knows someone who is presently in a “bad” marriage or marital crisis. When your friend or family member shares the details, you feel hopeless, helpless and very angry with the “other person.” You pray for your friend or family member, try to comfort them and offer some type of help, but what are you really supposed to do? Marital destruction is coming at us in epidemic proportions; what are we to do? Are we to help them? And if the answer is “yes” then how are we to minister to the broken, the angry and/or the hurting?
God gave us the ministry of reconciliation. God gave all of us (those who claim the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior) the ministry of reconciliation as 2 Cor. 5:18-19 states: “Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.”
There are many verses that we will study in this lesson that confirm that we are to help those who come to us, but we must be VERY careful to help them within the guidelines of Scripture. When I was in the midst of the destruction and collapse of my marriage, everyone, and I mean everyone, had advice. It didn’t take me long to find out that other people’s advice could potentially cause further damage.
I found that well-meaning family members who certainly cared for me, our children (and even Dan) gave me advice, which I followed and which ultimately continued to destroy my marriage. It was when I got fed up with the consequences of following other people’s opinions (that they picked up from friends or shows like Oprah Winfrey) that I made up my mind to one, not talk to others about my situation and two, make sure that what I was about to do lined up with God’s Word. These are two of the core principles that are the foundation of our ministry.
Yet, even when God called me into ministry I can honestly say I made too many mistakes as others came to me for help. It is one thing to seek the Lord for yourself, but an even bigger responsibility to help or guide another. I made a commitment to the women that I minister to that I will only tell them what I have done or would do if faced with the same or a similar situation AND only if it lines up with Scripture.
I count it a privilege to have the opportunity in this chapter to share my mistakes with you, along with what the Lord has shown me, as I sought Him, which has brought much fruit during my ministry to women in marriage.
Many men and women who know about our ministry send their family and friends to us, and rightly so, but there are some people that only you will have contact with. Just as the pastor of your church is not the only one who is called to share the gospel to the lost, you, too, must be knowledgeable to lead others toward restoration.
We are ambassadors for Christ. Who do we work for when the Lord sends someone to us? We are ambassadors for Christ. “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.” 2Cor. 5:20. An ambassador is defined as “a diplomatic official of the highest rank sent as its long-term representative to another.” We are to represent Christ in our dealings with this person whom the Lord has sent to us. This position is “long-term,” meaning that we are called to see that person through to the victory of their marriage. However, as I have learned, our position cannot stand in the way of their personal relationship with Jesus as their “Savior,” nor can we take the place of the Holy Spirit as we play jr. holy spirit, since this will inevitably stand in their way of restoration.
So the good news is that you are not ALONE in your endeavor nor will you go unaided. The not-so-good news for some of you is that it will mean relying more on the Holy Spirit for guidance rather than relying on yourself. You will need to know God’s principles rather than continuing to speak your thoughts and your ideas. “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isa. 55:8-9.
To be effective in ministry, you will need to renew your mind with God’s Word, with His ideas and with His principles. You will need to refrain from telling her “what your friend did” or “what you heard on a talk show.” Even some of the Christian books that you have read on marriage have probably filled your mind with ideas or techniques that will undoubtedly destroy their marriage rather than healing it. “He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” Ps. 107:20. What the Lord is asking you to do, as HIS ambassador, is to represent Him, His teachings, His principles, in the spirit of His love and compassion, using His Word.
Though I have been blessed to have “walked the walk,” having obtained a restored marriage, and have had over a decade of marriage crisis ministering, I can honestly say I have no earthly idea what to do when someone asks me for help for their failing or destroyed marriage. How many times have I pleaded with the Lord to help me know what to do, not do, and say or not say to this hurting and desperate woman? Unless you are totally dependent on the Holy Spirit in humility of mind, KNOWING that you are incapable of helping this person without His working through you, you will cause the person whom you are trying to help to stumble in the midst of the enemy’s attack on their life and marriage. In Luke 17:1-2 Jesus warned, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks should come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.’” So take heed to the counsel you offer or the sympathy you give when you are not in total and complete servanthood to the Lord.
A stumbling block to Me. Matthew 16:23 says, “But He [Jesus] turned and said to Peter, ‘Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s.’” One of the greatest ways to destroy your friend or family member is to fail to understand the reason or reasons behind the marital destruction and/or to take sides in the matter. Let’s first talk about the reasons behind this destruction.
What Caused the Marriage to Be Destroyed?
When you read the book How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage, which by the way is required reading for this lesson, you will notice right away that it begins with comfort. That comfort is based on the fact that God has allowed this situation for their good, so that He can draw them closer to Him. And as an ambassador, you will need to help them find the way to, or way back to, Him. It is not your place to take His place, but to turn them to Him for comfort. For some this is a very hard thing to do. You may have been given the gift of mercy, but if this gift is not being controlled by the Holy Spirit it can inadvertently injure those you are trying to help.
We are to comfort, but “with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God,” not apart from or instead of God. 2Cor. 1:3-5 says it this way: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”
So the first, main and most important reason this trial has occurred is that the Lord wants to use this crisis as a means to draw the person to Him or back to Him. This must be in the forefront of your mind and this goal must take precedence in any and all contact with those who are seeking your help. It is not for you to become closer (though often this occurs) and it is not even for them to draw closer to their spouse (though this, too, usually occurs as they are transformed more into the Lord’s image), but it is for the sole purpose of gaining a deep and lasting relationship with the Lord through this painful, and often long, trial. If you miss this most important reason you will get in the way of the Lord working. You may do all you can to try to “fix” the problems and to find solutions for them. You must resist this temptation and instead help them to seek the Lord for His solution, His comfort and His guidance.
Destroyed for lack of knowledge. The second reason this trouble has occurred is found in Hosea 4:6. It says, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” Most of us entered marriage and stumble through marriage without knowing or understanding the principles of marriage. Therefore, we are destroyed for that lack of knowledge. To take this principle further, if we are unaware or lack the knowledge of what to do or what not to do when a crisis hits in marriage, then we will further damage the marriage.
For you to help someone else you will need to know the principles yourself. Do you? Have you studied to show yourself “approved unto God, a workman that need not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth”? (2Tim. 2:15, KJV). Well then, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the word of truth.” 2Tim. 2:15. This workbook, along with the Restore Your Marriage book, will help you. However, if you do use any other material, once again, be careful that it is founded on and not just quoting Scripture.
Many authors love to quote Scripture in order to prove their point; however, the principle must be founded on Scripture so that it will remain standing when the trials come against it. “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock. And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and burst against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock.” Matt. 7:24-25.
The authors also must prove themselves by fruits. Whether you want to believe it or not there are MANY false prophets in the world today. And many have a large following, even you perhaps. Jesus warned us in Matt. 7:15-20, “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor figs from thistles, are they? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit; but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits.”
However, if you don’t know the Word yourself, you could easily be deceived. The more I know of the Word, the more I am able to discern error in authors. I have read some authors who have later gotten off track, but if I had not had a firm knowledge of the Word, I would have taken it as truth. My all-time favorite authors use a lot of Scriptures. Learn to know the Word of God well enough to discern error in what you read and in what you believe. Then use the Word frequently when ministering to others. Why? Because...
“The law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul;
The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the LORD are true; they are righteous altogether.
They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them Thy servant is warned;
In keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors?
Acquit me of hidden faults.
Also keep back Thy servant from presumptuous sins;
[Let this be your prayer]
Let them not rule over me; then I shall be blameless,
And I shall be acquitted of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.” Ps. 19:7-14.
When you listen to something that has occurred between two individuals it is only natural to take the side of the one from whom you have heard the story. However, Proverbs warns us, “The first to plead his case seems just, until another comes and examines him.” Prov. 18:17. Trust me, everything you hear is not all that there is to the matter. When Dan first left me there seemed no question as to who was at fault. However, it took the Lord to show ME that I had a LOT to do with our marriage being destroyed. In all the years I have ministered I have NEVER seen a one-sided situation even if it “appeared” that way in the beginning. Whether there is infidelity or abuse, alcohol or drugs on the husband’s side, I have NEVER seen that the wife is innocent of fault which ultimately helped to destroy the marriage.
At this point it seems logical to go and listen to the other side of the story. Counselors do this by bringing in both parties to “fight” it out in their presence as they act as referee. This method I would not advise, and to tell you the truth, I refuse to be a party to. I once was put in this predicament when I was called to meet a woman who was in jail. When I arrived her husband was there. This woman was in her glory as she erroneously assumed I would be there to judge who was right or wrong. I simply left. I did this on scriptural grounds. “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be saved through Him.” John 3:17. If God didn’t send Jesus to JUDGE the world, I am sure He did not send me (or you) either!
Don’t allow yourself to get in the middle of a situation trying to judge who has done what. It is not what you or I have been called to do. Rather, we are to minister truth and comfort as we seek the Lord to lead us. This leads me to one of the many lessons I have learned in the area of ministering.
* NEVER listen to anger, but comfort and listen to those who are expressing their pain and hurt.
When someone writes or I am called on to minister in my own church, I refuse to listen to anger. It is not only futile to try to minister to someone in this state of emotion, but also it is catching! Prov. 22:24-25 warns, “Do not associate with a man [or woman] given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, lest you learn his ways, and find a snare for yourself.”
* NEVER listen to slander. I refuse to listen to what a woman’s husband has done or is doing.
In addition to not listening to someone’s anger, I also refuse to hear much in the way of details for several reasons: first, to save the person sharing the details from destruction. Ps. 101:5 warns, “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy; no one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart will I endure.” When I allow someone to go on and on sharing slanderous details about their spouse, I am setting them up for destruction. I have laid a net for their feet. This is probably so hard for you to comprehend since this is the way most counseling sessions are conducted, and besides, we are curious and we love to hear the details. Isn’t that why you watch all those terrible shows where each person is slandering his family and friends for the world to witness? It’s the stuff we are NEVER to listen to for many reasons. Here are just a couple of them:
- Because it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. Eph. 5:7-13: “Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.” Therefore, do not be partakers with them when they attempt to tell you details of what has happened or is happening in their marriage.
- Because it will separate you from the other party in the marriage. “A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends.” Prov. 16:28. “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.” Prov. 17:9. How often have I heard, before I had a chance to stop someone in our church, things about her husband who was one of our pastors, an elder or a close friend of Dan and mine? Each and every time I have a really hard time looking at her husband in the same way. I have trouble not thinking of that person in the negative light that his wife shared with me. And I always feel that my face shows that “I know all about you!”
When we pair men with men or women with women as ePartners in our ministry, we warn them about sharing details for the very reasons stated above. However, there is an antidote for the feelings that will arise when ministering to a couple. If you are ever caught in this trap of the enemy, first stop the person who is trying to share, and secondly, be faithful to pray for their spouse. There is no better way of curing hateful feelings, which is what you get when you hear some of these reports, than to pray for your new enemy. Matthew 5:44, 46 tells us, “But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you [or someone you love]...For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers do the same?”
You will do your friend or family member no GOOD if you take up offenses against their spouse. Don’t allow the enemy to pull you in to do his dirty work and help that woman tear down her own house! When you listen to details you can’t help becoming bitter against the offender. “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” Hebr. 12:15. I once heard in a Bill Gothard seminar that God gives His GRACE only to the person in the midst of the evil, not the one who witnesses it or the one who later hears about the injustice. We must be VERY careful not to judge a situation even when we witness it. We are not capable of looking at the heart of either person, or the circumstances leading up to the event.
With all this in mind then HOW can we help?
- Listen to the hurts.
- Comfort them in their pain.
- Quiet their spirit and tongue.
- Pray for and with them.
- Encourage them to share their own shortcomings.
- Point them to truth from the Word, and introduce them to the principles from the restoration and Wise Woman book.
- Walk with them, side by side, toward restoration — first their restoration with God, then restoration with their spouse.
Listen to the hurts. “‘Comfort, O comfort My people,’ says your God.” Isa. 40:1. If God has ever comforted you in anything, then you are capable of comforting your friend or family member in anything that they are going through right now. For it is He “who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2Cor. 1:4. That was part of why you went through what you went through, to have the compassion to comfort others who need to find the Lord in the midst of their pain. You don’t necessarily need to identify with the cause of their pain, but you can certainly identify with the agony of their pain.
Quiet their spirit and tongue. Once you have allowed them to share their hurt and pain (not their anger), then quiet them with love. Isn’t this the way the Lord deals with you? Oh, the love of the Lord — knowing He cares for us! Tell them you love them and remind them (or tell them for the first time) that the Lord loves them. Once they have shared their hurts once, that is when to stop them. Don’t allow them to go round and round again stirring up more pain. Often on the second “go-round” it stirs up anger. It’s time for you to do the talking. So once you tell them that you love them, and that God loves them, then stop and pray for them (and for wisdom to guide them).
If you are physically with them, and not ministering over the telephone, make sure you hug them and/or hold them in your embrace. You know that they are feeling unloved and alone. Touch is a powerful tool for reaching out to the hurting and drawing them to their Savior. Jesus did a lot of touching, especially of those who felt unclean. If you are not a “touchy” person, then ask the Lord to enable you to be His ambassador and bless you with this ability.
When I began this ministry back in 1990, I was not a person who enjoyed hugging or touching people outside my family; it was not the way I was brought up, nor was it my nature. Maybe this is you too. But God has a way of getting around the way we were brought up and giving us His nature. Not only have I had the privilege of hugging and holding those who were broken and even dirty or smelly, but also just recently I was given the “mantle” of a sisterly kiss. It happened quite unexpectedly when a very influential and well-known woman in our country hugged me, kissed my cheek and told me she loved me.
Soon afterward, I met a brokenhearted woman at the altar who came down for prayer. I hugged her, kissed her and told her I loved her, all before I realized what I was doing! Whatever wall was up inside me — fear, self-consciousness or lack of compassion — the kiss of this influential woman who was willing to embrace and love me was like Elijah’s mantle being thrown upon Elisha’s shoulders. Oh, that the Lord would grant you, too, this precious mantle that cannot be worked up or made up, but instead is the very arms and kisses of the One for whom you and I are ambassadors – the King of kings!
I have put My words in your mouth. A woman who has a call to be a “minister of reconciliation” must be a woman of prayer. You must not just pray for the women you are ministering to, but also that the Lord will speak through you. How dangerous and arrogant to believe for one minute that we have any wisdom in ourselves. Even if we are well versed in our knowledge of the Bible as it relates to our ministry, how do we really know what is going on behind the scenes in this woman’s life?
Deut. 18:18 “I will raise up a prophet from among their countrymen like you, and I will put My words in his mouth, and he shall speak to them all that I command him.”
Isa. 51:16 “And I have put My words in your mouth, and have covered you with the shadow of My hand, to establish the heavens, to found the earth, and to say to Zion, ‘You are My people.’”
Jer. 1:9 “Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, ‘Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.’”
With a total and complete dependence on God for how and what we are to speak with the woman in marriage troubles, we can allow God to speak through us; thus we are not on our own, but merely messengers of the One who sent us.
Pray with them. It may surprise you, but there are many women, even in the church, who are not comfortable praying out loud. Some don’t know how to pray at all. This is part of your ministry – to teach others how to pray. However, if you are not a praying person then you will have trouble leading others. Make sure that when you pray with them you are careful not to be too flowery or too spiritual. This will cause them to feel that they will never be able to pray “good enough.”
I like to pray a short and simple prayer first, then stop and ask them to pray. If they hesitate, I encourage them by telling them that praying is just talking to God or the Lord; that is, it’s just like the way they have been talking to me. Most will hesitate for a time (some for a very long time) but I try to keep silent long enough to let them take that first step. Once they get going their heart opens up and they are on their way to a special and intimate walk with the Lord. My favorite blessings come when I am able to encourage those who have never prayed before; these women will pray the sweetest, most child-like prayers that often bring me to tears.
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16.
Pray for them. So often we neglect to pray. We say we will pray for someone, but too often we completely forget. The best remedy is to right there, right then, pray for your friend, your family member, your coworker or the woman at church. There is nothing that touches another person’s heart more than to hear someone calling out to God or touching heaven on their behalf. When I am approached in the foyer of our church by someone asking me to pray for them or someone else, I have recently got into the habit of taking their hands and saying, “Let’s pray.” I don’t care who is around or what others think.
Later, the Lord usually will bring them to mind again, but just in case, I keep a little spiral-bound notebook and jot down who I have promised to pray for so that I can add them to my prayer cards later.
We have not ceased to pray for you. Being “led” by the Spirit is wonderful when He faithfully puts a woman on your heart to pray for, but we must be diligent and faithful to pray for her every day. I like to make up a 3x5 card with her name on it. I add specific things that she has shared with me in pencil so that I am faithful in my commitment to pray for her. Some women like to keep a prayer notebook. Whatever the method, make sure that you do not neglect to pray for those whom God sends to you.
“For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you may walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.” Col. 1:9-12.
Walk in a Manner Worthy
The verse you just read in Colossians is a marvelous outline of how you can pray for each woman God has sent to you. Let’s take a good, close look at this verse to glean some wonderful insights about what God wants to accomplish in her life as you gently guide her along her walk toward restoration.
To ask that you:
- May be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding…
- So that you may walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God…
- Strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience…
- Joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.” Col. 1:9-12.
It’s interesting that the first line, “may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding,” contains the same components of building a house in Proverbs: “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” Prov. 24:3-4.
Teaching What Is Good
Clearly you must encourage the woman you are ministering to to begin to renew her mind in the ways and precepts of God. There would be no better way than to meet with her regularly and go through this series with her once she has gotten through the “crisis.” (This is what the Restore Your Marriage book is designed to do: get the marriage out of crisis.) If you are careful to make prayer and teaching your main goals for your meetings, this will eliminate so much slander, self-pity, debating and/or controversy. Take charge of your get-togethers by initiating prayer and getting down to the ministry of teaching. You will see that there will be little time left for empty chatter, murmuring, complaining and slandering.
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.” Titus 2:3. It is a big job to teach or encourage a woman in all that we are called to, but now it’s as easy as inviting your friend to your house, fixing coffee and watching the “Be Encouraged” videos. Many women feel inadequate to lead a woman to the Lord or to lead her to become a godly woman; however, ANY woman is capable of opening up her home and inviting another woman to spend a couple of hours with her once a week. (For more knowledge about how to teach, see Lesson 15, “Women, Encourage the Younger Women.”)
If you are uncomfortable meeting with her alone (or you know she is uncomfortable meeting alone with you), then pray about getting a few of your friends or her friends together once a week. It can be planned around food, which always brings people out. Just use the videotapes to do the lesson. Many women who lead classes find that it is so refreshing because they are not the “bad guy” or the “spiritual one” speaking the truth. It’s me on the video that they can become angry with. And if they do become angry, remember to agree with them. Try to understand where they are coming from. Get on their side. This is scriptural and may be the only way to keep them coming back.
Matt. 5:25, KJV says to “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”
Prov. 18:19 says that “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.”
And finally, Prov. 16:21 tells us that, “The wise in heart will be called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.”
If you are “wise in heart” you will be discerning. Usually the women who oppose the truth are believers living in rebellion or not true born-again believers at all. It takes the working of the Holy Spirit to help you discern whether to agree and be sweet or to boldly state the truth. Since you are on God’s mission, He will be faithful as long as you trust Him to guide you. Just be careful that you “do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Prov. 3:5.
However, we all make mistakes. It is unrealistic to believe that you will not do the wrong thing and rebuke when you should have agreed or vice versa. It’s what you do when you make a mistake that will reveal whether you have the character of a godly woman or you are just going through the motions. “For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again…” Prov. 24:16. At your earliest opportunity, go to her and humble yourself by admitting your mistake. Don’t wait for the enemy to come in and use your arrogance to capture someone who is weak in spirit. Matt. 5:23 tells us how important it is. “If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”
Prov. 28:13 warns us about the danger of covering up our mistakes, and gives a promise to the one who is faithful to confess when he or she has made a mistake. “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
After you go to her privately, if there were others who witnessed your mistake, then it is proper to make sure you tell them as well. Since I learned the enormous blessing of “boasting about my weaknesses” I actually try to find opportunities to tell others about my mistakes. “But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, ‘GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.’” James 4:6. “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2Cor. 12:9.
The devil will work through our pride. Instead of encouraging us to share our faults and weaknesses, he will prompt us to share our “victories” with others who in turn will flatter us for a job “well done.” Prov. 29:5 warns us, “A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps.” We all love people to admire us; unfortunately, it is nothing but a trap. Therefore, when you share a victory with anyone make sure that it is what THE LORD HAS DONE! If you must boast, boast in Him! 2Cor. 10:17 tells us, “But HE WHO BOASTS, LET HIM BOAST IN THE LORD.” We are merely the vessels that He has chosen. How can we, the piano, boast of the music that is being played when it is the Pianist, the Lord, who is the true Musician?
You must be utterly and completely DEPENDENT on the Lord for every move you make, for every step you take. As a leader and a teacher, you will be accountable for all those whom the Lord has given you. “Your leaders … keep watch over your souls, as those who will give an account.” Hebr. 13:17.
Reconciling the World to Himself
Let’s once again read our opening verse, 2Cor. 5:18-19: “ Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.”
Your main focus with your “ministry of reconciliation” MUST be to lead your friend or group of women to reconcile with the Lord. After a decade of ministering in marital crisis, there is one thing that I am convinced of and that is that a marital problem is nothing more than a spiritual problem manifesting itself in a marriage. Therefore, our goal, yours and mine, as “ministers of reconciliation,” needs to be to get to the root of the problem: to look at the source of their destruction, which is their desperate need for a close and intimate relationship with the Lord. We begin by allowing God to work through us as He entreats the broken and desperate woman to find Him in a new, deep and wonderful way. “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.” 2Cor. 5:20.
The word entreat means to “beg somebody repeatedly.” The verse goes on to say it a second time: “we beg you on behalf of Christ…” Though the woman you are ministering to might think that it is her husband who needs to be reconciled to God, the truth is that He first wants her! In most instances, it is the woman whom the Lord first tries to reach in the midst of a marital crisis. The woman, I believe, is the “heart” of the marriage relationship and it is the “heart” that needs to be turned to God first before the head (the husband) will turn back. However, a hard heart cannot be turned; it needs to be broken.
A woman who is in a marital crisis will either be angry or broken. Sometimes you see both of these emotions, which often means that the anger is being broken, but it is not yet complete. After trying for years to help women in both categories, I have decided that I will not minister to the woman who has not come to the place of brokenness for three reasons:
- There really is no point. No matter what I say, or how I share with her, even sharing my past hurts and becoming transparent about my own sins or shortcomings, she cannot hear me. My words are not able to penetrate a heart of stone that shows itself through anger. “If anyone has an ear, let him hear.” Rev. 13:9. She simply is not interested in hearing what I am saying.
At this point she is simply attempting to get someone to hear her side and side with her. “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires…” 2Tim. 4:3.
- If I take my time and effort to attempt to minister to the hardhearted woman who is angry at her husband, angry at God for allowing this to happen, and now angry at me for trying to help her in a way that she doesn’t want to be helped, then I will be worn out, and I will not be available to minister to the woman who is broken and willing to be healed. “Behold, I say to you, lift up your eyes, and look on the fields, that they are white for harvest.” John 4:35. There are plenty of hearts that are white for harvest; don’t make the mistake of trying to reap a soul before it is ripe.
- My rebuke or reproof will eventually result in her becoming angrier. Prov. 29:1 warns us, “A man who hardens his neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.” This is the same reason why we tell women not to continue to appeal to their husbands — because it will inevitably result in a complete break in their relationship. The same goes for your relationship with your friend, family member or coworker. God is the ONLY one who can take a heart of stone and turn it to a heart of flesh. “And I shall give them one heart, and shall put a new spirit within them. And I shall take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh…” Ezek. 11:19.
Schemes of the devil. “Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.” Eph. 6:11. A scheme is defined as “a secret and cunning plan, especially one designed to cause damage or harm; a systematic plan of action.” It is a scheme of the devil to make you feel you must do more (more talking, more persuading) to turn your friend around. No amount of talking will break her. That is the job for the Lord. He will allow a new turn of events, more of the situation to be revealed, or an even greater crisis in order to bring her to a place where she knows she needs HIM. Don’t get in God’s way.
More highly of himself. In addition, do not let the devil try to convince you that your call as a minister is more than it is. “For through the grace given to me I say to every man among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.” Rom. 12:3. We are the Lord’s ambassadors, nothing more and nothing less. It is ridiculous for a U.S. or other government ambassador to begin to act on his own behalf rather than on the behalf of the president or ruler of the country he represents.
An ambassador is the “go between” who uses his or her skill to reconcile two parties who are “at odds” with one another. “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.” 2Cor. 5:20.
“And they have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, Saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ but there is no peace.” Jer. 6:14.
Superficial healing. Anytime we try to take the place of the great Physician or administer a healing balm apart from the Word of God, we will heal others superficially. It will “appear” as if they are healed, but deep down the cancer will still be growing. Jer. 8:22 asks us, “Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has not the health of the daughter of my people been restored?” There is a healing balm in the Word of God; there is a Physician, so why is the spiritual health of God’s people, the Christians, in such a devastating condition? Because we have turned to the philosophies of mankind, turned our focus to the mind of man, the psyche, rather than to his spirit. Though it is true that the psyche is the center of thought and behavior, and maybe even the soul of a man, it is the spirit that will remain. The spirit is the center of our existence and need for God and His Word, which feeds and heals our spirit.
Jesus “answered and said, ‘It is written, ‘MAN SHALL NOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE, BUT ON EVERY WORD THAT PROCEEDS OUT OF THE MOUTH OF GOD.’” Matt. 4:4.
To omit or limit the Word of God from the woman who is broken is to starve her soul from the nourishment that she is desperate for. And just like when a person is starving in body, the water or food is given slowly but consistently until they are able to feed themselves. First liquids, then later meat: “like newborn babes, long for the pure milk of the word, that by it you may grow in respect to salvation.” 1Pet. 2:2.
His Word healed them. Ps. 107:20 says that “He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” You must use His Word when attempting to heal the hurting and brokenhearted. Nothing short of this will do. Nothing put the pure, unaltered Word of God will do. Don’t water it down; it must be given in its full strength to bring about the miraculous cures that He only is able to accomplish. This is why so many women write to us about the incredible transformation our restoration book (or another book of ours) has brought about in their lives. It is because it is MOSTLY Scripture; it is healing them deep in their spirit, which is what is bringing about their transformation. When coupled with the “word of my testimony,” it is a powerful double punch that rids them of the attacks of the evil one as it calms and soothes their souls.
A woman forsaken and rejected needs love, understanding, and often our time. However, our goal must be, once again, to introduce or reintroduce her to the One who “will never leave her nor forsake her” (Hebr. 13:5). We cannot always be there for her, nor should we try. If we cause her to become dependent on us, rather than on the Lord, we have done more damage than good. We must share with her this powerful and comforting principles: “‘For the LORD has called you, like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected,’ says your God.” Isa. 54:6.
Tell her, “For your husband [right now] is your Maker, whose name is the LORD of hosts; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, who is called the God of all the earth.” Isa. 54:5. When she truly finds the “lover of her soul” she will need no other — not you and not her husband either, for “my God shall supply all [her] needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19. When the “neediness” is gone from a woman who was once “grieved in spirit” she will appear “radiant” to her husband and his heart will be turned back to her.
Not Counting Their Trespasses Against Them
John 3:17 “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be saved through Him.”
Matt. 7:1-2 “Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.”
Luke 6:37 “And do not judge and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned.”
With a ministry of reconciliation, you must be rid of all and every kind of judgment. You may have compassion for the woman you are ministering to, but if you stop there and judge her husband, you have missed the purpose of your calling. It may be your job to listen to her hurts but you must not pass judgment on either of them. Believe me, it is almost impossible to do. The only way for you to accomplish this is to have “the mind of Christ” who was “moved with compassion.” Jesus saw beyond their sins, their tears and their afflictions. Only through Him, as His spirit abides in us, will we find and fulfill the great commission.
It is not our place to determine who is more in the wrong. Instead we are instructed to minister the Word of God in such a way as to lead the woman to the One who can heal, transform and restore her.
And finally, before concluding this chapter, let me share one note of caution. Make sure that you minister to WOMEN only. The only man to whom you can safely minister must be blood-related: your son, your brother or your father. None of these should be “step” either. The devil is VERY clever. I have seen women caught in adultery and unfaithfulness when they attempted to help a close friend or family member who was not blood-related. And don’t pride yourself that it would “never happen.” None of us are above anything. It is only by the grace of God that you and I have not succumbed to unfaithfulness since apart from Him we can do nothing!
In a situation when a man approaches you, it is wise to send them to your husband or give them a men’s Restore Your Marriage book. If they return to talk about it, then kindly, but firmly, send them to our ministry’s fellowship for support and encouragement. Or, if you know about another man who is in a similar situation, encourage them to meet together as encouragement partners.
We are ambassadors of Him who sent us. We are the saving link between the woman in distress and destruction. We pray “standing in the gap” so that He will find someone there. We are to reach out to them, bringing them to, or back to, their Savior. We are to nurture them in the ways and admonition of the Lord, teaching them what is good and right.
We are not to judge them or their husbands. We are not to take the place of the One who sent us. We are not to heal them superficially by giving them philosophies of men or by watering down the truth and power of His Word. We are not to attempt to minister to the woman who is still angry and not broken, but leave room for God to finish the work He started.
It is a high calling to be an ambassador of Christ in the ministry of reconciliation. It is difficult and painful but so very rewarding. When you choose to be sent into the battlefields of marriage destruction you will put yourself in the place of seeing miracles first hand. It is a job I highly recommend.
Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying,
“Whom shall I send,
and who will go for Us?”
Then I said,
“Here am I. Send me!”
Personal commitment: To acknowledge and accept the ministry of reconciliation. “Based on what I have learned from God's Word and from observing the epidemic of separation and divorce occurring in the world today, I commit and surrender my will to the Lord’s desire that I should be His ambassador. I will be faithful to offer hope through a tract or “Hope card” and also be willing to invest my time to lead them to the One who can heal and restore.”
If you are ready to make a commitment to GOD to finish the course, by CLICKING HERE you've agreed, and are ready to document this next step along your Restoration Journey in your "My Daily Journal" form. Take your time, sit down, grab your coffee or tea, and pour your heart into your Journal.
As an “Older women likewise…teaching what is good, that they may ENCOURAGE the young women…” (Titus 2:3) you will have the opportunity to speak to the younger women who are still single as part of your ministry.