Kathryn, how did your restoration actually begin?
It was August, I was 8 months pregnant, and my husband was returning from a three month trip that he’d taken for his work. Out of nowhere, the day after he came back, he told me that he had no feelings for me. I was devastated, we talked and agreed to remain together, and I thought everything had been settled. But just days after my son was born, I discovered that he actually got involved with an OW during the trip.
My world seemed to be over. I just did not give up living in that moment of despair only because I had a baby that depended entirely on me. He said he was sorry, so I decided to forgive him, but nothing was as before.
The big mistake I made was when I started chasing him, checking his cell phone, rummaging through his pockets and drawers. I turned to a beggar, begging for love and affection. I thought of how things had been, I had always had my husband at my disposal, my beckon call. All I could think was how unfair this was, why had this happened to me, to us? I couldn’t understand because our marriage had always been so great.
At the end of that year, he had to travel again and this time he sent me to my parents' house in another state to live. The year-end parties passed the time and had us seen as a couple. But nothing we did brought us back together as a couple. Then one day I got a call from a woman, the OW. I was furious and again, without my son, I know I’d have been ready to end it all and knew I could have ended it too.
When I confronted him, once again he was repentant but this time I sought help from our pastor, who talked to him a lot. I made him call the OW, in front of me and listened in as he ended everything with her. Thinking everything was settled, believing he had reconciled with God, we traveled to my parents' house to spend his vacation and get our baby.
Yet, the insecurity inside me continued. On several occasions I touched on the subject of how I felt but it was only met with more apologies and promises, him saying it was over with the OW.
When we got back home it only got worse. He would go to work and not come back, saying he was on duty but I was sure that’s not where he was. I even exchanged offensive messages with the OW—oh how I regret that and so many other things I did!!
The bottom of the pit I’d been falling into was when he disappeared for a month. He left me and our son without a penny, did not pay the rent and then sent a message saying that his ship had traveled again.
It’s then that I received help from some people who were also praying for us. Yet, I still ran after him, and each time he said he would come home, but soon he would ask me to go back to my parents' house to live because he could no longer support me.
How did God change your situation Kathryn as you sought Him wholeheartedly?
So, I made a decision that would change my life forever. I sought the Lord with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my understanding. I gave all the afflictions that I was suffering into His hands and gave up fighting with my weapons and stood by to watch Him battle for me. I understood that this family was given to me by the Lord and if He allowed this to happen, it was because He had some purpose in our lives. I placed myself at His disposal so that He would do His will in my life. The main change I felt immediately was peace.
Even in moments of sadness, even receiving the bad news, even when It hurt a lot, God comforted me. It’s also what pushed me to finding my Heavenly Husband, who I was offered at the beginning of my restoration journey, but never pursued, not until the pain got unbearable and I was out of ideas.
What principles, from God's Word (or through our resources), Kathryn, did the Lord teach you during this trial?
I used many principles I learned from RMI as an instrument of faith in this journey:
1. Let go: This principle goes far beyond getting out of His way. It meant not looking for my EH anymore, not calling to collect the bank deposits that were not made, not to pay attention to him when he came to visit or spend time with his son. All this was very fair to be required of a husband, but God taught me to give up his care (earthly husband) and trust in the provisions of the Lord, a more faithful and loving Husband.
2. Close all social networks: One of the ways the devil used to hurt me was on Facebook because the OW knew I was watching and the enemy loved to torment me. Almost daily she posted pictures of the two of them, but thankfully, I never had the courage to look. Unfortunately, other people saw and spoke to me about them. The OW also sent me messages but I did not read them. First, I blocked her but then I got rid of my page which I wished I’d done as my lessons said to do and I’d done it right away.
3. Stop being contentious: I stopped criticizing, stopped advising, and I stopped trying to be the Holy Spirit in my husband's life. Then I proceeded to act and react with meekness and gentleness.
When he called, I spoke to him quietly and kindly. If he did not call me, I would not even look for him, even if it took him a month to show up. I often was very worried, but I simply gave the situation to God and trusted my Husband to work it out.
4. Find His Love. Without having a HH I never would have healed, never would have kept peaceful. Even after I was restored, I would not have had enough love and patience to give my husband who returned broken and demanding.
What were the most difficult times that God helped you through Kathryn?
The hardest times were when my son needed his father's presence. I thought, my son has a father, he was not accidentally made, not even by mistake, he was dreamed about, once loved and cherished, but now he lives as if he were an orphan. But then God reminded me that He does not leave us helpless or orphans! My son lacked nothing, not material things, neither love nor attention. He was surrounded by affection from all of my family. It was in taking my concerns to my HH that I was able to see the truth and no longer struggled.
He began to help me understand that since I had a HH that meant He was also my son’s Father. As soon as I realized this, my son never had as much milk to drink nor as many diapers in stock as he did then! His Father provided everything!! As His promise says, due to his father's lack of care, God gave my son everything—even his own private physician during this time. It was truly unreal.
Kathryn, what was the “turning point” of your restoration?
The turning point is very difficult to define, exactly, but I can say that it was approximately a year ago. For the first time, my EH talked about going on holidays with us, however, I had already purchased passage to spend my vacation with my sister. So, when he asked, I asked him, gently and lovingly, if he wouldn’t mind taking another ship over, and he happily accepted. To be honest, I was a little apprehensive, but everything worked out beautifully. I enjoyed my vacation with my sister, then after a few days, he arrived. I speaking to him very kindly, left him alone waiting for him to approach me and never questioned him at all about anything he had done when he wasn’t with me. I also resisted the temptation to ask him about what he’d done during the year that we were apart—what he had done that had gotten us into this mess. I think the temptation was due to being agreeable when my sister continued to pester me to ask. Saying didn’t I want to know.
Instead of asking anything I just kept silent. Then as we talked, I listened as he began to make plans for the future and my son and I were included in everything he said, every plan he made.
As my husband spoke I was speaking to my HH, thanking Him in my heart and I agreed with whatever my husband said. We treated each other all the time as friends during this vacation with no physical intimacy. But on the day of our farewell, my mother saw tears in his eyes and then he surprised us all with giving me a passionate kiss. That’s when we all knew God turned his heart back and the restoration had really happened.
Tell us HOW it happened Kathryn? Did your husband just walk in the front door? Kathryn, did you suspect or could you tell you were close to being restored?
On the last day of our vacation he said that he would return when he got his things packed. But I knew it was a pit ready for me to fall into. It’s a mistake to trust in man, so I rested in God and got closer to my HH. If it were His plan, it would happen.
Interestingly, I remember Erin quoting in her book that when things seem to be getting worse it’s because God is about to surprise us, and it soon began getting worse. My EH remained unmoved for almost a month after our vacation, so I simply thought it was the end, Because, after having been with us, making plans, he suddenly disappeared again, but I had my HH and He was enough. I spoke often with the Lord, saying, “You, my Love, have been my Rock, my Husband, my Friend, I do not need anything or anyone else. I am more than happy to just be with You.”
My life became even quieter and more peaceful living like this, just the three of us (my HH, my son and I). Whenever anyone would ask, and I’d be reminded of my restoration I’d speak to my HH, “Darling, if it is Your will to restore my family, do so. But if possible, I prefer to go on with my life as it is.” I said this to Him and exactly seven days later, my husband showed up and gave me a long hug. The next day was my birthday, which we spent all together.
The next day he left my son and me at my parents' house and when I went to walk him to the gate, he gave me another kiss. After that, he told me he’d be right back, just to get his things, and when he came back he'll never leave us again. He assured us he was coming back to pack us up, to give us a new place where we were going to live together.
Two days later, he really did show up. Together we packed up the truck he rented and arrived in only about five minutes from my parents’ house in a home he’d rented for us. For the past eight months we’ve lived in relative calmness. Any time I feel anxious or begin looking to get what I need from my marriage or from my EH, I rush off to get alone with my HH. So far, it’s working like a dream and it’s what I hope is the way I will live for a lifetime.
Would you recommend any of our resource in particular that helped you Kathryn?
I recommend the books How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and also A Wise Woman that give us a good foundation to build restoration and our lives upon. Also, the Daily Encourager blog also still helps me every day to keep my focus on my HH.
Would you be interested in helping encourage other women Kathryn?
Either way Kathryn, what kind of encouragement would you like to leave women with, in conclusion?
Never, never fight with the weapons of the flesh. Do not place your trust in your earthly husband, because your trust needs to be with God. It’s God who will restore. I know how difficult it is but surrender everything to your HH and rest in Him. To rest in Him means to trust Him and while waiting to do His will, to seek His will, to surrender as a vessel into the hands of the potter and to let God make you the woman He dreams of. Once He is pleased with what He sees, only then will you be restored.