but first 3 TESTIMONIES!
WARNING: Be sure to read this lesson ONLY IF you are currently Divorced AND your ex-husband has NOT remarried.
Women who do read the wrong lesson find themselves confused and begin applying principles that will make a marriage situation even worse rather than better.
"For where envy and self-seeking exist, CONFUSION and every evil thing." James 3:16 NKJV
Instead, remember “...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." —John 8:32.
If you're Husband has already Remarried—PLEASE click on that link to read that lesson ONLY.
Marriage Restored AFTER a Divorce!!!!
I had to e-mail you and tell you that my husband and I were remarried last Friday!! NEW RINGS and everything!!!!!
Glory to our God Who ALWAYS leads us to triumph in Christ Jesus! Our God is able to deliver us from the jaws of the lion; I am fully persuaded that our God is able to do that which He has promised!
Thank you for your daily encouragement and for the wisdom and counsel of God that you have sown into our lives through all your books, videos, website fellowship and the preparation that you have shared through the Word and your testimony to prepare me for the days ahead. I am excitedly experiencing and expecting that the latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former! Our God is a restorer of more than all we had before. God bless Restore Ministries richly! Our God is truly a Restorer of the ruins, a Repairer of the devastation of our generations!
~Faith in Nebraska, RESTORED
Marriage Restored After 5-Month Separation!
Thank you so much for being obedient and starting this ministry. It has truly helped me. All praises go to God our Father — my marriage was restored after only 5 months of separation!!! I put my wedding rings back on after I read the significance of them, but this time with the right focus of who I needed to focus on, Jesus!!!
Soon after completely letting go and making the Lord first, my husband called at 1 a.m., asking if I would have the garage door open, because he was on his way home!!!! It worked because now I am trusting God and applying the principles that I learned in all your books and videos!!!!
Thank you so much!!!!
~Kitty in Wisconsin, RESTORED
Amazing Successes to Restoration and Thereafter!
I was desperate for years before finding Restore Ministries — since 1995. I found you through another ministry that listed RMI as an alternative. I learned and read and reread "How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage." I realized that I had dishonored God by how my husband and our family was first. I was a true hypocrite because I was not a true lover of the Lord. That’s when I began to shut up. I wrote letters to all the people I had talked to and told them my own shortcomings and sins (not my husband because I knew my first love needed to be God and not impressing my husband). Instead of how I tore him down behind his back, I began to build my husband up in our daughter's eyes, and to encourage her to love her dad unconditionally.
I learned that all I ever needed was Jesus Christ. I also learned what a treasure my husband and family truly are (that God had given me, which I began to worship over the Lord). How true that you can win the whole world, but if the Lord is not first, then your family is not with you, it is a hollow fake existence.
Mostly, I realized not to deride nor ask questions of my husband and the reason was that it didn’t matter. I learned, through prayer, that God turned the situation the way He did to change me to wanting Him more. What a surprise that I did not have to beg, nor did I have to threaten, nor did I have to scream as I had been doing. I had to let go, be kind to everyone and pray (just talking and listening to God a LOT). There were very serious changes to make in me and God is still making serious life changes in me. Truthfully, I still have a long way to go.
As I started to change and my heart was clearly for Him, God turned the situation around. After my husband came back home, I had to visit the places and do the things he had done with her (the OW). I still was dying on the inside. It was very painful. Had I not had Be Encouraged videos, I would have cracked under the pressure.
I still have the videos, but most I have passed along to help other women (I began helping others which I believe had a lot to do with why things changed in my relationships). A "Wise Woman Builds Her House" workbook just found a new home two weeks ago with a woman who was tearing her house down. All of these resources were so needed by others! The videos and "How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage" were vital to my restoration. My advice — "Get as much as you can!"
My husband has been home a little over a year now. It has been very difficult because the tests are harder and why He had to refine me as He did. Ladies, do not give up. I praise God because my husband sleeps with his arms around me and holds my hands and constantly says he loves me. I praise God because there was a time when he never said those things. And the more I fall in love with the Lord, the more loving and affectionate my husband is to me just as Erin said he would.
Here is another exciting detail — I have been married for 25 years now and I used to beg my husband to read the Word of God with me. After I fell in love with the Lord, I saw it happening to him!! He now wakes me up sometimes, and often insists on reading the Bible and praying with me. Now we read and pray every morning since October!!! He reads and explains the Word to me, and then seven months later (after I stopped going to church) the Lord led my husband to church!! He has been going now one year!!! I give all of the glory to God. I can only thank God.
~Kelly in New York, RESTORED
So You're already Divorced—Don't Worry!
If you're still trusting God to restore your marriage AFTER a divorce it means that you've got a LOT of faith!
Instead of Fretting—Praise God!
Even though you don't feel like it, did you know there is a book and ministry based solely on how our lives can turn around in an instant if we praise God even for difficult and horrible things?
Begin right now to PRAISE GOD for everything. Stop and do it right now.
Time to Begin RENEWING your Mind
When women come to us at this stage, after a divorce has taken place, very often it's due to some pretty significant scripture violations that you were probably unaware of.
No time to waste—YOU CAN DO IT—NOW is the time for you to focus on Renewing your Mind!!
Romans 12:2 says
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
So, now first let's talk about the divorce. Whether you were the one who filed or your husband was the one, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is how much arguing and fighting went on because there are always consequences involved. This verse explains what you probably didn't know...
“Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison”—Matthew 5:25 NKJV
Interestingly, when a wife does NOT fight her husband in court but is agreeable and let's him go, often immediately after the divorce, the ex-husband realizes that he has made a HUGE mistake. If this is where you are, you are in a great place!
HOWEVER, if there was a huge divorce battle, you didn't let go, and you were not agreeable. If the divorce instead was full of arguing then it is serving to prove EXACTLY what your husband had hoped for—he used the divorce to rid himself of you—because you simply would not LET GO of him.
Are You Saying there is NO HOPE for me?
Actually, the fact that you ARE divorced means that YOU are in the best place of all. You should be ready to meet the Man of Your Dreams!
But first, let's focus on that ex-husband of yours.
Almost ALL of the men who leave or want to leave are stopped or chased and pursued by their wives AND their girlfriends! Men were not created to be chased but to be the one to chase and pursue women. Men were created as the hunters, not the hunted.
Just look at how all men have an obsession with sports and hobbies that captivate them.
But once our society began encouraging women to be the ones to pursue men, the more women began being treated as a harlot or prostitute would be treated—used and abused.
We know that GOD CREATED women to be a husband's helper and NOT his harlot. We want YOU to be cherished and NOT CHEATED on.
But that will never happen until you study HIS PLAN for the way a woman should be, and then work WITH Him in HIS makeover of you! Then get ready to step up to YOUR place of honor and get ready to be pursued!!!
"You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her HONOR as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered" —1 Peter 3:7
A BRAND NEW BRIDE
Now that you understand why it is so important that you let go of your ex-husband, let's pick up where we left off and focus a bit more about HIS PLAN for your life.
Jeremiah 29:11 says
"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and NOT for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'"
When we see that it is God's plan to allow a divorce to go through, we know His plan means that He wants to bless you with a brand new marriage! It means that His plan is to have your husband wanting to date you again, which means another proposal, and a brand new wedding ring!
But before your ex-husband is in the position to pop the question, he is going to have to see a NEW you. The one who he left, you will probably agree, was a contentious woman like almost all of us once were. But we were blessed because it took us going through losing our husbands, so that we could find our NEW Husband, and that's when our old husbands became jealous (because letting go and finding a new Lover of our souls got their attention) and when we were ready, our husbands discovered a NEW woman he wanted to pursue!!
This is God's plan, He wants to give you a Makeover, just as He did with Queen Esther.
Queen Esther versus Queen Vasti
When we first met the Lord, He first became our Savior. It wasn't until we lost our marriage that we realized we also became the Lord's bride, the church, who Jesus is coming back for. You may already know God refers all Christians as His bride. But one of the greatest discoveries we made is that we are to be His bride, not when we die, but now, right now!
And once you become His bride, you will glow and radiate His love. Once you are truly His bride you are instantly no longer needy or desperate. And believe it or not, a woman like that are men-magnets.
They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed.
That's why we have to be careful to share this principle and share it with only women who we believe will be encouraged by it and not abuse it. Too many women will begin to use this principle as a way of playing games with their husbands, or worse, they will use this magnetic approach to not allure their ex-husband, but find a new husband.
*Our ministry believes in restoration, and even more, that it is His intent that we feel and are treated as HIS BRIDE.
A woman who belongs to the Lord is also protected by Him. And this is what also stops abuse, since women who are needy and desperate are the ones at risk for every form of abuse.
Once you come to the place where you ARE His bride, you will soon be given the choice of wanting to remain His (the Lord's alone) or remarrying your ex-husband again. You'll find this in 1 Corinthians 7:11 that says "the wife must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband." We hope that above all else you will want HIS WILL and not your own. For only His will is going to bring you the perfect happiness you deserve!
Not convinced? Are you still unwilling to let go? What more does your husband have to do to...
Getting Away from You
Pretending that a divorce is not valid only means your divorce will eventually result in your husband remarrying again—as fast as he can! The same woman he would have come to despise, that other woman, is still looking better than someone who won't let go. If you had simply focused on the change God wanted to make in you— to turn you from a Vasti to a Queen Esther—things would have turned around by now.
What more can we say? If you continue pursuing and remain the contentious woman that won't let go, won't agree to move on (just move on with your life and get your God-ordained makeover), then trust us—your husband will stay with the other woman even though she is already “bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword” —Proverbs 5:4
We can't say it enough, you MUST let go NOW & get out of your ex-husband’s life! He needs an opportunity to see the adulteress woman for who she is and you need time too, for God to makeover the NEW YOU.
The contentious woman, YOU, needs to be gone and the new gentle and kind woman will then be there for your ex-husband to begin seeing in a whole new light!
Restoration only BEGINS when you understand that you must get out of your ex-husband’s life and fall in love with the Lord. If you must stay connected, due to your children, if they are old enough, let everything be done directly between them and their dad without you being anywhere around!
If your children are still young, then simply keep things as emotionally detached as possible. Being agreeable is the best way to stay away from court. If you can't get along NOW after being divorced, how can your ex-husband ever imagine wanting to get back with you? How??
“Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison”—Matthew 5:25 NKJV
Use your energy, time and effort you used to resist and/or fight to get your way —and re-channel it & use it to allow God to change you as you stay agreeable! Even to the point of not praying for him if he tells you not to!! If you pray for HIS WILL to be done, and mean it, you will be shocked by what God will do for honoring your husband and being agreeable!
As you probably have already noticed, our ministry is very successful at restoring marriages, due ONLY to us teaching the principles clearly laid out in the Bible.
All Christians should be equally as successful. Unfortunately very few people know about these principles!! Shocking but true!! Even pastors and Christian counselors choose psychology that brings about a quick fix, but later turn out completely disastrous!
We also need to warn you that the principles we share can actually be “too successful.” Some women mistakenly make wrong choices afterwards, as you will read in the many testimonies on these pages.
By following the principles we are sharing with you, as long as you do it with the right heart, I promise that your situation can turn around as dramatically and as quickly to the same degree as you embrace the principles.
If however, you are still being disagreeable with your husband, or anyone else in your life, or you're trying to play games, which proves this is not coming from a pure heart—then the results can be heartbreaking—much worse than they are now.
How much worse?
Loss of Custody
Our greatest concern after a divorce has gone through when you still refuse to learn how to be agreeable is that far too many fathers are now seeking custody of their minor-aged children! We believe that children should remain with their mother, you, but this often is not the case.
And battling it in court is not the answer either, far too many of the wrong set of parents end up with custody. GOD is the only One you can trust to fight for you!
The Love of Your Life
There is just one goal you must achieve to be able to walk away with the results you will find in the testimonies on this page. Just One! You must find the true Love of your life.
Sure, like most of us Jesus was either someone we’d heard of or someone who saved us, but what we found was the Abundant Life He died to give us—all because we found Him!
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly”—John 10:10
And once you find Him you will see how He changes the way you look, your priorities, AND He will make being around you something your husband will want more and more!
Men want to do the pursuing, it’s in their nature. And nothing makes a woman more attractive to a man than when she is not interested. But it can’t be fake, a game, but even when it is, it works. Doesn't it?
Who of us didn’t play the game of finding someone else to make our boyfriend jealous? But finding the Lord as the Love of your Life is no game—we simply do not advocate playing games, ever.
Instead, it is our one and only goal to help each and every woman find and embrace this Person in your life because not having Him takes away our security and makes us vulnerable to be left, abandoned, used and abused.
Women used to be the ones chased and pursued. No more. And now because women are so desperate, men know they can leave and find someone else just as willing and desperate as the woman he left, you. Women who are desperate will eventually be mistreated, cheated on, and left for someone new.
The answer is not to turn around and be running from one guy to another! Women were not created to act that way and they are destroyed by it—no matter what Hollywood and movies or how television writes the script.
Instead, women were created to want security and faithfulness in a man. But women will never find exactly what she needs and desires—the storybook kind of love and happily-ever-after movie kind of love in a mere mortal.
Instead, understanding and experiencing the full measure of the Lord’s love is the only thing that will ever satisfy you AND also put you in the pursued/chased category (pursued by other men and your husband!).
“Wow, I have to say your methods really work, but thankfully I knew instantly what was happening when the weirdest thing happened. Right after I fell head over heels for the Lord (who now is the most important person in my life and I can’t get enough of Him!!) I was at the beach with my four children. Would you believe the lifeguard hit on ME?!?! Okay I have lost lots of weight since my husband left me but come on there were dozens of younger & prettier girls around who were actually coming up to him. These girls even started playing volleyball right in front of him trying to get his attention. It made me feel horrible for those poor girls cuz I could sooooo relate.
But anyway... I know this young lifeguard could see that glow in me you spoke about and also that he could tell that I wasn’t interested in him at all and that’s what made me interesting to him. Eventually I made the kids pack up and we moved down the beach. What a problem to have. lol it’s nuts lol. Funniest part is that my kids told their dad what happened and I could really see that he was jealous. I didn’t think to tell them not to. My husband lives with his girlfriend and used to talk about filing for divorce but now says it is her idea (meaning the ow) and he’s not going to marry her like she thinks he is. I actually started to feel sorry for her. Guess that’s it. I just wanted to let you know how much falling in love with the Lord has done for me. I am so happy and at peace. Thank you for all you’ve done and I’m sending you blessings for your good work.”
Testimony: A GUY AT CHURCH
“I hesitated writing to you with my testimony because I was afraid you all might get the wrong idea about me. But rather than worry, I just wanted other women to know what finding the lover of my life, his name being Jesus, and what He has done right in the middle of what had become a nasty divorce battle over everything...our kids, our stuff...everything that usually happens when someone has cheated on you. I never cheated and never would but that is probably why my hubby never cherished me at all. But like you said what man is able to be really good to you anyway. So in my pain I found God in an amazing way. It was nothing like what I found in church even though I went all the time and to bible studies and prayer groups. I found Him at home after the children went to bed and when I couldn’t sleep cuz I knew my husband was sleeping with her! I couldn't sleep so early in the morning I got up and made coffee before my kids woke up, and I started my day with Him. And it wasn't a feeling like "bam" I was in love with the Lord...but a slowly falling in love as I felt more and more of His love and protection for me. But the reason I am writing is to tell you that everything about me, my face and attitude, have changed...and everyone keeps telling me that.
But so did this guy at my church. It was a married man though, horrible. Right away I want to assure you I didn’t fall for it and would have told him off right away but I kept thinking I was imagining it and if I said anything he’d say “are you kidding me” so I didn’t until I was sure. But he was coming on to me and here is the craziest part, this guy's wife is gorgeous! And even though I lost a lot of weight...I am not up to that level. I know she used to model and even when I was at my best before my kids came along, I was not all that attractive, lol. So I know right away it’s because my face has to be glowing and my not wanting any guy, not being interested when he was flirting with me... is also what was attracting him. It's all because I have this great guy Jesus in my life....it’s like this strong men magnet, lol. It’s so funny and sad too because I was like every other girl who was desperate and who was used and abused (boyfriends even physically hit me and I still stayed around...not my husband...he didn’t hit me, thank God). And whether my husband comes back or not, none of it bothers me, but it bothers my husband now, but I am not bothered because I know I will always be happy as long as I have God in my life like I have Him now. I just wrote to let other women know it’s what you’re missing in your life. Jesus is what you’re missing.”
The danger with our principles is that it can put a woman in the place of possibly being deceived into thinking that when other men begin to pay attention to them, God’s plan is that He has someone else out there for her instead of her husband. This is not true. First Corinthians 7 verse 11 says (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband).
Sadly we have seen women do everything right, and then fall into that trap of thinking that the new man who’s interested in her is God’s plan. It’s not.
Here’s another testimony of what happened to one of our young women early on in our ministry.
Like the other woman Sandy* (not her real name) came to one of our fellowship meetings desperate to have her marriage restored. Over the weeks we began to see her falling for the Lord, but wasn’t quite there to making Him the “Love of her Life.”
We didn’t know that she was in an abusive situation and feared the safety of her daughter (even though the fear was unfounded since he never abused his daughter. It was Sandy and her contentiousness he fought and how she belittled him). We never realized that Sandy's goal was not really restoration, but finding someone new.
The entire summer she seemed happy and had changed. It was at the end of the summer that we found out that not only was her husband interested in her again (he had filed for divorce but dropped it) but so was a guy from the singles group at their church.
Sandy never shared she was actually going out with the new guy from church until she announced that she had agreed to marry him! Four of our leadership team spoke to her, sharing the verses against remarriage, but it was then that she told us about her husband’s (previous) abuse. We asked if the abuse had continued since she had changed and was exhibiting the “gentle and quiet spirit” rather than the contentious woman we had seen come in through the doors that spring. She said that her husband, soon to be her ex (she had filed this time), had been nothing but kind. But she said she didn’t want the abuse to start again once they were remarried. She also said that she was sure that this man from the singles group was sent to her from God.
Nothing we could do would persuade her and eventually she stopped coming to our fellowship meetings. We heard that she had married the new man, and that she had a baby boy about a year later. In our meetings we had some women begin to question if we were right about what we shared with Sandy, using the fact how she was now "happily married" to prove that we were clearly wrong.
It was close to four years later that one of our leadership team was at a McDonald's with her own children. She thought she recognized the little girl playing but couldn’t place her. She looked over at her mother who was holding a baby on her lap but she didn’t look like anyone she knew. Then the young mother spotted our leader and when she called her daughter’s name she knew it was the woman from our group who had remarried the “wonderful guy” from the singles group against our advice and warning.
Our leader attempted to approach the young mother but she was not interested and almost ran to her car. We found out from another woman (who remained friends) why she ran off. What had happened.
Not too long after Sandy remarried she realized that her new husband had an anger issue even worse than her first husband! It was while she was pregnant that the abuse began and it was so much worse than her first husband she actually called the police and had a restraining order. Her friend told us that Sandy had even spent time in a shelter and was now living back home with her parents, even though it was not a "good situation" either.
We tried to reach out to Sandy but she was too embarrassed (and why she ran off when she saw our leader). What made her embarrassment worse was that we found out her first husband had remarried a friend of hers. So she figured God had given up on her and there was no point in coming to our meetings.
I am sure you would agree that there is nothing more sad than this story. There are many morals to the story that we could take away from it. The one we want to focus on is that God does NOT have anyone better out there for you. Each of us believed when we first got married that things would go well, only to be mistaken, right? With the next marriage it will be worse!
Here is another testimony that will encourage you to allow God to change you through His love and by letting go and becoming faithful to Him!!
In the lesson to women whose ex husband remarries, we ask the question WHY did their marriage not only end in divorce, but WHY did your ex-husband (run off) and remarry?
This is what we want to begin to focus on. So if you are able to RENEW your mind with the principles in this section of lessons, then you will never be able to imagine just how fast your restoration could turn around!
If you're ready, let's get started. It may seem brutal, but if you hang in there, you're on your way to a restoration like no other!! Here we go...
From years of ministering to women (and men) and having a front row seat to what goes on and how marriages that come to us when they are separated move to divorce, and the ones who are divorced end up having spouses who remarry, there is one common threat that runs throughout this pattern.
It's all due to failing to LET GO of their marriage and husband, then later the ex husband. AND the main reason has nothing at all to do with your husband, it's due to you NOT hanging onto GOD—the LORD is not FIRST in your life. You may believe He is but your fruits say otherwise.
Not letting go is also continuing to act as if you are married when it comes to intimacy. There is no better way to prevent restoration than to sleep with an ex husband.
Here is a RESTORED Marriage Testimony from Zandra in Georgia, that will help encourage you to refrain from intimacy while you are divorced.
You'll Know by Their Fruits
Matt. 7:15-20 tells us, "You will know them by their fruits." What has been the fruit of your standing, pursuing and not letting your husband go so far? Are you any closer to restoration?
What are the fruits of you continuing to act as if you're still married when you're not? Maybe being intimate with your ex and though he speaks of leaving the OW and remarrying you, his promises never happen—are you prepared to live this way?
More about Intimacy
As soon as you begin to change, replacing the contentious woman with having a gentle and quiet spirit, and also have let go of your husband, you will begin seeing Good Fruits. Soon things will begin to turn around to the point that your ex husband will probably begin wanting to be intimate with you again. The absolute worst thing you can do is to pretend you are still married and sleep with your ex husband.
When my husband left me, and after a year told me he was being pressed by the other woman to divorce me, I sought God who told me it would, in fact, go through. He assured me, however, that it was necessary in order for the testimony. Soon afterwards He began to prepare me for the "change" in my situation. Once I began changing, our intimacy had started again even though we were separated and he was living with the other woman. But the Lord told me that once the divorce did go through, that for us to be intimate again would be just like any two people who were not married—it would be wrong!
My struggle began to know whether or not to warn him how things would change, but I knew that he would see it as a tactic to make him stop the divorce, so I followed the principle in Proverbs 17:28, "Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent."
Because I did not attend the divorce hearing, but "lost" by default, I wasn't sure that the divorce had gone through, so a day or two after the court date, I asked my husband if it had been granted. When he said it had, I knew that I was NOT to be intimate with him again, not until we were once again legally married. It was not about pleasing my husband, or ex husband, but pleasing God.
Reasoning that we were "married in God's eye" is a trap from the pit of hell. Many women who are used and abused, who never legally marry, use the same lies—women who are horribly hurt by it. I knew God wanted to protect me and that I belonged to my heavenly Father, who would not want me to be used. He would want me to remain pure and wait for Him to turn my ex husband's heart back to me and marry me again.
So later that same day my ex husband began to get cozy with me, which is when I knew I would have to speak up. I moved away from him and told him that since we were no longer legally married we could no longer be intimate. At first he thought I was kidding, but when he realized I was serious, my ex husband began quoting scripture about us being "one flesh." However, I told him that legally we were not married and that I needed to obey that law, just as if it were before we ever married.
Resigned to this, he said he would respect my decision but proceeded to begin kissing me. I pulled away letting him know to STOP before things went too far, it might be okay for him because he had someone back at his apartment waiting to be intimate with him (the OW) but for me I had no one. That to get too passionate would be too difficult so that only a quick kiss hello and goodbye is what we would need to do from now on.
Yes, that's when he stormed out, just like any teenage boy would whose girlfriend wouldn't have sex with him, but I knew this was part of God's plan to restore me. I remembered my grandmother who used to say "men won't buy the cow when they can get free milk." I wanted to be married again, and not just become an adulteress like the OW, so I just wouldn't give it. But guess what? This is when my ex husband began to pursue me!! He began being so sweet, I'm sure to get me back in bed with him, but I wouldn't budge from my commitment to remain pure and wait until we were married again.
It took less than a week of him pursuing me with loving comments, gifts and every manner to win me over before he stated: "Divorcing you was the WORST mistake of my life!!" Had I continued to sleep with him I doubt I would ever have heard those words! From that point on he also began to loath the other woman. He told me that sex with her was horrible and strained. Eventually he began sleeping on the coach. This intensified his desires for me, and now he keeps telling me how much he regrets divorcing me. I just love hearing that!! Sure, he could have started looking or sleeping with other women, but when a man wants something he can't have, it's in his nature to want it even more.
What if you've already slept with your ex husband?
Like everything else, it's never too late in God's eyes to begin to honor Him and His word. Begin right where you are now to follow the truth of His word that says the "truth will set you free." Be truthful and acknowledge that you are no longer legally married; therefore, to be intimate with any man is wrong.
Let your ex husband know your new found conviction, and then just make very sure you never get yourself in the situation of it happening. Stay away from passionate kissing and even when he's not around (or when he is) don't watch movies that will ignite that passion in you. During the time when I refrained from intimacy, I was also fasting a lot, which helped kill the fleshly desires. But what helped the most was not kissing or getting too close to him, which is what made my ex husband want me even more!
"Thank you, thank you, thank you. I did what you said and soon afterwards my ex wanted to sleep with me. But because I wanted to honor God and His word, I told him that I was so sorry that I just couldn't. Like you said he tried everything, then one day sat on the end of my bed and just wept uncontrollably. I stayed back not wanting to comfort him because it could have resulted in us being intimate and I knew it. This made him even sadder and he began cursing the other women who he said made him divorce me. I'm not sure if that's true, but since that day he keeps talking about how he is leaving the other woman and we talk of wedding plans!! He wants to take me on the honeymoon we never had all because he is missing this part of our life together as husband and wife!! You were right—it's like a brand new beginning. When he first started to talk about remarrying, it was just going to the courthouse to make it legal again. Now he wants us to have a nice wedding with our kids, friends and his family. Wow, doing things the right way, God's way, is full of blessings I would never have imagined!!!"
Judy in Wisconsin
Dearest Erin, As you, and everyone else knows from my Bio, I fell into this same trap of sleeping with my ex-husband after listening to that tape: "Sex and the Stander" when he started coming around again---and then he soon left me again for another woman. I hope everyone learns from this huge mistake I made. I personally believe the only way to prevent this trap of the enemy is by applying the principle of "letting go" and the "holding on" to the Lord and taking Him as your Husband.
This topic (letting go) and the pitfalls of longing for "forbidden fruit" could easily be a chapter in itself as there are so many testimonies that validate this principle when followed or when ignored. Bless you for sharing these profound truths to help save us from destruction. I only wish I had known and followed this before, if I had I am sure I would not still be waiting for restoration, it would have happened already!
If you come from a "standers" background, I would encourage you to click on Helen's name and read through her bio and also previous Encouragers to learn about the pitfalls of their unbiblical tactics. Helen is very transparent regarding how they don't work and how you will remain a "stander" forever.
And because intimacy is a difficult topic, it is also covered in our Q&A book when women are divorced from their husbands.
QUESTION: The divorce went through so, obviously, intimacy is not going to happen?
ANSWER: If the divorce has gone through intimacy is forbidden UNLESS you want to remain divorced. If you want to remarry your ex then you will need to do what is right so that God will honor you and you honor Him.
QUESTION: [State: California. Current Marital Status: divorced.] My husband and I divorced but got back together (I with my contentious attitude tore my house down). I left and later realized my mistake, but it was too late, he didn’t want me back. After reading your book and workbook God began to move, we have started seeing and talking to each other. Now I am pregnant and he is upset and angry and wishes we never began talking again. What do I do now? Do I stay away and let him cool off or still be a wife to him? He even wants me to abort.
ANSWER: You need to give him time by staying apart for a while. Pray that the Lord will turn his heart back toward you and the baby. You mentioned being divorced, then back together. Did you remarry, or were you still divorced when you became intimate again? In the book I’m sure you read that once a divorce has occurred, you should not be intimate. When a judge rules that you are no longer married, we must obey, “Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God” (Rom. 13:1). I have seen a lot of tragedy when this has been violated. There are consequences for violations of God’s Word even if it was done in ignorance. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hos. 4:6).
If you were intimate while you were divorced, you must repent before the Lord. Then pray for an opportunity to repent to your husband. Remember when talking to him, to agree with ANYTHING he says, or keep silent. (Matt. 5:25) If he asks you about getting an abortion again, tell him that you will have to pray about it. THEN PRAY!! However, since you are no longer married, you are not REQUIRED to be subject. When your husband divorced you, then he lost the privilege, so the baby is in no danger.
When a wife has a desire to restore her marriage, she WILLINGLY submits to her husband. It is her choice to do so as an example of her faith that her marriage will be restored. This is what I did. However, if I was asked to sin against God, as you are being asked to do, I would not have willingly submitted to it. However, a woman who is married must be subject in ALL things, trusting in the Lord that He will faithfully deliver her—because He IS faithful!!! “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24). Even if our husbands are disobedient to the word as Abraham was. “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior . . .Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:1–2, 6).
QUESTION: My husband divorced me in July. Before we were divorced he and I were still intimate. I wondered if I should reject him should he come to me for intimacy now. I am confused about it because the scripture says “we are joined until death” but then there is the divorce on paper by mankind. Which supersedes the other? In my heart I don’t feel divorced from him but I’m sure that is how every woman feels. I worry about his desires getting the best of him because he said he wanted to get a vasectomy so he doesn’t slip up and have another baby. I know he’s dating and I’m sure she’s putting pressure on him to be intimate. What would you recommend I pray about him, her and me concerning this situation?
ANSWER: If you have the women’s restoration book, you can find the answer at the end of the first chapter. Basically, the Scriptures are clear that God sees us as one flesh, but He also tells us that we are under the law for our protection. The law has said that you are divorced; therefore, legally you are no longer married.
Jesus followed the law by paying taxes and allowing Himself to be captured and persecuted. He did not place Himself above the law; we can do no less.
“Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath upon the one who practices evil” (Rom. 13:1-4).
Another recent testimony concerning letting go:
"Your method works!! As soon as I announced that I was actually relieved about the divorce (I actually said the word "relieved") and emphasized that I was "so happy for him" his face said it all. He was shocked! I was not the one holding him back from his new life any more. I stopped begging, crying, pleading with him. That was the first time he did not try to get away from me... his pathetic wife that I turned into!! That day he actually sat back down wanting to stay a while.
But as you said, making it short if possible was safest, so I happily stood up and said I had an appointment (I planned to go park somewhere quiet to thank God for helping me!!). I smiled and left him sitting on our couch! This was the first time I walked out on him. No I am not playing games. I just know that I need to get out of his way and I will be fine living happily ever after with the Lord who I know won't ever leave me. What's exciting is that what you said worked. It really worked!! I know there is lots more up ahead but I am just so encouraged by this change!!
I do want His will and not mine any more. But I just had to write to all of you out there who have been resisting this divorce thing and are as scared as I was about him filing. Don't be. If you tell God He is everything and you trust Him and then get out of the way and let your husband go, everything will turn around.
So far I haven't heard anymore about the divorce from my husband. Instead he calls me all the time and I only pick up half of the time. I want to show him the freedom he said he wanted. But like you said, now that he has what he wants it's not what he thought it would be.
Thank you thank you thank you."
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"Just writing to tell you it works it works it works!!??!! Yes I am still in shock because at first it seemed to backfire on me. I am not sure but I think it was because I was scared and my husband could sense it. So he seemed relieved that I said I was okay with the divorce and I thought I had blown it big time.
My biggest battle was not going back to pleading or begging him. I finally put my cell phone in the car so I wouldn't be tempted to quickly call him back and after that night I realized that I would not go back to getting in his way. Heck if that's what would make him happy I wanted him to be happy. I didn't want him to be stuck with me; who wants that.
It's probably why things changed after that. When he came to get his things from the house my heart was more settled and I was able to trust God more. So when the divorce came up again this time when he was leaving from dropping off the kids I responded enthusiastically, letting him know how happy I was for him and also how excited I was about all the plans I had for MY future (though I didn’t say what those plans were, or who they were with, just a “feeling I had” was all I said). That’s when I saw it. He didn't really want to get rid of me he just wanted to be free from the maniac I had become. I fit all the characteristics of the contentious woman in your book that's for sure.
That afternoon I knew this was the route I would take forever. Letting go was the way and not resisting, but getting enthusiastic about the divorce. Sure, it could go through, most do. But I will never have a chance for a happy future if he is relieved to get rid of me, right?
Each time my husband came by or called (which he never did before but he began doing ever since that afternoon), I got more and more enthusiastic about the divorce and my new life and his new life and he could tell it was real. To me if it means going through the divorce for him to realize and feel free to come back to me then that is fine with me. I have the Lord now which is awesome. And if the divorce happens then I may or may not accept his proposal, lol lol lol. This sure beats crying in my pillow every night."
We are not suggesting that you go from not wanting divorce to you pursing for divorce. Our goal is to move from fearing it and resisting it to trusting God and getting out of your husband's way.
Our method works so well that we have found too often that women go to the other extreme. Even as far as to file for divorce once their husband drops it. This is not what we are advocating. God hates divorce and He never changes!
Yet He does give us the choice.
To fully understand all that God teaches us about marriage, separation and letting the unbelieving spouse leave, it would be a good idea to read the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 every day this week and mark particular passages that I will explain below.
CLICK HERE to read 1 Corinthians 7.
1. If your husband consents to remain with you (which is going to happen if you follow the principles of not resisting divorce and find that Love of your life), you must not send him away, but consent to live with him.
verse 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.
2. While you were still married then as verse 4-5 explains below you must continue to be intimate at your husband's request.
verse 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
verse 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time
3. If God chooses to allow the divorce to go through, then be VERY SURE to refrain from intimacy afterwards! For most men this is extremely hard since this is when many husbands realize their mistakes and will plead to get their wife back. But restoration only works when you follow this verse while you are still legally married and then refrain from intimacy afterwards. If you do, a proposal will soon follow, guaranteed.
4. Never leave your husband, which can happen once he wants you back and you have since found the Lord and He becomes the love of your life.
verse 10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband.
5. Understand that once you are free from fear and possibly your marriage you are never free to remarry. Your only choice is to be reconciled to your husband, which we strongly suggest you allow God to do especially if you have minor-aged children from this marriage.
verse 11 (she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband)
A woman from California wrote to me about restoring her marriage. Things were progressing very nicely and both she and I were hopeful that her marriage soon would be restored. However, one day she heard, through a friend, that her husband had married the other woman. Despondent, she wrote to me, "What now?" I shared with her much of what you have just read. She wrote back and thanked me. She said that once she became content with God's apparent will for her life, and she gave up her will for His, she was now at peace and content to live a single life, never to marry (she was in her early thirties).
Within a year, she wrote to me that her former husband had contacted her. He said that he realized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life! That he had already separated from the new wife and was filing for divorce. He wanted to know if she would consider dating him again or would she only consider it after he was legally divorced. He told her that it was his intent to marry her again if she would have him! She wasn't flattered or gushing, INSTEAD she asked him NOT contact her again since he was a married man. A few months later he contacted her again, saying that his divorce was final, and he began asking her again and again about dating him. Eventually he won her over and they were remarried and are expecting their first child.
I have shared the principle of COMPLETELY letting a husband go to every woman who comes to us for help. Being even bolder with those whose husbands have remarried. So far all but one rejected the principle—All that is except this ONE woman who now has a restored marriage. This ONE woman had never been to a Covenant-based ministry. She never heard of "covenant" marriages, a term that was coined from the one Scripture in Malachi. In our ministry, we have never seen one man or one woman return after a remarriage, save this ONE only. But again, let me emphasis, this was the only woman who ever followed this radical principle for a radical result!
Once left alone, her former husband was able to feel the full impact of his wrong decision when he married the other woman. He had not seen or heard from his former wife during their entire separation, but had to track her down to find her (they had no children). I say this to those who are afraid to let go, for fear that God is unable to bring a person back once they are free to leave and not be pursued.
The other reason this worked is because it is the nature of a man to pursue and pursue harder what he believes he cannot have! Women and even young girls are now the ones who do the pursuing and are mistreated and abused because of it! It is unnatural. Think of sports, hunting and the competitiveness of men. They love a challenge and quickly lose interest, moving on to the next challenge.
Why don't YOU be your husband's challenge? Be the thing he pursues—but don't play games! Instead, pursue GOD, not being more religious, but in a fulfilling relationship that will make you GLOW as He changes you from the INSIDE out! And once your makeover is complete, I promise that your husband will hear about it even if you try to keep it a secret. God will orchestrate HIS REVEAL at the perfect moment that you are at your most radiant, and after the other woman has become bitter and cutting.
Proverbs 5:3-4 "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword."
Psalm 34:5 "They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."
Can I Remarry?
NO! 1 Corinthians 7:39 is very clear, "A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord."
Over the years we have had many women who were unable to let go of their husbands, in their heart, and it led to them remarrying someone new. Feeling as if they failed, they gave up thinking about restoration and found someone new to marry.
The first email always comes to our ministry letting us know just how happy the woman is after they remarry someone new. It basically starts out with telling us how WRONG we were for our firm beliefs against remarrying. Then, within months, but normally about a year into the new marriage, these same women write DESPERATE for help and who write pages and pages of repentance, asking us what she can do now.
It's then she realized her mistakes, and in the greatest majority these are the women who so faithfully support our ministry financially! Imagine that!! They are so miserable in their remarriage and want desperately to support a ministry that speaks the truth. Because these new husbands are actually "good men" these women can't bring themselves to speak or minister about their mistakes. They ask us to speak the truth boldly and to ask that YOU minister on their behalf before you make the same mistake.
Understanding the Principles of Wedding Rings
Whether to Wear Your Wedding Rings
Whether or not to wear your wedding rings is fairly significant in regard to your restoration.
In this Wedding Rings LESSON, we hope to clear up whether or not you should be wearing your wedding rings— and to know what to do. THEN be sure to come back here and:
“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win”— 1 Corinthians 9:24