Chapter 4 "Kindness Is on Her Tongue"

“She opens her mouth with wisdom
and the law of kindness is on her tongue.”
Proverbs 31:26 KJV.

Speech is one of the most important aspects of marriage and of demonstrating the characteristics of a godly woman. Satan has again deceived us in the world today; “counselors” and “marriage experts” tell us that it is a lack of communication that destroys. When searching the Scriptures, what do you find that God has to say about our speech? Follow me as, together, we discover the Truth:

It' s not a lack of communication! We are to watch how much we say!

Many words. Not only is it not a lack of communication that causes problems, but when there is a lot of talking and discussing, transgression (violating God’s Laws) cannot be avoided. “With many words transgression is unavoidable.” Prov. 10:19.

Keep silent. Others tell us to speak our minds and share what we think, but God says: “A man of understanding keeps silent.” Prov. 11:12. “One who guards his mouth preserves his life; one who opens it comes to ruin.” Prov. 13:3.

Close your lips. Actually, God says that we practice wisdom and appear wise when we say nothing. “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise. When he closes his lips he is counted as prudent.” Prov. 17:28. “But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’ - anything beyond these is of evil.” Matt. 5:37.

Without a word. God speaks directly to women: “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” 1Pet. 3:1-2. “Let the woman keep silent in the churches.” 1Cor. 14:34.

Gentle and quiet spirit. God finds the quiet woman precious to Him. Is this you? “…with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” 1Pet. 3:4. “Guard what has been entrusted to you, avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing arguments of what is falsely called ‘knowledge’ - which some have professed and thus gone astray from the faith.” 1Tim 6:20.

God tells us to be careful about what we say!

Guard your mouth. How many times have you gotten into trouble with the words you have spoken? “The mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, but the perverted tongue will be cut out.” Prov. 10:31. “There is one who speaks rashly like thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Prov. 12:18. “He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from trouble.” Prov. 21:23.

What proceeds out of your mouth? This statement is clear. What you say is very important. “For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned.” Matt. 12:37. “It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.” Matt. 15:11. “…put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech….” Col. 3:8.

Give attention to your words. This Scripture describes two types of wives. Which one are you? “An excellent wife is a crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.” Prov. 12:4. “He who gives attention to the word shall find good.” Prov. 16:20.

Sweetness of speech. If you have shamed your husband in what you have said (to or about him) or in your attitude toward him, God is faithful to offer a cure. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up bones.” Prov. 17:22. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Prov. 16:24. “Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” Prov. 16:21.

Righteous lips. Is there anyone who doesn’t appreciate a kind word? “Righteous lips are the delight of kings, and he who speaks right is loved.” Prov. 16:13. “Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord.” Eph. 5:19.

Do away with childish things. Have you matured? Or are you still a child who says things that hurt others? One of the biggest lies we learned as children was Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. We probably still have not recovered from some of the words spoken to us when we were children. “When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” 1Cor. 13:11.

Arguments and strife are NOT good for any marriage!

Abandon the quarrel. The definition of strife is a prolonged struggle for power or superiority. “Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it, than a house full of feasting with strife.” Prov. 17:1. (A house that has loud and unruly children is anything but quiet. Be sure your children are quiet and under your control! See lesson 14, “Your Mother’s Teachings.”) “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” Prov. 17:14. “A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows.” Prov. 18:6.

Are you well content? “Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2Cor. 12:10. This verse seems so incredibly unattainable, but it is something we must strive toward. Let’s move through some other verses along with their practical applications….

Rejoice always. The first step to victory is to thank the Lord for every adversity. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” Phil. 4:4. Keep thanking Him either in your mind or out loud, depending on the circumstance.

Offended. “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a castle.” Prov. 18:19. Please don’t allow yourself to become offended by something that is said to you or how it is said; instead listen with an open heart.

Don’t answer before you hear. “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” Prov. 18:13. When you interrupt someone who is speaking to you, tempers usually rise! Again, listen to those who take the time to speak to you, always listening for the Truth.

The Truth shall make you free. “…and you shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free.” John 8:32. Sometimes it is difficult to admit the Truth to ourselves and especially to someone else. But once you try it, you will agree that it is the most freeing experience on earth! Don’t fear speaking the truth about yourself; just do it!

Agree with thine adversary quickly. Agree with your husband and others, especially when they are angry. “Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him….” Prov. 20:3. “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.” Matt. 5:25 KJV. Usually the one who is angry is ranting and raving about something that is true or has some basis of truth in it. When you are humble enough to agree with another person, especially when that person is out of control, you are reaching spiritual maturity.

Go another mile. After you have agreed with the other person, there is another step; you must add to the insult or criticism. “But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two.” Matt. 5:39-41. This addition to the insult or criticism also must be in the form of a compliment to the accuser. “…not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” 1Pet. 3:9.

This may seem impossible or too incredible to believe; however, I am not the only woman who has had to walk this walk. Many of our husbands were living with other women at the time, as well. Hopefully, this will encourage you. You must believe that you can do what the Scriptures are asking, no matter how you may feel.

Confess our sins. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1John 1:9. Confession is good for the soul; it works out the sanctification of our salvation. “So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling….” Phil. 2:12.

Eliminate constant friction. Is there constant friction in your home? “Deeds of the flesh are evident… strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, envying….” Gal. 5:19-21. “If any one advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions, and constant friction between men of depraved mind and deprived of the Truth….” 1Tim. 6:3-5.

Not argumentative. “But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged.” 2 Tim. 2:23. “Urge bondslaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative.” Titus 2:9.

Slow to anger. You have heard some say that, since Jesus was angry and turned over the tables in the temple, we can be angry. But the Scriptures say, “But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20.

Two of you agree. You must try to find the area of agreement instead of the point of disagreement. “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.” Matt. 18:19.

God is very specific about how we are to answer!

Do you ponder how to answer? When anger or wrath is directed toward us, God tells us the response we must make in order to glorify Him as Christians. “ A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” Prov. 15:1. “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” Prov. 15:28.

Do you answer before you hear? How many times have you jumped in before you heard what the other person was saying? “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” Prov. 18:13. “By forbearance [a proper facial expression] a ruler may be persuaded and a soft tongue breaks the bone.” Prov. 25:15. (Or “soft answer” in the KJV.)

Be content  - NEVER murmur nor complain!

Without murmuring or disputing. Even if we don’t continue to fight with the other person, we may continue to murmur or dispute under our breath or behind the other person’s back. “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.” Prov. 26:20. “Do all things without grumbling or disputing.” (“Murmuring or disputing” in the KJV.) Phil. 2:14.

Learn to be content. “Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.” Phil. 4:1. “…being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.’ ” Heb. 13:5. (My late Grandma Brown was a woman who demonstrated this fruit of contentment. No matter what she was doing, scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees or doing her handiwork, she was happy. She never complained. She said she never thought about where she would rather be nor what she would rather be doing.) “But godliness is actually a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment.” 1Tim. 6:6.

Do not crush the spirit. Proverbs also tells us what our speech can do to our husbands’ spirits. “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.” Prov. 15:4. The definition of perversion is “obstinate.”

Your tongue: small, yet deadly!

Set on fire by hell. “So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.” James 3:5-6.

Both blessing and cursing. “But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father; and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water?” James 3:8-11. But thank the Lord that “Nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37.

Guard my mouth as with a muzzle. Here is a sobering thought: “Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold O Lord, Thou dost know it all.” Ps. 139:4. “I said, ‘I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle.’ ” Ps. 39:1.

What does God think of a lying tongue?

An abomination to Him. We have no idea how our lying can affect our testimonies as believers. “A soothing tongue is a tree of life but perversion in it crushes the spirit.” Prov. 15:4. “There are six things which the Lord hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue….” Prov. 6:16-17.

Six things which the Lord hates. Let’s continue to read more verses in Proverbs which tell us more about lying. “There are six things which the Lord hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue and hands that shed innocent blood….” Prov. 6:16-18. Most of us are pro-life; yet, have we taken the time to see what this verse is saying to us? God not only hates lying and thinks it’s an abomination, but He also compares a liar to an abortionist! “Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue.” Ps. 120:2.

The father of lies. We never want to lie since the devil is the father of lies! “You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies.” John 8:44.

What does speech have to do with abuse?

Calls for blows. How many times have we actually egged our husbands on with our cruel words or cutting remarks? “A babbling fool will be thrown down.” Prov. 10:8. “A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows.” Prov. 18:6.

Guards his mouth. “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” Prov. 13:3. When you are quick to judge, belittle and challenge your husband, you may be headed for blows. Instead, be silent. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1.

To sum up:

  1. Watch how much you say - with many words transgression is unavoidable. Instead, let your communication be “Yes, yes” or “No, no” - anything more than this will lead to evil.
  2. Be careful what you say - by your words you’ll be justified and by your words you’ll be condemned! Wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that when they are disobedient to the Word, they may be changed without a word by your chaste and respectful behavior.
  3. If healing is needed, remember a joyful heart is good medicine, pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones, and sweetness of speech adds persuasiveness.
  4. Do not argue - agree with your adversary quickly!
  5. Think before you answer. Give a gentle answer, ponder (think a while) how you should answer, and don’t answer before you listen, because it is folly and shame!
  6. Take the time to learn to be content. Contentment is a learned attribute. You must learn to be content in whatever circumstances you are in.
  7. Walking in the Spirit. Whatever is easy for us to do in the flesh, is of the flesh. Whatever is difficult to do and requires us to draw on the Holy Spirit’s strength, is walking in the Spirit. “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh… these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” Gal. 5:16-17.

Let us all first strive to appear wise by keeping silent.

Next let us make sure that when we do open our mouths

it is with wisdom, in kindness, and for edification.

Let our words be sweet and gentle.

Let us be a “crown” to our husbands and

“precious” in the sight of God.


May God be with you as you strive to be more like Christ!


Personal commitment: To open my mouth with wisdom and kindness. “Based on what I have learned from God's Word, I commit to remain quiet, to wait before I answer, and to be sweet in all my words.”

If you are ready to make a commitment to GOD to finish the course, by CLICKING HERE you've agreed, and are ready to document this next step along your Restoration Journey in your "My Daily Journal" form. Take your time, sit down, grab your coffee or tea, and pour your heart into your Journal. 

As an “Older women likewise…teaching what is good, that they may ENCOURAGE the young women…” (Titus 2:3) you will have the opportunity to speak to the younger women who are still single as part of your ministry.

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