Bonus Lesson Intimacy

Day 8
Divorced

Bonus Lesson
Intimacy

These testimonies will encourage you to allow God to change you through His love and by letting go and becoming faithful to Him!!

In the lesson to women whose ex husband remarries, we ask the question WHY did their marriage not only end in divorce, but WHY did your ex-husband (run off) and remarry?

This is what we want to begin to focus on. So if you are able to RENEW your mind with the principles in this section of lessons, then you will never be able to imagine just how fast your restoration could turn around!

If you're ready, let's get started. It may seem brutal, but if you hang in there, you're on your way to a restoration like no other!! Here we go...

From years of ministering to women (and men) and having a front row seat to what goes on and how marriages that come to us when they are separated move to divorce, and the ones who are divorced [or annulled] end up having spouses who remarry, there is one common threat that runs throughout this pattern.

It's all due to failing to LET GO of their marriage and husband, then later the ex husband. AND the main reason has nothing at all to do with your husband, it's due to you NOT hanging onto GOD—the LORD is not FIRST in your life. You may believe He is but your fruits say otherwise.

Not letting go is also continuing to act as if you are married when it comes to intimacy. There is no better way to prevent restoration than to sleep with an ex husband.

Here is a RESTORED Marriage Testimony from Sabrina in Georgia, "Failed to Refrain" that will help encourage you to refrain from intimacy while you are divorced.

You'll Know by Their Fruits

Matt. 7:15-20 tells us, "You will know them by their fruits." What has been the fruit of your standing, pursuing and not letting your husband go so far? Are you any closer to restoration?

What are the fruits of you continuing to act as if you're still married when you're not? Maybe being intimate with your ex and though he speaks of leaving the OW and remarrying you, his promises never happen—are you prepared to live this way?

More about Intimacy

As soon as you begin to change, replacing the contentious woman with having a gentle and quiet spirit, and also have let go of your husband, you will begin seeing Good Fruits. Soon things will begin to turn around to the point that your ex husband will probably begin wanting to be intimate with you again. The absolute worst thing you can do is to pretend you are still married and sleep with your ex husband.

When my husband left me, and after a year told me he was being pressed by the other woman to divorce me, I sought God who told me it would, in fact, go through. He assured me, however, that it was necessary in order for the testimony. Soon afterwards He began to prepare me for the "change" in my situation. Once I began changing, our intimacy had started again even though we were separated and he was living with the other woman. But the Lord told me that once the divorce did go through, that for us to be intimate again would be just like any two people who were not married—it would be wrong!

My struggle began to know whether or not to warn him how things would change, but I knew that he would see it as a tactic to make him stop the divorce, so I followed the principle in Proverbs 17:28, "Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent."

Because I did not attend the divorce hearing, but "lost" by default, I wasn't sure that the divorce had gone through, so a day or two after the court date, I asked my husband if it had been granted. When he said it had, I knew that I was NOT to be intimate with him again, not until we were once again legally married. It was not about pleasing my husband, or ex husband, but pleasing God.

Reasoning that we were "married in God's eye" is a trap from the pit of hell. Many women who are used and abused, who never legally marry, use the same lies—women who are horribly hurt by it. I knew God wanted to protect me and that I belonged to my heavenly Father, who would not want me to be used. He would want me to remain pure and wait for Him to turn my ex husband's heart back to me and marry me again.

So later that same day my ex husband began to get cozy with me, which is when I knew I would have to speak up. I moved away from him and told him that since we were no longer legally married we could no longer be intimate. At first he thought I was kidding, but when he realized I was serious, my ex husband began quoting scripture about us being "one flesh." However, I told him that legally we were not married and that I needed to obey that law, just as if it were before we ever married.

Resigned to this, he said he would respect my decision but proceeded to begin kissing me. I pulled away letting him know to STOP before things went too far, it might be okay for him because he had someone back at his apartment waiting to be intimate with him (the OW) but for me I had no one. That to get too passionate would be too difficult so that only a quick kiss hello and goodbye is what we would need to do from now on.

Yes, that's when he stormed out, just like any teenage boy would whose girlfriend wouldn't have sex with him, but I knew this was part of God's plan to restore me. I remembered my grandmother who used to say "men won't buy the cow when they can get free milk." I wanted to be married again, and not just become an adulteress like the OW, so I just wouldn't give it. But guess what? This is when my ex husband began to pursue me!! He began being so sweet, I'm sure to get me back in bed with him, but I wouldn't budge from my commitment to remain pure and wait until we were married again.

It took less than a week of him pursuing me with loving comments, gifts and every manner to win me over before he stated: "Divorcing you was the WORST mistake of my life!!" Had I continued to sleep with him I doubt I would ever have heard those words! From that point on he also began to loath the other woman. He told me that sex with her was horrible and strained. Eventually he began sleeping on the coach. This intensified his desires for me, and now he keeps telling me how much he regrets divorcing me. I just love hearing that!! Sure, he could have started looking or sleeping with other women, but when a man wants something he can't have, it's in his nature to want it even more.

What if you've already slept with your ex husband?

Like everything else, it's never too late in God's eyes to begin to honor Him and His word. Begin right where you are now to follow the truth of His word that says the "truth will set you free." Be truthful and acknowledge that you are no longer legally married; therefore, to be intimate with any man is wrong.

Let your ex husband know your new found conviction, and then just make very sure you never get yourself in the situation of it happening. Stay away from passionate kissing and even when he's not around (or when he is) don't watch movies that will ignite that passion in you. During the time when I refrained from intimacy, I was also fasting a lot, which helped kill the fleshly desires. But what helped the most was not kissing or getting too close to him, which is what made my ex husband want me even more!

 

MORE Testimonies

"Thank you, thank you, thank you. I did what you said and soon afterwards my ex wanted to sleep with me. But because I wanted to honor God and His word, I told him that I was so sorry that I just couldn't. Like you said he tried everything, then one day sat on the end of my bed and just wept uncontrollably. I stayed back not wanting to comfort him because it could have resulted in us being intimate and I knew it. This made him even sadder and he began cursing the other women who he said made him divorce me. I'm not sure if that's true, but since that day he keeps talking about how he is leaving the other woman and we talk of wedding plans!! He wants to take me on the honeymoon we never had all because he is missing this part of our life together as husband and wife!! You were right—it's like a brand new beginning. When he first started to talk about remarrying, it was just going to the courthouse to make it legal again. Now he wants us to have a nice wedding with our kids, friends and his family. Wow, doing things the right way, God's way, is full of blessings I would never have imagined!!!"

Judy in Wisconsin

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Dearest Erin, As you, and everyone else knows from my Bio, I fell into this same trap of sleeping with my ex-husband after listening to that tape: "Sex and the Stander" when he started coming around again---and then he soon left me again for another woman. I hope everyone learns from this huge mistake I made. I personally believe the only way to prevent this trap of the enemy is by applying the principle of "letting go" and the "holding on" to the Lord and taking Him as your Husband.

This topic (letting go) and the pitfalls of longing for "forbidden fruit" could easily be a chapter in itself as there are so many testimonies that validate this principle when followed or when ignored. Bless you for sharing these profound truths to help save us from destruction. I only wish I had known and followed this before, if I had I am sure I would not still be waiting for restoration, it would have happened already!

If you come from a "standers" background, I would encourage you to click on Helen's name and read through her bio and also previous Encouragers to learn about the pitfalls of their unbiblical tactics. Helen is very transparent regarding how they don't work and how you will remain a "stander" forever.

And because intimacy is a difficult topic, it is also covered in our Q&A book when women are divorced from their husbands.

QUESTION: The divorce went through so, obviously, intimacy is not going to happen?

ANSWER: If the divorce has gone through intimacy is forbidden UNLESS you want to remain divorced. If you want to remarry your ex then you will need to do what is right so that God will honor you and you honor Him.

QUESTION: [State: California. Current Marital Status: divorced.] My husband and I divorced but got back together (I with my contentious attitude tore my house down). I left and later realized my mistake, but it was too late, he didn’t want me back. After reading your book and workbook God began to move, we have started seeing and talking to each other. Now I am pregnant and he is upset and angry and wishes we never began talking again. What do I do now? Do I stay away and let him cool off or still be a wife to him? He even wants me to abort.

ANSWER: You need to give him time by staying apart for a while. Pray that the Lord will turn his heart back toward you and the baby. You mentioned being divorced, then back together. Did you remarry, or were you still divorced when you became intimate again? In the book I’m sure you read that once a divorce has occurred, you should not be intimate. When a judge rules that you are no longer married, we must obey, “Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God” (Rom. 13:1). I have seen a lot of tragedy when this has been violated. There are consequences for violations of God’s Word even if it was done in ignorance. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hos. 4:6).

If you were intimate while you were divorced, you must repent before the Lord. Then pray for an opportunity to repent to your husband. Remember when talking to him, to agree with ANYTHING he says, or keep silent. (Matt. 5:25) If he asks you about getting an abortion again, tell him that you will have to pray about it. THEN PRAY!! However, since you are no longer married, you are not REQUIRED to be subject. When your husband divorced you, then he lost the privilege, so the baby is in no danger.

When a wife has a desire to restore her marriage, she WILLINGLY submits to her husband. It is her choice to do so as an example of her faith that her marriage will be restored. This is what I did. However, if I was asked to sin against God, as you are being asked to do, I would not have willingly submitted to it. However, a woman who is married must be subject in ALL things, trusting in the Lord that He will faithfully deliver her—because He IS faithful!!! “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24). Even if our husbands are disobedient to the word as Abraham was. “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior . . .Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:1–2, 6).

QUESTION: My husband divorced me in July. Before we were divorced he and I were still intimate. I wondered if I should reject him should he come to me for intimacy now. I am confused about it because the scripture says “we are joined until death” but then there is the divorce on paper by mankind. Which supersedes the other? In my heart I don’t feel divorced from him but I’m sure that is how every woman feels. I worry about his desires getting the best of him because he said he wanted to get a vasectomy so he doesn’t slip up and have another baby. I know he’s dating and I’m sure she’s putting pressure on him to be intimate. What would you recommend I pray about him, her and me concerning this situation?

ANSWER: If you have the women’s restoration book, you can find the answer at the end of the first chapter. Basically, the Scriptures are clear that God sees us as one flesh, but He also tells us that we are under the law for our protection. The law has said that you are divorced; therefore, legally you are no longer married.

Jesus followed the law by paying taxes and allowing Himself to be captured and persecuted. He did not place Himself above the law; we can do no less.

“Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath upon the one who practices evil” (Rom. 13:1-4).

Another recent testimony concerning letting go:

"Your method works!! As soon as I announced that I was actually relieved about the divorce (I actually said the word "relieved") and emphasized that I was "so happy for him" his face said it all. He was shocked! I was not the one holding him back from his new life any more. I stopped begging, crying, pleading with him. That was the first time he did not try to get away from me... his pathetic wife that I turned into!! That day he actually sat back down wanting to stay a while.

But as you said, making it short if possible was safest, so I happily stood up and said I had an appointment (I planned to go park somewhere quiet to thank God for helping me!!). I smiled and left him sitting on our couch! This was the first time I walked out on him. No I am not playing games. I just know that I need to get out of his way and I will be fine living happily ever after with the Lord who I know won't ever leave me. What's exciting is that what you said worked. It really worked!! I know there is lots more up ahead but I am just so encouraged by this change!!

I do want His will and not mine any more. But I just had to write to all of you out there who have been resisting this divorce thing and are as scared as I was about him filing. Don't be. If you tell God He is everything and you trust Him and then get out of the way and let your husband go, everything will turn around.

So far I haven't heard anymore about the divorce from my husband. Instead he calls me all the time and I only pick up half of the time. I want to show him the freedom he said he wanted. But like you said, now that he has what he wants it's not what he thought it would be.

Thank you thank you thank you."

~ ~ ~ ~

"Just writing to tell you it works it works it works!!??!! Yes I am still in shock because at first it seemed to backfire on me. I am not sure but I think it was because I was scared and my husband could sense it. So he seemed relieved that I said I was okay with the divorce and I thought I had blown it big time.

My biggest battle was not going back to pleading or begging him. I finally put my cell phone in the car so I wouldn't be tempted to quickly call him back and after that night I realized that I would not go back to getting in his way. Heck if that's what would make him happy I wanted him to be happy. I didn't want him to be stuck with me; who wants that.

It's probably why things changed after that. When he came to get his things from the house my heart was more settled and I was able to trust God more. So when the divorce came up again this time when he was leaving from dropping off the kids I responded enthusiastically, letting him know how happy I was for him and also how excited I was about all the plans I had for MY future (though I didn’t say what those plans were, or who they were with, just a “feeling I had” was all I said). That’s when I saw it. He didn't really want to get rid of me he just wanted to be free from the maniac I had become. I fit all the characteristics of the contentious woman in your book that's for sure.

That afternoon I knew this was the route I would take forever. Letting go was the way and not resisting, but getting enthusiastic about the divorce. Sure, it could go through, most do. But I will never have a chance for a happy future if he is relieved to get rid of me, right?

Each time my husband came by or called (which he never did before but he began doing ever since that afternoon), I got more and more enthusiastic about the divorce and my new life and his new life and he could tell it was real. To me if it means going through the divorce for him to realize and feel free to come back to me then that is fine with me. I have the Lord now which is awesome. And if the divorce happens then I may or may not accept his proposal, lol lol lol. This sure beats crying in my pillow every night."

 

His Will

We are not suggesting that you go from not wanting divorce to you pursing for divorce. Our goal is to move from fearing it and resisting it to trusting God and getting out of your husband's way.

Our method works so well that we have found too often that women go to the other extreme. Even as far as to file for divorce once their husband drops it. This is not what we are advocating. God hates divorce and He never changes!

Yet He does give us the choice.

To fully understand all that God teaches us about marriage, separation and letting the unbelieving spouse leave, it would be a good idea to read the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 every day this week and mark particular passages that I will explain below.

CLICK HERE to read 1 Corinthians 7.

1. If your husband consents to remain with you (which is going to happen if you follow the principles of not resisting divorce and find that Love of your life), you must not send him away, but consent to live with him.

verse 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.

2. While you were still married then as verse 4-5 explains below you must continue to be intimate at your husband's request.

verse 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

verse 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time

3. If God chooses to allow the divorce to go through, then be VERY SURE to refrain from intimacy afterwards! For most men this is extremely hard since this is when many husbands realize their mistakes and will plead to get their wife back. But restoration only works when you follow this verse while you are still legally married and then refrain from intimacy afterwards. If you do, a proposal will soon follow, guaranteed.

4. Never leave your husband, which can happen once he wants you back and you have since found the Lord and He becomes the love of your life.

verse 10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband.

5. Understand that once you are free from fear and possibly your marriage you are never free to remarry. Your only choice is to be reconciled to your husband, which we strongly suggest you allow God to do especially if you have minor-aged children from this marriage.

verse 11 (she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband)

 

Testimony

A woman from California wrote to me about restoring her marriage. Things were progressing very nicely and both she and I were hopeful that her marriage soon would be restored. However, one day she heard, through a friend, that her husband had married the other woman. Despondent, she wrote to me, "What now?" I shared with her much of what you have just read. She wrote back and thanked me. She said that once she became content with God's apparent will for her life, and she gave up her will for His, she was now at peace and content to live a single life, never to marry (she was in her early thirties).

Within a year, she wrote to me that her former husband had contacted her. He said that he realized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life! That he had already separated from the new wife and was filing for divorce. He wanted to know if she would consider dating him again or would she only consider it after he was legally divorced. He told her that it was his intent to marry her again if she would have him! She wasn't flattered or gushing, INSTEAD she asked him NOT contact her again since he was a married man. A few months later he contacted her again, saying that his divorce was final, and he began asking her again and again about dating him. Eventually he won her over and they were remarried and are expecting their first child.

I have shared the principle of COMPLETELY letting a husband go to every woman who comes to us for help. Being even bolder with those whose husbands have remarried. So far all but one rejected the principle—All that is except this ONE woman who now has a restored marriage. This ONE woman had never been to a Covenant-based ministry. She never heard of "covenant" marriages, a term that was coined from the one Scripture in Malachi. In our ministry, we have never seen one man or one woman return after a remarriage, save this ONE only. But again, let me emphasis, this was the only woman who ever followed this radical principle for a radical result!

Once left alone, her former husband was able to feel the full impact of his wrong decision when he married the other woman. He had not seen or heard from his former wife during their entire separation, but had to track her down to find her (they had no children). I say this to those who are afraid to let go, for fear that God is unable to bring a person back once they are free to leave and not be pursued.

The other reason this worked is because it is the nature of a man to pursue and pursue harder what he believes he cannot have! Women and even young girls are now the ones who do the pursuing and are mistreated and abused because of it! It is unnatural. Think of sports, hunting and the competitiveness of men. They love a challenge and quickly lose interest, moving on to the next challenge.

Why don't YOU be your husband's challenge? Be the thing he pursues—but don't play games! Instead, pursue GOD, not being more religious, but in a fulfilling relationship that will make you GLOW as He changes you from the INSIDE out! And once your makeover is complete, I promise that your husband will hear about it even if you try to keep it a secret. God will orchestrate HIS REVEAL at the perfect moment that you are at your most radiant, and after the other woman has become bitter and cutting.

Proverbs 5:3-4 "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword."

Psalm 34:5 "They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."