FD Chapter 3. Difficult QUESTIONS with BIBLICAL Answers

The following letters are from a web column that we used to have on our website, which we now use to compile our Q&A Series books. Since discontinuing our Q&A Column, we have been encouraging women to seek God on their own, after studying the verses in the RYM regarding what God says about going to court, and find that He is not only able to lead them, but also give them the peace they need.

QUESTION: [State: Illinois; I am presently: Married; My husband left. My husband lives with someone else; a divorce has been filed.] Erin, my husband is going into court on a pretrial motion, I am frightened. I have been seeking God's help on what to do. My husband wants the divorce and wants to settle. I do not want to go to court either, but someone has to represent me. I have a lawyer. I need help. When I have been praying, I feel God wants me to stand still and wait for him to move his hand. I trust in God with all my being, but what can I do about the issue of being represented?

ANSWER: Before you do ANYTHING, release your attorney and reread Chapter 13 of the Restore Your Marriage book.

To find out whether you have to be in this pretrial meeting, contact the office where you are to appear. Tell them that you have released your attorney and you are NOT contesting the divorce. Ask that you be released from having to appear, and tell them that WHATEVER your husband wants you already AGREE to. Unless you have been "served" legal papers requiring you to go, just don't move.

If you have been served, and will be in contempt if you don't appear, then you go, but DON'T SEND AN ATTORNEY TO REPRESENT YOU! When asked anything, agree with whatever your husband has said or wants. It's as simple as that.

The fear that you are experiencing has turned to panic. It is a tool the devil will use to cause you to react hastily and do foolish, IRREVERSIBLE damage to your situation. You must seek the Lord for peace. MANY other women have faced this VERY SAME situation and God has protected them. He is testing your faith, but at this moment you are failing the test.

Your marriage can be restored, even if God allows the divorce to go through. Mine went through; others stopped right at the courthouse.

PLEASE get alone with the Lord. And be sure you are not talking to anyone who is fueling your panic attack with his or her opinions and poor advice. God is all you need. He is MORE THAN ABLE to take care of the whole thing!

I noticed you read the book only once. You need to read it OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Reading it just once will not RENEW your mind. Those who gained victory in their marriages and had a "peace that surpassed ALL understanding" were those who literally wore their book out!!

QUESTION: I have released my attorney. My husband has said nothing, but he is beginning to call periodically again. He seems much friendlier!!!! He even asked for my work number. Do you think that releasing the attorney will help bring down the hate walls? I feel more peace in my heart since I did this!!!! The Lord has blessed my husband with the opportunity for a teaching position, which came through me. My husband is ecstatic about it. Do you think this is one of the blessings you were speaking of?

ANSWER: Yes!! The teaching position, through YOU, along with you both now being on the same side in this divorce stuff (his side), has certainly begun to bring the hate wall down!! Praise the Lord! Now, as you continue to walk in more and more obedience and meekness, you will see the "wall" come down more and more. Once down, you will be able to pour unconditional love on him which NEVER FAILS!!

Since your divorce has not yet gone through (and hopefully NEVER WILL), you and your husband can still be intimate. Make sure he KNOWS that you are available! Not in what you say, per se, but in your look and response to him. A woman knows how to let a man know when she is interested. You may want to replay video number four and listen to my husband’s response as he shares what drew him back to me. I'll be waiting for a Praise Report!

QUESTION: [State: California; Present Marital Status: my husband is divorcing me.] The Lord has reaffirmed Hab. 2:1-4 and has told me that He would save my husband and set us free. I have already signed the papers, but apparently, they were mixed up. I will be obedient to the Lord and thus to my husband. I plan to have the paper notarized and will send it to my husband after I move. My prayers have been that I am willing to lose everything so my husband would be saved, and he is tired of needing to help me every month. He still doesn't want to be married, even though he misses me.

ANSWER: Did YOU instigate the resigning? Or was it your husband or your husband's attorney? The reason I asked is because VERY OFTEN a "mix up" is the result of answered prayers and the divorce is dropped. The way you said it, "I will be obedient to the Lord and thus to my husband. I plan to have the paper notarized and will send it to my husband after I move. My prayers have been that I am willing to lose everything . . . he is tired of needing to help me every month," leads me to believe you signed them as some sort of righteous deed that YOU instigated.

Your comment about your husband being tired of needing to help you concerns me, because it may indicate that you are more concerned with pleasing your husband than with pleasing the Lord OR that you are still asking your husband for help.

But what I would like to address at this time are the many concerns I have with your Questionnaire. Let me begin with the validity of this marriage.

Drawing from MANY things I read on your questionnaire, I wonder if you are suppose to restore your marriage to this “husband.”

Since the marriage was a result of adultery.

It being your husband’s second marriage.

The fact that you are in a single’s group.

Your husband is a non-believer, and you were a believer when you married him.

The children you have with you are not from this marriage.

Maybe your husband still, in God's eyes, is married to his first wife. Which would mean your husband is committing adultery with you, and YOU are still single but have fornicated since you are not married.

Matthew 5:32 reads: “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for {the} cause of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Matthew 19:9 reads: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Mark 10:11: “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.’”

Mark 10:12: “And if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”

Luke 16:18: “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”

Is your husband’s first wife unmarried at present? If she has remarried, I would ask that you still seek God as to whether or not you should restore your marriage. You may have married this married man while the man you should have married is still out there for you. Was there someone else at the time you became involved with this married man, or did someone appear afterwards? You did mention you dated someone since being separated. And your husband has asked you not to wear your ring. Proverbs 16:33 reads: “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.”

You are not the first woman that I have counseled in this way. This ministry’s intention is NOT to restore just any marriage, but to help discern the will of God concerning each marriage He sends our way. One woman, who is now happily married, was the unmarried adulteress. In other words, she had lured a married man away from his wife and married him. When she found the truth in God’s word, she purposed to help restore her husband’s marriage to his first wife, which she did. (She had even had a child by this man). There was another man that she was intending to marry when she became involved with this married man. She married him and her (new) husband lovingly accepted her child and may have already adopted her by this time. 

NOTE: For those reading this column, if you or your husband are in a second or subsequent marriage, as it states in the Restore Your Marriage book, you must SEEK the Lord concerning restoring your marriage that is now failing or has fallen apart.

Some ministries, because of the confusion and because most of their marriages are first marriages, have made it their doctrine that ONLY first marriages are ACKNOWLEDGED by God. Some have named them “covenant marriages” based on the book of Malachi. However, we have NOT done so for many reasons. One, because God DOES recognize second and subsequent marriages (See Deut. 24:1-4). If God hadn’t recognized this woman’s second marriage as a remarriage, then the woman would have been in adultery and consequently would have been stoned. Secondly, I have seen MANY women have a second or subsequent marriage restored by God. All sought the Lord and were willing to remain unmarried or go back to her first husbands, but GOD restored that second or subsequent marriage! God has made no special formula or guidelines since we were asked to live by grace rather than putting ourselves under the law. This was His plan in order for us to SEEK the leading of the Holy Spirit. This is what I HOPE this Q & A column does—cause you to SEEK HIM!!

PLEASE, please do NOT write and ask me to tell you which marriage you should try to restore or what wife belongs to your husband, since he has been married six times! SEEK Him!!!

QUESTION: [State: Illinois; Current Marital Status: married; my husband lives with someone else; A divorce has been filed; I have an attorney; my husband is in adultery.] Erin, the divorce my husband filed is starting to go forward. My husband is in an affair and the woman is real pushy. My husband never calls or comes over. I think that the affair is pushing the divorce. If the divorce goes through, which I am praying it won’t and if my husband marries the other woman, should I stop my stand for my marriage? Is this the point I should stop hoping for the restoration of my marriage? I have prayed to God and feel He wants me to keep praying and wait.

ANSWER: My hope is that the divorce won’t even go through. But that may depend solely on you. Why have you not dropped your attorney? “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Cor. 6:7). If Jesus is Lord of your life, why do you not trust Him enough to protect and defend you? “Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength” since He knows this will cause your heart to turn “away from the LORD” (Jer. 17:5).

You know the truth, since you read the book, but it is not enough. You MUST apply what you have learned. James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows (the) right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin.” It's not enough to say Jesus is Lord, your actions say that He is NOT. Luke 6:46, “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?”

If you begin to trust and obey Him now, you will not have to worry about your husband remarrying. You are EXACTLY where I was. The divorce did go through; but well before it did, my NOT contesting and NOT having counsel brought great conviction into my husband’s heart. The other woman was the one who called the attorney, paid for the attorney, and pushed my husband to pursue the divorce even though his heart had changed towards me. Proverbs 5:4, “But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.” But God used it for my good because I trusted Him. He was faithful to bless me, because I was faithful to trust in Him! My husband’s eyes were opened to the fact that this other woman was like I USED to be—PUSHY. Had I not changed, he may have dropped her after the divorce and found someone else, but it WOULDN’T have been ME!

QUESTION: [State: Texas; Current Marital Status: married but separated; my husband is divorcing me.] I am presently working through the workbook, but searched for answers to Questions (ordered the tapes today). My husband says in Texas I must respond to papers or they default, which he doesn’t want. He wants me to review them and respond. I’ve looked at them to be submissive, but I am concerned. The papers are unfair, plus I feel that means I agree to divorce. He wants me to sign the papers but hasn’t demanded either. If I am to respond to papers, should I get an attorney’s help or self represent? Please advise, I want to do right.

ANSWER: Default means that the divorce will still go through, and everything stated in the papers will be granted just as he has requested.

The next time your husband contacts you about the papers, make sure you are “prayed up” and have fasted (three days for favor if you have time). Sweetly, explain about the issue of default as I have stated, and then ask that he allow you NOT to sign them. Explain that you have made so many mistakes and that you don’t want to make any more. But, if he insists, you will. His reasons for wanting you to look over the papers and sign them, is to ease his conscience. No one feels right about hitting someone who won’t defend him or herself.

Do NOT get an attorney for any reason. That is when you will lose. We have to be willing to allow ourselves to be pushed up to the “Red Sea” and trust that God will perform a miracle. If instead, we look to man for help, we will ultimately perish.

QUESTION: [State: Florida; Current Marital Status: married but separated; I have an attorney.] The other woman my husband is emotionally (supposedly not sexually) involved with is twice divorced, has a 13 year old son and parents who are supporting her relationship with my married husband. I have prayed God will bring all the adults in this picture into conviction for their parts in the destruction of my family and that they will find salvation. Should I pray that God would rescue that child from a home where he is being taught it is okay to destroy your own family and the families of others?

(Sometimes, we Christians make praying so complicated. When I was seriously seeking the restoration of my marriage, I sought the Lord and tried to direct my prayers, since I really didn’t know what to do.

I prayed Scriptures that the Lord illuminated to me when I was reading my Bible.) 

ANSWER: I must tell you, I too, prayed for conviction to come to all who were involved in encouraging, or condoning my husband’s adultery. Only my husband ever became convicted—none of the others. I would suggest that you concentrate your prayers on your husband’s heart.

In reference to the 13-year-old boy, children need to be with their parents, so you wouldn’t want to pray for him to be “rescued.” However, praying blessings over the parents is scriptural. Matthew 5:44: “But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you . . .”

Also, God said not to go into court. Why do you have an attorney? First Corinthians 6:7 states, “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?”

Luke 6:46 reads, “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” 

QUESTION: [State: Pennsylvania; Current Marital Status: married but separated; I have an attorney; I am in a support group: the name of the support group is Covenant Keepers.] Instead of just submitting regarding selling the house, I told my husband I was submitting, because I believe it is right to and apologize for not doing so in past. His email stated that I should NOT submit to him and MUST make up my OWN mind. We don’t have children; he wants to sell our home, buy one in a different state, and have children with the OW. I want to submit and not blow it again. (Regarding the question above, I can’t tell if he’s angry; we only email. He’s seen a counselor to get “closure” and “move on with his life.”)

ANSWER: A man HATES when his wife tells him she is submitting. Wives are to just DO IT. When a wife tells her husband she is submitting, she is acting like a Pharisee and greatly hindering her hopes of restoration. Matthew 6:5, “. . . in order to be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. I believe this “Pharisee spirit” is the number one reason why so many of those seeking restoration are never restored.

You mentioned that your support group is Covenant Keepers. So many of those who are attending these support groups seem to be Pharisees—at least the ones I come in contact with. I think this spirit is catching. I do not believe that it is coming from the foundation of the group itself, but that the “support group” setting attracts Pharisees. They LOVE to share their sufferings and have people pity them. If you spend time around this kind of person, you too, will pick up the same attitudes and responses. Proverbs 14:7, “Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge.” First Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals.”

I saw so much of this same thing when Restore Ministries had “support” groups; that’s why I stopped them and encouraged “classes.” But so many want to make classes into support groups.

For right now, email your husband back and apologize for your “religious” response. Tell him the truth is, that you trust whatever decisions he makes will be the right ones. Leave all “church” talk and comments out. I really wish you had the Be Encouraged tapes. It would really help you to hear the different ways that the Lord led me to respond to day-to-day confrontations.

Of course, after you “agree,” you need to pray that God will protect you and your children and deliver you from any of your husband’s “plans” that are not His will. Use these verses:

“The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps” (Prov. 16:9).

“The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD” (Prov. 16:33).

“Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD. For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant. Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD” (Jer. 17:5-7).

QUESTION: [State: Florida; Current Marital Status: married but separated; would you say Jesus is your Lord? No; Do you have a designated quiet time with the Lord? No] My husband went to court today. The judge is giving me 10 days to meet with my husband and his attorney. My husband is offering me 10 years of alimony, and never be able to take him to court for revision of alimony. If I do not meet and agree with my husband and his attorney, the judge will decide in a month. I feel so doubtful this marriage can be restored. Should I meet with my husband and his attorney?

ANSWER: Yes, and agree to the terms or any new ones that are offered. Go with the Lord as your counselor and ask Him to “defend you” in the spirit realm where the real battle is being fought.

If you can believe that your marriage will be restored, the details of the alimony settlement aren’t important.

What makes you doubt that your marriage can be saved? Faith is things unseen. Do you believe God is not able? Do you feel unworthy? None of us deserve a restored marriage. But unless you have unconfessed sin in your life, God can restore your marriage.

Your doubt is probably found in that Jesus is not Lord of your life (as you stated on the Questionnaire.). You can make Him Lord right now by giving Him your life. He bought me with a price, and now I am no longer my own. It was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life!! You can know Him personally by spending time in His Word. Read the Psalms, they tell of His power. Read Song of Solomon, these are His letters to you. He loves you, I know. He is with you right now and wants an intimate relationship with you. Are you willing?

QUESTION: I am working in the workbook now. I have 12 days per the court papers. No assets are stipulated in the papers, but my husband has a draft for me to review, which is hard. He doesn’t want default. My husband appears softer and more open to talk. A few times, he seems to doubt but not now. He asked about assets last night, but I’m unsure how to handle this. I’m praying that he will see changes in me and will stop the divorce. He thinks he cannot be happy at home. Still away from Lord. Need miracle! Looks bad and hurts! 

ANSWER: Whatever is on the papers, agree to it. They will not matter once the Lord restores your marriage. As long is there is ANY division and your husband feels struggles instead of oneness, the divorce, in his eyes, is necessary for his happiness.

Also, in the spirit realm the division between a husband and wife is the open door or the crack by which the devil can gain access and steal, kill, and destroy. The most important thing that a wife who desires and is seeking restoration can do is to stay “in agreement” with her husband. This will prevent any “cracks” that the devil could use for entry.

As far as the Lord delivering you BEFORE the divorce date, He may or may not. Will your faith only survive if He delivers you? Or are you confident that with your faith in the Lord that you can make it "through" the fire? You will only find this confidence in Him if you have a designated quiet time. Get one and keep it faithfully.

If you truly want restoration, you will have to go the extra mile and be determined to not only give your coat but your shirt also, if you ever hope for restoration. I have witnessed one thing in those that have been restored—RADICAL and UNQUESTIONED obedience!!

Embrace and run with all that the Lord shows you to do. During your quiet time, He will show you the way. Then obey radically.

QUESTION: My husband has served me with divorce papers. He has no grounds for a divorce; he just doesn’t want to be married. The law entitles me to half of his money. He’s absolutely FURIOUS over the idea of my getting half. I have no idea what he has. He kept that from me. Should I settle for less than half in hope that he will return? Should I take what is entitled to me, and still hope for his return? 

ANSWER: First of all, your statement “He has no grounds for divorce, he just doesn’t want to be married” needs to be addressed. Your husband may not have “legal grounds,” but he certainly must have a reason. No one walks away from a commitment, no one. If you believe that he has no “grounds,” then you must go to the Lord and ask him your husband’s reasons to you. Most men who make the statement, “I just don’t want to be married,” have become involved with another woman. (And please don’t go looking for evidence of another woman. Take my word for it, and get on your face before the Lord, NOW!) This is the time to cry out to the Lord, not to worry about settlements!

However, since you asked, whatever the law entitles you to, you do not have to take. Instead, if you are interested in restoration, you need to show your husband through your attitude and actions that you trust him to give you what “he feels” you should have. Don't use terms like “what is fair?” These verses may help you: Matthew 5:40, “And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to take from you.”

He must know that you care about him, and if the thought of the law entitling you to half of his money is making him angry, it can’t be good. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matt. 5:9).

And please make sure you do not have an attorney. If you have one, release him/her immediately! No excuses!

QUESTION: I have read the book and workbook and watched all the videos. Before I read your books, my husband filed for divorce and I hired an attorney against my better judgment. The case arbitrated which means a settlement is agreed upon, so I signed the proposed arbitration agreement. Since I read the books, my attorney wants me to sign the divorce judgment. Since this is so far gone, is there any purpose in dismissing my attorney? Should I sign? Also, my husband is in and out of the hospital with kidney stones. Should I visit, call, or send a card?

ANSWER: At whatever point that the truth reaches us, we are then accountable to obey or disobey God’s Word. First Corinthians 6:7 asks this question, “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” I ask you the same question. One of our most recent restorations occurred when a woman dismissed her attorney just two weeks before her court date. THE DIVORCE NEVER WENT THROUGH. She walked IN FAITH and God rewarded her. Because God has the ability to look at the heart of the one who is following His principles, this usually determines the outcome. Many women who write want a “written guarantee” from me that IF THEY DO . . . then their husband will . . .” God’s Word is guaranteed. I can make no guarantees. I am merely a servant of the Lord.

As to whether you should visit, send cards, or call your husband is determined by your relationship with him. Has he asked you to call him, or has he made it clear he no longer wants a relationship with you? To pursue someone who is ATTEMPTING to get away will only intensify his demise for you. If, however, you are still close, then send him flowers, call to see if he got them, and ask him if he would like a visit. If he says “no” to anything, or sounds as if he is tired or doesn’t want to talk, GET OFF THE PHONE—QUICKLY!

QUESTION: We DON’T have children. For years, I was depressed, anxious, controlling, didn’t want children (too overwhelming when I had no energy). By God’s grace, I am now healthy and have normal desires, energy, and behavior. I know I was a horrible wife, and I regret it! Any additional advice based on 1) his desire to have kids with the OW and two) his family’s and counselor’s encouraging him to “move on with life” with the OW? He has a strong desire to please mom, who despises me, and likes the OW (he told me this). I know our situation is not too big for God.

ANSWER: First, you need to get the hate wall down completely. If he is still “slightly” angry, it is too much. Simply releasing your attorney will do this. If you are on one side and your husband is on the other, the hate wall will never come down, but will increase with the help of your attorneys.

Once the hate wall is down, and then God can begin to turn your husband's heart. He will begin to come around more often. When the past comes up, then you can use that as an opportunity to confess and repent for the kind of wife you used to be.

This should lead to God fulfilling your desire for children. If you are not divorced, then intimacy with your husband can produce “fruit”! First Samuel 1:5 says, “. . . but the LORD had closed her womb.” God closed Hannah’s womb, but opened it as she sought the Lord.

As far as your mother-in-law, you have an opportunity right now to turn this around. On the “Be Encouraged” videos, I share in depth about my bad relationship with my father-in-law and how the Lord led me to fast “for favor” three days and how God performed a miracle! He became my advocate!! Impossible, but true!!! Watching or listening to the tapes would bless you.

QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] Your ministry advises against hiring an attorney. My husband told me that he wanted me to hire one. He wants me to have my own representation. What should I do?

ANSWER: Have you made it clear to your husband that you will trust him in his dealings? Have you conveyed that you, therefore, feel that hiring an attorney would not only be costly, but could result in a battle between your attorney and his? You certainly would not want that to happen.

With this shared, more than likely your husband will not insist that you get an attorney. If however, he does, then it would be wise for you to ask him to hire (or select) one for you. If he follows through and does obtain an attorney for you, then you need to ask your husband the same questions the attorney asks you, to find out how your husband would want you to answer.

The most important thing right now is that you get on the same side—HIS. This usually results in the divorce never going to court! 

QUESTION: My brother-in-law is definitely not following your recommended course of action. They have been to numerous counselors, and each now has his/her own respective attorney. As I look at the whole situation, I am left wondering what our role is in all of this. I believe that God calls us to love to them, and yet, my sister’s continuous, blatant disobedience leaves me wanting to avoid her company at any cost. We see fruit in the life of my brother-in-law. He has truly shown a desire to reconcile. I mentioned to him the idea of firing his attorney, and he said he would definitely think about it. My sister has not shown any remorse or regret for her actions. Does that mean we stay away from any contact with either of them?

ANSWER: Oh, how I hate to see families fall apart and become just another statistic. I suppose there was no way to really help this precious couple “through” you. It really does take the effort of one of the persons involved to see a change. However, prayer, really sold out prayer, can totally and radically change even the most hopeless situations. Matthew 17:20 says, “And He said to them, ‘Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you.’” Never give up praying. James 5:16 says, “. . . The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”

The remorse that you are looking for in your sister is very rarely seen in situations like this. We tell those that are hoping for restoration not to look for it, because it is a faith walk. My husband was not remorseful, even after he returned home, and this is common. The trial is not over once the “other person” is out of the picture, or the husband is home. The “refining” fire stays hot until the one hoping for restoration is totally transformed.

As far as your brother-in-law being a young Christian, we see young and old believers restored. It just takes doing things “God’s way” versus the “world’s” way:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock” (Matt. 7:24).

“And everyone who hears these words of Mine, and does not act upon them, will be like a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand” (Matthew 7:26).

How best to help—prayer of course, and then being there if either is seeking your help. Unless they are “seeking help,” it does more harm to “try” to give it. Proverbs 29:1 says, “A man who hardens {his} neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.”

QUESTION: My brother-in-law has decided not to release his attorney. He will not take the chance of allowing his children to live with his ex and another man. He also has had a change of heart and is not interested in reconciliation.

ANSWER: When I read your letter, my spirit just grieved. Knowing what lies ahead for this family lays heavy on my heart.

When the decision is made to choose an attorney (the flesh), over trusting in the Lord when it comes to the welfare of the children, God tells us what will be the outcome in 2 Chronicles 15 and 16. King Asa had trusted the Lord and had come out victorious in every enemy attack. Then, for the first time, he chooses to trust in treaties and appeals; this is when we read the verse we have all heard many times in 2 Chronicles 16:9, “For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His. You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on you will surely have wars.”

I have witnessed so many divorces and seen so many Christians, believing they were doing the “right thing,” chose to “protect” their children through their attorney, courts, or litigation. Unfortunately, this results in shear destruction for the children. Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD.”

I wasn't surprised to hear that once your brother-in-law chose to keep his attorney that he no longer really desired or was seeking reconciliation. The above verse is so true. When we seek mankind and the flesh to fight for us, our heart naturally turns away from the Lord, and we lose His heart, which has always been for reconciliation. Second Corinthians 5:18-19 states, "Now all (these) things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.”

To really fight (the world's way—attorney, etc.) for the “protection” of their children, the believing husband would need to speak against their own flesh (their own wife or husband). This is slander. And Psalms 101:5 says, "Whoever slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy . . .” Now, the believer is put in the position of being on God’s “hit list.” That’s just what the enemy had in mind as he continued to instill fear into their hearts; to push them to take matters into their own hands and “fight” for what they thought was right. But God says something different. He is truth; the devil is a liar. God says:

“. . . do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two” (Matthew 5:39-41).

God promises to fight for those who follow these scriptures.

Even if they do win complete custody the world’s way, the husband who loses custody many times feels they have only one remedy: to kidnap their own children. Statistics say that 90 percent of missing children are now living with a non-custodial parent.

If they do work out “an arrangement,” the children live in doublemindedness and become “unstable in all their ways” (James 1:7). Both households are completely different: different rules, expectations, etc., not to mention, the two households are often at war with one another, and these precious children are caught in the middle. First Kings 3:25, “And the king said, ‘Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other.’”

Usually the children’s grades drop at school, and then discipline problems begin. Hours of counseling are sought as a solution, but counseling will NEVER change anything for the better since the root “cause” is never rectified.

There is no way a husband can protect his/her children from a husband who has fallen into adultery or sin. The only way is to help deliver the husband “caught” in adultery through the love that never fails, prayer, fasting that can break every enslaving yoke, and seeking the Lord by standing in the gap.

Statistics and personal acquaintances prove that this is true and that this is the only right course. The Bible is NEVER wrong for His Word IS truth.

It truly grieves me, as I know it does you. Isn’t it sad and tragic for all who are involved in this divorce? May the Lord give you peace during your grief.

QUESTION: Erin, you mentioned that you have seen people who were doing everything right, but their marriages still were not restored. That in a lot of cases they still had a heart condition that was wrong.

I received my divorce certificate, and I am now really divorced. Erin, can you maybe pray, and find out from God whether I have a heart condition that is hindering my restoration.

I feel so let down, because I have done what was expected of me—I had no attorney, I did not fight the divorce, I have forgiven, and been kind and submissive, I have stopped being intimate with him, I have lost weight, and you said that this is a sign of a broken and contrite heart. Still, I must be doing something wrong.

ANSWER: Yes, there is a heart condition that is in need of change. After answering several of your questions, it is now easy to see why your marriage is not restored.

Your initial letters gave the appearance of a strong and committed believer out to finish the race set before her. Later, rebellion was uncovered. When you realized it, instead of bringing yourself to humility, there was a period of time that you, in a way, blamed God for it—like He had let you down. This is a grave and serious heart problem.

Then, there were several days’ hesitation on obedience; another serious heart condition. It seems that you care more about your marriage being restored than you do about being obedient, meek, and quiet. But those are the things that restore a marriage.

When I entered into the “race” for my marriage, I, too, began it with my marriage as my goal—for me. But very soon, I began running it for Him, for my Lord. He had entered me in the race to change me. He became everything to me. And even as things got worse and worse, He could not let me down, because He owed me nothing. And if He never restored my marriage, I would still have praised Him and done everything I had done because He was worth it and He deserved it.

I never deserved, nor earned, a restored marriage. I am too much of a sinner and a wretch. But God, in His mercy, gave me one. It was through the suffering that I learned obedience, which gave me the right heart toward Him, which was His goal all along.