FDA Chapter 9. Spying and Following

 “There is no fear in love…

and the one who fears is not perfected in love”

—1 John 4:18

 

Someone who suspects their spouse is cheating on them prefers a higher level of snooping by spying or following their spouse. Wow, what a bad and fatal decision this is! Some of the saddest stories I hear are when mothers or fathers take their own children with them when following their spouse to the apartment of the OW or OM. And if that were not enough, some even take the children to the door to confront their spouse—seeing their own father or mother caught in the act of being with this other person and the fight that goes with will be something children will never forget! Talk about damaging your children for life; what a vivid picture that they will be haunted with!! And this is because you can’t help but act like a madman or hysterical woman—this is PAIN. Think of an animal being shot…it runs around mad, out of control.

Once I was the first person who came upon a horrible car accident. The one boy was running around out of his mind seeing his cousin who he was sure was dead or dying. Later we found out that this boy who was running had two broken legs! I also, to my horror, saw a boy from our high school hit by a car and thrown in the air, then get up and run away. Later we found out his leg had been broken in five places and his hip was shattered yet out of shock he could still run!

Emotional pain will do this same thing. So, like I did with that young boy, I want to encourage you to sit down, remain calm, because I assure you that everything will be all right. You will get through this, but don’t cause any more damage than what has already been done.

Also, all of these responses are exactly what the world would do and even tell you to do! As I said, I fell into this trap and you may already have taken the bait too. But if you haven’t or your friend hasn’t, then make sure they listen to what will happen if they foolishly confront their husband or wife with what they know or suspect.

Once again, let me tell you that the first time my husband was unfaithful (during my first restoration), I made the mistake of telling my husband that I knew he was living with another woman. I knew he was living with someone because the enemy left “bait” (which he always does) of something that seemed “odd” that made me suspect there was someone.

When I told my husband that I knew, he cried, said he was sorry, but lived with her for another year! But, it did not stop what he was doing, I had basically given the OW my husband on a silver platter—and she took full advantage of it.

From that moment on, my husband had to tell me that he couldn’t stay, that he had to hurry home to her! Only a day earlier, he would stick around so I wouldn’t suspect that he was living with someone. Oh, what one foolish decision can do!

So is there a godly way when discovering that your husband has been unfaithful in his marriage to you? Yes. Let me share this again with more details.

This time, years later, I was much more prepared. I was told by our counseling pastor many times during our counseling session (oh, God help us!) that there was no doubt that my husband was “once again” involved with another woman, but I kept telling him that he was wrong. On the very same day my sister told me the same thing, “Hey, he has a pattern with adultery, don’t be so stupid.” But again, I said that she was mistaken.

Later that day, however, I could hear those words (from my sister and the counseling pastor) echoing in my ears, which caused my spirit (in my gut) to begin to experience fear. But rather than ignore or give into my fear, I immediately got up and went into my prayer closet, to be alone with the Lord, so I could find my peace again. I went there to feel better, but then the Holy Spirit prompted me to ask if adultery was true.

As soon as I asked (which my mind was saying “why ask when you know it’s not true?”) ever so lovingly and gently, the Lord revealed to me that it was true by showing me in my mind each and every encounter that he had had with her. He even told me her name, and showed me the picture of when we had all met at my husband’s reunion two years earlier! The Lord laid out all the evidence before my mind in a matter of seconds. But the revelation and truth came without any pain or fear, because it came from the One who give us His “perfect love” that casts out all fear!

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

Let me again remind you, so that if you have questions you need to ask the Lord. I asked Him why I hadn’t realized what was going on? That’s when He told me that it was because I had faith like a child, and that I had had my eyes on Him. He did not scold me for being “stupid or naïve.” Instead, He protected me from experiencing any pain and waited to show me Himself, when I needed to know what was going on.  And because I had been keeping my eyes on Him only, when I was told—He is the One who told me—so that He could also bring with the news perfect peace to accompany the normally devastating truth.

Later that evening, and some of the days that followed, the thought of what I knew (that there was another woman and adultery again) would try to overwhelm me with fear and rattle my heart. But at the very first sign of it, I would get alone with the Lord and seek Him for my peace again. Usually He would prompt me to tell Him how I felt about Him, to which I would respond, “Lord, You are all I want, You are all I need, You are the only One I live for!” This encounter would replace my fear with abundant joy! I would leave my prayer closet rejuvenated knowing that I had a Lover too who was not sinful but what was what I was designed to be—His bride!

It was almost three weeks later that my husband announced that he was seeing “someone.” The announcement came without warning, but God had prepared me since I already knew he was “seeing” someone since He had told me three weeks earlier. My husband did not confess that he had been involved with her before he filed for divorce, but I didn’t need to hear that from him, because the Lord already told me the whole truth.

It was because God had prepared me that I did not shake or even tremble! Instead, when he confessed he was seeing “someone” I told him how nice it was for him to have found someone so quickly, that I was sure that they would be happy, and without thinking even said her name a couple of times even though my husband had never once mentioned her name to me! Praise God he didn’t drive off the road when it popped out of my mouth—he was clearly shaken— while I sat there feeling so loved and cherished by the Lord.

Not only was my husband in shock when I said the OW’s name, because I kept saying her name over and over again. Without knowing it, saying her name without tears actually hurt my husband since it proved to him that I really didn’t care—God had turned the tables! Usually we who are cheated on sit there hurt, devastated, while our spouse sits there telling us how much they love someone else and not us! But when you do things God’s way, He has a different plan.

My husband was so hurt because during my first go ‘round with his adultery, it left me so fearful that he knew I could never even say the OW’s name, and even hearing her name said by anyone else made me feel like I would throw up—for years! Since he had seen me working in ministry for nearly five years before he left again, my husband knew this entire story that I shared with many women when I ministered to them. So by my saying her name, which I had not planned to do, the pain left my heart and went into his.

This time, God had given me a huge advantage, so instead of being on the defensive, I was able to take the offensive: Offense, however, does not mean being offensive or on the attack. It simply means that we are not taking the defensive position: cowered in a corner, terrified, or running wild in pain doing foolish things.

So whether you are suspicious that there may be someone else, or especially if you have a friend, co-worker, mother, father, brother or sister going through this who is suspicious (or people are telling you things), please tell them my testimony and the wisdom so that they can “fight the good fight (spiritually) and finish the course”! (2 Tim. 4:7).

God knows everything—right? And He will faithfully tell you, ever so gently, what is going on just at the right time, and He will do it lovingly so you will not be hurt from it! Whenever we do things according to His will, we will reap blessings in the midst of all of the trials that destroy most people—especially Christians!

“Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion. Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, Everlasting joy will be theirs” (Isa. 61:7).

 

So many Christians are ignorant of His ways. They look at things and react in the exact same way as the people who are not believers. When evil gets more intense, and it seems like their spouse or ex-spouse is prospering while they are getting hit with all kinds of stuff from every which way, they begin to doubt God’s ability to help them and turn back to doing things for themselves. How foolish!

Here is a principle that all Christians should know and keep close to their heart throughout their lives and something they need to teach to their children:

Whenever you see wickedness increasing it only means that the evil is getting closer to being destroyed FOREVER.

“A senseless man has no knowledge, nor does a stupid man understand this: That when the wicked sprouted up like grass and all who did iniquity flourished, it was only that they might be destroyed forevermore” (Ps. 92:6–7).

Yes, that sin destroyed forever!!

May this promise stay close to your heart, guide your steps and govern your actions.