FDA Chapter 7. Frightened by Fear Part 1

Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord,

And you have become her children

If you do what is right

Without being frightened by any fear.

—1 Peter 3:6

 

“Peace in the Midst”

Four weeks ago, I opened the mail finding a letter from my EH’s attorney. It told me my EH had filed for divorce and contained copies of some of the legal paperwork one would receive when served. Before RMIEW, that letter would have set me off. I would have collapsed and headed for the phone to call friends and family. I would have hired an attorney. Anger and gossip would have been stirred up all over town.

Instead, I headed for the prayer nest I have made out of some pillows and soft blankets next to my side of the bed. I spoke with my HH. I recited all my memory verses and Psalms. I sang my favorite hymns. I poured out my tears. The Lord kept my children (my two youngest 18 and 22) busy and away most of the weekend. No one knows that a divorce has been filed. This alone is a miracle, as I used to be the biggest talker I knew. Bless the Holy name of Jesus!

My HH is here beside me. I am amazingly calm. I just do the next thing that needs to be done. I am able to focus on blessing others. He is protecting my children, too. Two weeks ago, when I was finally served, it was evening and my daughter was waiting for a friend to arrive. Normally, I wouldn't have answered the door, but I was walking past it. A woman handed me divorce paperwork in a huge envelope!!! If my daughter (who happened to be in the bathroom) had answered the door (she is old enough to have been handed the paperwork in this state), she could not have missed what they were. (My children do not know yet about the divorce filing.) My HH protected her from seeing. I also think the server was very surprised when I smiled and said thank you very pleasantly.

Last week, I was again called to fast, a new thing for me since I joined this ministry in April. The first time I fasted three days, it was very hard. Food has been a comfort thing for me, resulting in me getting fat over the last stressful decade. A year ago though, I began to lose weight, after God helped me make a connection as to why I stress ate. The fasting is a good discipline for me, as it has shown me that I still tend to turn to food when bored or restless, rather than to God. So fasting is helping me get rid of some bad habits, while I focus on the Lord. So, once the fourth of July celebration was over, I began what I thought was a three day fast. However, God called me to extend it, verified that I should extend it again, and I ended up completing a seven day fast! It wasn't easy, but it wasn't awful, and my HH made it clear that I was to continue and when I was to end. No one suspected, and I was able to do all the things listed above during the fast!

I am blessed. God is good. I am cherished, and I am never alone! Praise The Lord!

~ Beverly in Missouri

Signing the Divorce Papers

During my first time through this valley of divorce, I was able, through wisdom and favor, to not have to sign my divorce papers. Truthfully, I was so afraid of signing the papers because I learned how God felt about divorce (He hates it), so I was afraid that signing the divorce papers would mean I was an “accomplice” to sin.

It’s funny when I think back, because I also knew the principle about submission to our husbands. God tells women to follow only two examples in regard to submission: Jesus (in 1 Peter 2) and Sarah (1 Peter 3). If we look at Sarah’s life, we know she was asked by her husband, whom she called lord, to agree to be taken as the wife of the Pharaoh, not once, but twice!

Certainly being an “accomplice” to the degree that Sarah was asked to submit to her husband in no way is any comparison to what God called me to do, which was to sign divorce papers this time. But God is good, He only asks us to do what we are able to do. And at that time in my life, I only had the faith to believe God to deliver me from having to sign. I read in Restore Your Marriage that we would favor with our husbands to be released from having to sign, if we exhibited a “gentle and quiet spirit.” When I said I would if I needed to, but that he would win by default, that “gentle answer” that turned away all “wrath.” I lost by default, but there was no arguing at all.

And God used my earlier testimony to help many other women who read the first Facing Divorce book that Erin put together. Many women wrote that they were able to glean from my testimony and the other women who shared their testimonies, and God was faithful to deliver then as well! Here is my 1991 testimony:

In my situation, after read Erin’s testimony that led to the beginning of RMI, I also chose to lose my divorce “by default.” I took the Scriptures literally when I was served my divorce papers from my husband. I didn’t sign the papers, nor did I show up for the hearing—and God delivered me! Like Erin, had I gone to an attorney or shown up in court, I would not have seen the mighty deliverance of the hand of God, because He used my obedience to overturn my divorce a few weeks later!

Our marriage was miraculously restored just three months after the divorce was granted, due in part, because of my obedience to not obtain an attorney. God delivered me when it was discovered that even though the judge had granted the divorce, the papers that had been filed by my husband’s attorney were in error. For the divorce “to be legal,” his attorney said that my husband would be required to submit additional paperwork to the courts. By the time that this error was discovered—my husband’s heart had turned back to me, and he regretted ever filing! When I asked him what he would think if he found out that we were not divorced, he said, “Divorcing you was the biggest mistake of my life!”

My husband was thrilled that God had somehow delivered him from being divorced and simply asked (when I told him what his attorney had told me) that I not “tell anyone,” which meant not telling the OW. My restoration didn’t happen immediately, there were other tests I needed to pass and trials that I had to go through, but God was faithful through it all.

When I first told my husband that I wouldn’t contest the divorce and that I wouldn’t get an attorney for myself (when I read the RYM book), he was skeptical until he checked that he could get the divorce without my signing the divorce papers or showing up in court. In Caroline’s case below, her husband insisted that she show up. Walking in obedience, while praying to be delivered, as you will see, Caroline helped me go through divorce again, without fear.

Praising God with Joy Unspeakable!

My eyes are all puffy from crying, not in sadness, but with joy unspeakable! My heart is so very full right now, that it's difficult to really express how wonderful our Lord is, and how grateful I am for this ministry and the blessing that obeying these radical principles has brought me.

God used my obedience in not getting an attorney, not listening to my mom, dad, or even my pastor, all of whom strongly tried to inform me that I didn’t have to just "roll over" in these proceedings. They wanted me to get an aggressive attorney who would really make my husband feel dire consequences for his current conduct.

By God's awesome and incredible grace, and through I'm sure, the prayers of my ePartner and the RYM members; today I obeyed these principles and trusted God.

Not only did God bring financial blessing in the hearing (that I was firmly asked to attend by my husband today), God also used me as a witness to the court representative, who never saw "such agreeable and nice people" in all her years of participation in some of the 19,000 divorces in our county. (God help us!)

But most important to me, after over six months of separation and years of my contentious behavior, I finally saw my husband's wall of hate come down before my very eyes!! As we talked about money and custody issues over the course of these two hours, God shut my mouth and only opened it when I had something fabulous to say about my husband: his integrity, his great earning capacity, his care of the children, and his responsible way of providing all of our needs and managing our money! Although I repented early on in this "spiritual adventure," my husband was not open to hear anything I wanted to confess (I'm sure, because he had heard "religious" things out of my arrogant, self-righteous mouth many times before). God continued changing me, so I just waited.

Today, God gave me the chance to admit to my husband (and to the clerk): my problems in handling money, my disorganization, my irresponsibility, and the past problems I have had in using strong pharmaceuticals (legitimately, but now, praise God, I'm off them!) to manage my chronic pain.

By the end of the "interview," when I admitted to being "flaky," my husband actually contradicted me, and praised me in front of the clerk. He said that I could really produce great things when I put my mind to it!! He also said that I was sensitive and caring with the children, and how very understanding I am about his demanding work schedule! Talk about BLOTTING OUT the memory! I nagged him CONSTANTLY about his work for the last 10 years! And I didn't even ask God for that one! Praise Him! He knew I needed it!

Whereas before when we saw each other he was aloof and abrupt, never looking at me or talking more than he absolutely had to; today he took the elevator down with me (I'm disabled) instead of the stairs. Then he walked out of the building with me, shared with me something of what his day was going to be like, and then (Hallelujah!), he agreed to have dinner with us tomorrow night! I heard myself say, "If it gets too hard to get away from work, don't get stressed about it. I won't tell the kids, in case you can't make it." (Huh!? I know where THAT came from and it wasn't me!)

He said, with conviction, "I will make it happen!" Then he called out, "See you tomorrow," as he ran to his car. If you had any inkling of what his work is like, you'd be hopping up and down in praise that our God could turn his heart enough to even SAY something like that!

I come to the site to read praise reports when I am feeling discouraged. Just raising my voice in praise to God for what He's doing for others lifts my countenance and causes "mountain moving faith" to rise up in me. So please, please dear sister, take time right now to use your voice in thanksgiving and praise to our magnificent, living Lord, who can take even a court hearing and use it to His good! And "take courage" that God is working on your behalf, even as you obey Him right this minute!

~ Caroline in Kentucky

How many of you have ever heard of a report like that regarding a divorce hearing? Never. Instead, everyone loves to share divorce “horror stories” to scare you into getting a “good” lawyer. Just remember, “A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not approach you” (Ps. 91:7). Instead, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). Release your attorney and trust God alone to deliver and protect you. Pray for opportunities to bless your husband before and even during the divorce, if you are unable to forgo showing up for the hearing.

If your husband asks you to sign, no matter what the divorce papers say, you are not an accomplice to a crime, you are instead following the principles that Jesus told us to do that will bring victory. First, He said that we should not resist any evil (that includes divorce), that we should not only agree to walk that mile, but then go the second mile (and without being asked), and that when we are sued (this means being sued for divorce) then we should give whatever is asked, then go beyond and give more!

This is not my crazy idea, but God’s. How Christian counselors, pastors, and Christian friends can ignore this principle, I have no idea. Here is the verse again. Read it to see how clear God is about what we are supposed to do versus what everyone else is telling you to do.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you” (Matt. 5:38–42).

Caroline had the victory and the joy that now makes her weep, because she went to court (because her husband insisted) humbly and trusted God. She knew and applied the principles that not only got her through the hearing peacefully, but also brought the wall of hate down as she blessed her husband in the most radical of occasions!

Here are some more versus that few pastors or Christians know or encourage you to follow.

“Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints?” (1 Cor. 6:1).

This is a very firm Scripture. Would we dare God? If you merely choose to show up in court, you are standing “before the unrighteous.” Some believe that this is their opportunity to fix their situation—not so. Caroline did not choose to show up; her husband pressed it upon her. She prayed to be delivered, but God had other plans.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,’ declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Is. 55:8–9).

When we lean unto our own understanding and make our own plan, God will simply step aside and allow you to fall so that you learn that His plan is far and above your plan. Once again, walk in obedience and if you need to, pray to be delivered, but just remember, you are blessed if you must go through the fiery furnace of a hearing—God has a bigger plan and will bless you because you went through trusting in Him. However, do not choose to jump into the fiery furnace, or you might just find yourself a martyr without a cause!

Yet as difficult as not retaining an attorney and refusing to fight for financial support is, there are some who are being called higher, like Janet in Pennsylvania:

Jesus, Our Source!

I praise the Lord for His strength that is perfect in our weaknesses. He put it on my heart for several months to drop the spousal support I receive from my husband. I knew to do it, but was fearful about making it with our two girls.

One night, God spoke to me again on the subject. I told my husband I was willing to drop the spousal and child support. He was shocked. He immediately asked me how I would make it. I replied I would make it.

He appreciated my dropping the spousal support, but would not allow me to drop the child support. He would not feel right if he were not supporting our girls. He was grateful, and I was obedient.

When I hung up, an immediate peace overtook my heart and mind. I began praying and receiving a breakthrough in my intercession like I had not in a long time. I would make it by the grace of God. Jesus is our source—be blessed, and be obedient. Trust and obey—there is no other way.

~ Janet in Pennsylvania

Peace, and an open door to God, is something we cannot put a price tag on. And when we are willing, like Janet, to step out in faith, God will bless us.

We shall Judge Angels?

“Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts? Do you not know that we shall judge angels? How much more, matters of this life?” (1 Cor. 6:2–3).

In this verse God is mocking us, showing us how petty and insignificant the matters of this world are in comparison to our life is with Him.

If we are fearful of how the courts will treat us and try to appeal to them (or our husbands or wives), we will miss God’s blessings. God is able to turn the heart of kings, judges, attorneys and wives/husbands: their hearts are in God’s hand too.

“The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1).

And it is when God sees our heart: someone who trusts Him, someone who joyfully follows His principles, and believes His promises—this is what causes Him to turn that other heart towards us!

 “If then you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church?” (1 Cor. 6:4).

The courts in my country (the United States of America) no longer follow biblical teachings as they did when this country was founded. As a result, we have rulings and burdens placed upon believers that neither God nor our founding fathers had in mind. If you choose the courts to help you, you will choose their judgment over God’s protection and provisions.

Proverbs 29:26 says clearly, “Many seek the ruler's favor, but justice for man comes from the LORD.”

Even in countries that allow you a few years to have to wait for a divorce, if you simply say that you don’t want it, will result in your husband/wife loathing you because you are standing in the way of what he/she believes will make him/her happy?!? You would do better to get out of the way of the wicked (Psalm 1:1), stop resisting evil and go the other mile, give your coat (Matthew 5:39), and watch God show up.

This is also true for feeling that you have to make a statement that you don’t want a divorce.

I really believed the first time I faced divorce that I had to make it clear to my husband that divorce was nothing I wanted, once again, because I feared I would not be an accomplice to the crime of divorce and end up like Ananias’ Sapphira! (See Acts 5.) But this time I was well aware that God knew my heart, and He knows your heart too. He knew I didn’t want a divorce, and that for me to make sure I stated it to my husband would mean I was still a Pharisee of the worst kind.

However, if you are the one who kept speaking or threatening divorce, or you were the one who initiated it, then stating that you don’t want one would certainly be warranted and a very good idea. Don’t keep stating it, just make it clear it was a mistake if you were the one who spoke of it.

In Kris’ situation, you will read that God called her, too, to a higher level of faith and obedience. It was her testimony and faith, along with Vivian’s (that you will read immediately after Kris’) that gave ME the faith and courage to sign the divorce papers this time when my husband asked me to!!

I am Truly a New Creature in Christ!!

“I wanted to take a moment to praise my Lord and Saviour. He will give you the grace and peace to walk through anything if you only open your heart up to Him.

My husband came by Friday and asked me to sign the final divorce decree. I was able to do this with a smile and without the "scene" that would have happened just five months ago. I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me the blessed opportunity to show HIM that I have changed. The Lord gave me the chance to see what His love, and faith in Him, has done to change me. The Lord has shown me I am truly a new creature in Christ, and I could not be more thankful.

I have been so blessed as the Lord delayed the court proceedings and caused confusion at every turn, but now, this is truly in the Lord's hands. From my understanding at this point, my husband and his attorney can just go to the court house any day, ask to be added to the docket, and the judge will sign the decree. I am not needed and will not receive anymore notifications before it becomes final.

Either the Lord will deliver me and part the Red Sea, or I will go through this test. Either way, I am unafraid and steadfast. I would be lying if I said there were not a few tears after my husband left, but the words "I quit" did not ever enter my head. The Lord promised me that He would be with me; He promised His Word was good; He promised deliverance; He promised restoration, if I was steadfast; He did not promise that this would not be uncomfortable or even hurt. So, this is another step that hurts a little, it is not the end. The Lord can stop this divorce, but even if it needs to go through for His perfect plan, then I will wait to see this thing the Lord is going to do for me.

So, I thank and praise my Lord and heavenly Father for all He has done, and is doing in not only my marriage, but in me! I thank Him that no matter what I see, He is working and taking care of my husband and my children. I thank Him that I was able to faint not, and show my husband the joy and peace that comes from the Lord!

If you seem to be approaching, or are at the place I am right now, DO NOT GIVE UP! Trust in the Lord and stay on the path. Weeping may last for a night, but joy really will come in the morning. God Bless!”

~ Kris in Texas  

A month later RMI received this email from Kris:

Dear Erin and all the wonderful people at RMI,

I just wanted to thank you for putting my praise report about signing the divorce papers in the April newsletter. It was a timely reminder of all that the Lord has done in my life, as the divorce did indeed go through in March. Some women have asked me whether or not I would do everything like I did (letting my attorney go, signing as I was asked to, etc.), knowing that the Lord would still have let the divorce go through. The answer is a simple yes. I would do it the same way again.

I could be bitter (as I have seen many others do) and lament that because I did all the Lord showed Erin to do and He still did not stop the divorce in my case that I did it all wrong, and I guess that anger could spill over to all areas in my life, including in my walk with God. BUT just because it may not have had the "desired outcome" as some see it, I still did what the Lord directed me to do, so it did have the exact outcome the Lord had in mind, which in turn is the desired outcome for me also. I would give other women the same advise as in the Facing Divorce book without hesitation or reservation, because I believe the advise is straight from the Lord.

Of all the things that have run through my mind (and that I have battled with theses last couple of weeks), that I should have done things connected with the divorce differently following RYM principles is not one of them. I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, and that all things truly work for His good, and that someday He will have a testimony in me to prove that very thing!

May the Lord richly bless you all at RMI!

~ Kris in Texas

Husband's Attorney Prays for No Divorce!

I went to my husband's lawyer during my lunch break two days ago to sign the consent forms. I asked God to go before me and to be my rear guard. Praise God, He was so faithful!

When I went to sign the papers in obedience to my husband, his lawyer asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with this. I looked at her and said I was okay with it. She asked if I was going to the hearing a week later. I said no, since it was not compulsory for me to do so.

She asked me, “Wouldn't you like to see your husband.” I don't think I answered. But with her questioning, my eyes were beginning to tear. I hope she hadn't noticed. She asked me if I had thought of asking my husband out. I said no. She said we both seemed so nice, we were able to settle everything by e-mail. I said that my husband is a very nice man.

She said, “Why don't you two try again?” I said I was a terrible wife. She asked why we didn't meet? I said I would leave it to my husband. She smiled and said that she would speak to him to ask me out! She said that with the hearing, the decree nisi (temporary divorce) would be approved. And after three months, it would be absolute. She was so nice—I really felt like I was going to breakdown and cry

Then she asked me if I still went to church. I said yes. She said that my husband told her that he went to church too! She smiled again and said that she would pray for us. She told me not to lose hope. She encouraged me and said there was still three months before the divorce becomes absolute. All the while, I was trying not to cry. As I walked out, she told me that there are problems in every new marriage and not to worry.

I never thought I would walk out of a lawyer's office after signing papers consenting to a divorce, feeling encouraged! Even my husband's lawyer is praying for us! Look at how God works!

Indeed, a man's mind plans his ways, but the Lord directs His steps! I am still praying that God will stop the divorce if it be His will, but if He does allow it to go through, I pray that He will use it for GOOD!

Wow Lord, You are so awesome!

~ Vivian in Singapore

Why I Had to Sign

When my husband approached me about the divorce—again, he told me that he was going to have me take on ALL of our family and business debt, and that he was not going to pay child support, again.

And let me interject something I think you each should know and understand. Because my husband knew about my part in RMI for years, which led to us being restored, he knew every conviction I had. And so he used my convictions against me. He took full and complete advantage of me. Did you hear what I said? He took advantage of my convictions and abused the principles I believed and he knew I would follow! That is why he knew he could “get away with” not paying child support, leaving behind all of the debt, etc., etc.

It’s important that you understand what I just said because so many of you are afraid that if you do what is right that you will be taken advantage of. So God in His wisdom and love for you sent me and many others ahead and “set us up” by making sure He put us in very difficult predicaments and allowed us each to walk through different and very difficult valleys for your sake.

This time I was not naïve or ignorant of what was going on as I was the first time. This time I knew fully what he was planning to do and due to feeling His love for me, I willingly laid down my life.

“For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative” (John 10:16-18).

This is why I “enthusiastically” agreed, because my husband knew that I did not want to sign the divorce papers, but when he explained this to his attorney, he was told that the judge would never agree to “no child support” unless I signed the papers. And remember this dear reader, if you are asked to sign it will not make it any more difficult for God to restore your marriage!

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?” (Jeremiah 32:27). Will you answer by saying…

“Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You”! (Jeremiah 32:17)…as is chose to do?

Knowing that God was calling me to a higher level of obedience and trust in Him, I “enthusiastically” told my husband I would sign when he told me what his attorney had said! I had no idea when I would be asked to sign, but would you believe that God led me to Second Chronicles 20:6–25 the day BEFORE I was asked to sign the final divorce papers! As I said, I did not know that I would be asked to sign the papers the next day, but God did! I read,

“When the enemy was coming against Jehoshaphat, he cried out to the Lord, “O LORD, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You.”

“Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You (for Your name is in this house) and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us . . . How they are rewarding us by coming to drive us out from Your possession which You have given us as an inheritance.”

“O our God, will You not judge them? For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You.”

“. . . Thus says the LORD to you, 'Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's.’”

“Tomorrow go down against them . . . You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf . . . Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the LORD is with you.’”

This is where the Lord took me the day before I was asked to sign the final divorce papers! It wasn’t until that evening that I again went to this passage and noticed that it says twice that I needed to go out tomorrow! That was more of a confirmation than I needed—but maybe this is what you needed to hear to help you when you are asked!!

As a result of the Word from the Lord for Jehoshaphat, he responded to the Lord by bowing “his head with his face to the ground, and . . . fell down before the LORD, worshiping the LORD.” And then “stood up to praise the LORD God of Israel, with a very loud voice.”

What were the results of this trust and praise to the Lord?

His enemies destroyed themselves!!!!

It says, “They rose early in the morning and went out . . . and when they went out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, ‘Listen to me, O Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem, put your trust in the LORD your God and you will be established. Put your trust in His prophets and succeed.’”

“Give thanks to the LORD, for His lovingkindness is everlasting.”

They gave thanks before God did anything!!

“When they began singing and praising, the LORD set ambushes . . . destroying them completely; and when they had finished . . . they helped to destroy one another”!!—“no one had escaped.”

And if that were not enough . . .

“When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take their spoil, they found much among them, including goods, garments, and valuable things which they took for themselves, more than they could carry. And they were three days taking the spoil because there was so much”!!

The day I was asked to sign the divorce papers was a day full of appointments. I knew this had to be part of God’s plan, so that I would be too busy to let my mind dwell on what I was about to do, which may have caused me to fear or have anxiety. When I walked in to sign, I had absolutely no fear. I was able to be excited, and enthusiastic with the paralegal who led me to the room to sign them. My hands did not shake or tremble. Ladies, this was God!! He had prepared me for this “day of battle” and I knew He was going to fight for me.

Had it not been for Kris’ and Vivian’s testimony, I know I would not have been able to sign the papers “fear free”! God tells us that we will be able to overcome the wicked one (who, by the way, is not your husband/wife or the OW/OM) by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony. (Read Revelation 12:11)

Always keep in mind that what God is asking you to go through today or tomorrow will someday be the one testimony that enables someone else to be able to go through something else also “fear free”! I am grateful for Kris and Vivian who built the bridge to “sign fear free” for you and me!