I have been riddled with fear of failure for years. One area especially, was homeschooling my children. I avoided all fellow homeschoolers, in case they saw me, knew me, found out about my life etc
This has impacted so many of my relationships especially my marriage.
But going through all of these lessons, and learning to let go of all I thought I wanted and trusting God to rebuild my completely broken life, I saw the truth. The truth that it’s not me, it’s Him in me . Something I always confessed with my mouth but didn’t truly believe in my mind.
I’m overjoyed with being set free from this. Now there is only excitement for the future. Yes, I fall short and I do stress at times. But I know He quickly pulls me from that place!
Several months ago, after leaving my husband, drinking like crazy, then God woke me up, I was forced to go back to work. And I worked a lot. The littles were in daycare 40 hrs a week. It broke my heart. I love being with them and I ought to be. I sought my HH about what to do!
He gently asked me why do I have to work so much? So I can get my own place and then have to work even more to afford to pay for the utilities?! Never see my kids??
He showed me that where I lived now, I paid no bills but my cell phone and some other small things!
He gave me the faith to say ok Lord I’ll work even less and I’ll homeschool my own babies!!! So excited! My heart scared!!
I had yet to learn to let go of my EH at this point. I had called him to ask him what he thought. Silly.
He said “no, you need to become independent and get a place and you have to work. ”
How bummed was I. Discouraged. Yes. Very.
Two days later!!!!!
My EH called and said that he wanted the kids one whole month at a time. Seeing them only on weekends wasn’t enough. It wasn’t fair that only I raised them. On and on.
Very cold and determined.
I argued for a moment but remembered to agree with my adversary quickly. I felt the peace of the Holy Spirit wash over me.
Then I asked my Beloved how I could go beyond and He showed me first to tell no one what was happening.
I knew I had to gather all my childrens belongings and make them as comfortable at his home for that whole month as possible. And I would do it enthusiastically.
That happened to be my 35th birthday. So I dropped my children off at his home.
My EH told me that he was meeting with a couple babysitters that he found on Facebook that he wants to have watch the children during the week while he was at work!
I was shocked that I wouldn’t be the one making that type of decision. Fear. Yes. Panic. A bit. But again, my Beloved didn’t allow my to be in that place for long.
He reminded me that my EH loved the children and actually was a very good judge of character and that this needed to happen. For my own good as well as my husbands.
I went back to the room I stay in and
That night I decided to praise God for allowing me more time to spend with Him. I now would have so much time that I wouldn’t have had with the kiddos. That would be a praise too!!!
I stayed up late, praying, fasting and reading His word. Believing that He could and would fix this. That He wouldn’t let my husbands heart stay hard and keep my children away from me!
I got a text from my EH saying “we need to talk” the very next morning !!!
Fear overtook me. I cried out to God.
Have mercy!!! I cannot take any more. I am but flesh and I will blow away if anything else happens!! What else could he have to say or do?!
I feared he was going to tell me he was going to keep them forever or replace me.
My Beloved also showed me not to rush into a conversation with my EH just because he said we needed to talk. But to prepare for it and allow my EH to call me. Huge for me. I have always rushed in. Not prepared. Talking too much.
For the first time I drove alone that day. Can you imagine, my truck broke down on my way to church. Yes. It sure did.
After just praying saying I couldn’t take anything else 😂
Not allowing my soul to despair (praise God)
He showed me not to call my EH like I normally would, but I called my boss. (She not only rescued me, helped me take my truck to the shop, let me borrow her own truck, and took me out to eat to break my fast) Huge praise!!!
Afterwards, I felt like I should go park and pray and praise Him. So I found a beautiful spot in the woods. It was snowing. My heart was so full. I was at peace! Even with all that has happened. No children for a whole month. No truck. No home. A husband that seemed to hate me. It was well with my soul.
Then, as I sat in my bosses truck in the snow praising God. My EH called.
He immediately said, ” I was up all night, thinking and praying and I know that I can take the kids away from you. That you need to be the one to HOMESCHOOL them and be with them. Not a stranger or a preschool. ”
When I told my husband thank you
my EH said ,” no, you can thank God!”
😂 Yes I do. And I will. But I did stay very calm on the phone calm and collected.
Hahahaha
Yes I laughed and so hard that I’m sure it would have caused an avalanche with how much snow there was outside!!!
God made it so that I had no way out, hardening my EHs heart He truly showed me that only He could make this happen, me homeschooling my children.
He ushered me against the Red Sea. I had nowhere to go but surrender.
This all happened so perfectly, that when I am teaching my small children their lessons, I am reminded how great God’s power is and how grateful I am to be the one. No more fear of homeschooling no more avoiding or regret. I am now excited about the future. Yes I fall short and yes there are moments I doubt myself, but again, He is so good and patient and reminds me of what He’s done for me and how far He has brought me. Which removes that fear of failure. I am now in a place where I can do it to please Him and not my EH.
I pray that this encourages you, whatever you are going through. If you have trial after trial. If you are backed up against the Red Sea and there is no place to go. No plan you can devise, turn around. Face the sea! Surrender and be ready to take that step of faith into the water. He will part them. He will make a way. He will show you that it was only due to Him that it happened.
He waits on High to help those who call upon Him and trust in Him with their whole hearts.
Blessings. 🖤